Ep 102: Accepting your partner for who they are

“What a gift to help your partner heal wounds you didn’t create” - get real about the messy, beautiful journey of accepting your partner exactly as they are, even when it triggers the fuck out of you.

Fresh off their accidental holiday break (thanks Christmas chaos!), Meg and Jacob dive deep into what true acceptance looks like in partnership. From those subtle moments of trying to change your partner’s essence to the profound healing that happens when you let them be exactly who they are, this conversation gets raw about the practice of loving someone’s full expression - awkward dance moves, loud laughs, and all.

This isn’t your typical “just love them for who they are” chat - it’s a vulnerable exploration of what happens when we dare to feel our own discomfort instead of trying to change our partner. Whether you’re the one holding back your true self or the one secretly wishing your partner would “just dress better for family events,” this episode offers real talk about creating a relationship where both people feel free to be their messy, magnificent selves.

They also riff off on:
•The sneaky ways we try to control our partners
•Why saying “I accept you” is the easy part
•How to handle your triggers when your partner is fully expressed
•Creating safety for the “little boy” energy in men
•The difference between toxic behavior and authentic expression
•When it’s okay to speak up vs. when to practice acceptance
•The gift of healing through partnership

and so much more…

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Transcript

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What a gift. What a gift to allow someone to heal wounds that you didn't create. What a gift like that's, to me, such a beautiful experience. What a gift it is to help your partner heal their wounds that you didn't actually create. You may have perpetuated or you may have poured a little salt into them, but these wounds happen before you, and that is a responsibility, a sacred duty, that we can as practitioners of devotion and love and polarity and intimacy, that we can commit to Yo yo, yo. Lovers, welcome, welcome. Welcome to sex, love and everything in between. We're the O'Neills. You're here with Meg and Jacob, and this is the place we have really uncensored conversations about sex, intimacy and relationships. We're super excited you're here. Enjoy this episode. Hello, love it, yo, yo. Welcome back. We've had a few weeks off. We have we're sorry, because Christmas, it was not silly season, it was definitely not planned. No, we we accidentally had a few weeks. We accidentally didn't do what we were supposed to do. Christmas, New Year's family having a bait. Well, it was a lot easier to podcast when we did the birth series, when he was like a newborn, and he slept for hours and hours and hours at a time. So now he's a little bit bigger. Yeah, and we're all just finding our way with podcasting and creating content for you, because we work on our own schedule, like holidays, aren't they? When people are other people on holidays, it doesn't feel like holidays for me, but yeah, it was like trying to be on holidays as well. It's a really funny sort of situation. So we we dropped the ball, but we're back. We're here. Thanks for being patient. We've got, I like the idea of like, if you like, I know podcasts I listen to and like, know when they come out, and then when they don't come out, I'm like, what? Or like, a TV series or something like, if that was you, I love that. I love that you're so committed to our podcast every week, but we're sorry for not creating content for you for like, two or three weeks. You want to get those TV series done before we sell our TV. No, okay, before we get into today's topic, which is going to be all about accepting your partner for who they are. I saw this really cute reel on Instagram last night, and it was this family for Christmas had bought their kids, or, like Santa had bought their the kids, like, a 90s style TV, so one of those small, like, box kind of things, and then also the other big package was, like, a huge amount of VCRs, so like, videos, and I don't know if they had a TV, but like, the kids were really, really excited. And then putting all the VCs, they're all, like, Disney movies and stuff. And I told Jacob about it, and Jacob was like, let's get rid of our TV. Let's sell it. Let's sell it. We're selling it. And we're already not doing screens after 730 which is stretched a little at 730 but now we're probably gonna get rid of our TV. I'm excited for it. We didn't have a TV for the first like six years of our relationship. Yeah, it's probably only been the last three or four years, and we've really made up for it. Yeah, we love some Netflix, don't we, and some Stan and some Hulu to be anyway, we're getting rid of our TV. And I love you. If you don't know this about Jacob, once Jacob decides something, he decides something, and it's done. If anyone wants a 50 inch Sony flat screen is gonna be on a Facebook marketplace. It's probably already gone, actually, by the time you missed out. Sorry, you're out of the no and if you like, my love is blind commentary on Instagram. I'm sorry that's no longer gonna be the case because we don't have a TV and we will not be watching TV on our laptops. You've already thought about that, haven't you? I knew you'd already thought about, okay, anyway, let's move accept me for who I am, a trash TV loving gal. Yes, that is my practice. Yeah, I'm going practice. I was gonna really flow into that, but let's, let's just park that there. And so much for getting straight into it. Well, also, now that we have a small child, we have to, yes, we're kind of on the clock with that episode. So if you hear us talking really quickly, it's because we feel like our son is about to wake up. Polarity, masculine, feminine, no. We're going to talk about weaponizing polarity later on in another episode, yeah, but this episode, this one right now, we're going to talk about accepting your partner for who they are. I'm. Oh, she's little snores in the background. Are so cute, right now, incredibly cute. Anyway, accepting your partner for who they are. I feel like this is one of the deepest gifts we can offer a partner in relationship. This is like, truly, yeah, truly accepting. Like, truly accepting who they come to the relationship as this is the ultimate like form of like practicing unconditional love. Not that any of us are actually fully capable of unconditional love, because we're human. But there's this like transcending of like empathy, of like, Oh, I feel what you're feeling too. Hey, I'm okay with who you are and what you're feeling and how you be in the world. And that's like, compassion just isn't for when someone's having a hard time. Compassion is when you can, like, really see love and accept someone for all of their versions of themselves, all of the ways in which they show up. And this is like, by far, one of the most incredibly healing things as well in a relationship, because that part of your partner may never have been allowed to shine or present itself to the world based on the insecurities of their parents or the bullying that they got when they were in school, or the way in which they experienced life as a young child, when they learned that who they were wasn't enough, or who they were was too much. And this is where if we I was going to say if we nail this in relationship, but if we devote ourselves to offering this to our partner, because it truly is an offering to offer this experience in partnership, where our partner feels like they can be themselves and they're accepted for bringing themselves to the relationship when we offer that to them this, this is where relationships are deeply fucking healing and life changing and kind of what they're meant for. In my opinion, I feel like this is the whole premise of a relationship is to be loved and seen for who you really are. And there are so many spaces. And maybe this isn't well, I'm sure a lot of you listening to this don't have as many spaces in your life where you don't feel like you can show up as you like. I'm just looking at thinking of my life 1012, years ago, there were so many places in my life, probably every realm of my life, I didn't feel like it could be me. You know, I had to feel like I put masks on when I went to work, and then when I'm with these family members, I couldn't show this part. And when I was in this relationship, I couldn't show this part. And now I look at my life and I'm like, I feel like I can show up and bring the fullness of me in every aspect. And if there is a place or a room or a relationship where I don't feel that, I close that door, I do not walk back into that room. And so given, but given that we do live in a world that we're not really taught or we're not really accepted for who we are, again, we can create this experience for our partner, where our relationship becomes a place they can rest into themselves like it comes a place where it feels rejuvenating and life giving, because they're not exhausted by putting on all these masks or caging up parts of themselves or diluting parts of themselves or trying to be something else, like this is where relationship and and who we are for our partner can become replenishing, nourishing, nurturing, rejuvenating, life giving, And in that like you, the person that receives that then feeds their energy back into the relationship, and it's like this beautiful reciprocity. I'm just like, really feeling like, what it's like to have that level of consistency in a relationship as well. Where, like you said the word devotion, can you be devoted to the deep and profound acceptance of who your partner is, to allow them the space to remember who they were before the stories and beliefs that they weren't enough if they're a man or if they're too much if they're a woman, got installed. And this is not a learning, this is a remembering like for me, we just had my my birthday this past week, and for the first time, I actually felt like I could enjoy myself on my birthday. I got to like I felt like you loved me for who I was, and not that you haven't in the past, but it felt like you're in this deep, almost acceptance of how I wanted to spend the day. And this was like, it was such a beautiful moment for me to be like, Ah, this is what this is what love feels like. This is what home feels like. This is me, remembering the parts of me that I had i. Not cut off, but I had, like, deactivated, I had powered them down and put them on the shelf. And these are the things that make me fun. These are the things that make me Jacob. And that has allowed more of my Yeah, more of my expression in our relationship, but also in the world. I just feel more more me, and I feel like I'm in my groove, and I feel like I've got a little more fluidity in how I can, like, move through life. I'm not so rigid, I'm not so stuck, I'm not so weighed down by who I need to be for you or who I need to be for my clients, or who I need to be for, oh sure, who I need to be for my family, it's like, no, I'm me, and I'm the meest me of all me, and you're the US you've all used, and that's a beautiful thing, and that's only really been made available through the deep acceptance that you've offered me In moments where I've brought more of myself online. And even though you might not understand it, even though it might not be comfortable for you, you've been able to be with your discomfort and allow me the space to be myself. I love that. I really want to deepen into that piece around discomfort there, because it's one thing to say, I accept my partner or I accept you. That's a really easy thing to say, yes. It's so easy to look into your partner's eyes and say, I accept you for who you are. It's another thing entirely to embody that, yes, like that's a moment to moment practice. And no matter who you are or and who your partner is, there will be a moment, no fucking doubt, and I do not believe anyone could be the exception to this. There will be a moment where your partner is something behaves in a way, brings themself in a way that makes you uncomfortable, that makes you want to change them, that feels like, uh, maybe it's an outfit they wear and you want to go, uh, I wish you would change those pants. Or like, I don't want you to wear that. Or maybe it's the way they do their hair, or maybe it's the way when they're with their friends from their childhood, or the friends they hung out with as a teenager, their voice changes, or that used to be one for me, but all of these things, maybe it's The way she gets really loud in a group, like, whatever it might be, there's there's going to be a moment, no doubt. And I know you, probably all of you, can feel this in your body where, and I feel like a lot of the time, the discomfort, yes, there's probably things you want to change about your partner around the home, but I think a lot of the discomfort around the things we want to change about our partners, expression and the way they are, I feel like that happens in other like, when other people are involved in public spaces around maybe it's like you don't like the thing you're like, for example, no. And I want to really speak into this, because I used to be really I used to probably look you in the eyes and say, I accept and love you for who you are. And then there were so many things in our relationship where I was covertly, slimly trying to change you, and I wasn't in integrity with that statement. And an example of, this is a lunch we went to. This is probably, like, six years ago now, it was the lunch I showed you that photo of what I was wearing the other day. And I remember getting dressed and I felt so sexy, and I felt so good. And we were going out with my, like, cousins and my my sisters and, you know, South southern East Brisbane. And, like everyone loves to dress up. And it was at this fancy restaurant, and I can't remember what you wore, but you wore something that I just felt wasn't dressed up enough. There's this really cool pair of vintage Billabong bodies and a white t shirt, the plain white t shirt, so board shorts and a white t shirt. And like, I knew everyone else would like, the men would probably be in college shirts and all these things. And you walked out and I told I told you, I don't even remember. I think I know. I said, are you wearing that? Is that what you're wearing? Is that what you're wearing? And like, underneath that was like, I'm not okay with that. I don't accept what you've chosen to wear, and underneath that was, I don't want to be perceived i I'm attached to you, and I don't want to be perceived I want to be perceived in a certain way. Yes, that's a huge piece. You're already an extension of how I'm perceived by the outside world. So if you don't fit. How I want to be seen. Therefore, I'm going to feel uncomfortable, and if I'm not aware, I'm going to try and change you so I can be perceived in the way that I want. Yes, so we have two options in that situation, and we'll use this as the example. Me wanting you to change what you wear, buying some Birkenstocks, some nice pants, beautiful. Just COVID stuff, just cotton on sports. We have two options in a situation like this. In that example, I could have, and I did, I was like, you're wearing that. I was feeling uncomfortable with what you were wearing. So instead of being with my discomfort, I decided to I want you to change. So I don't have to feel this feeling. I want you to go and put on your nicest collared shirt and some jeans or whatever the fuck I wanted you to wear. I want you to go and put on that outfit. So I don't have to feel this nervousness around how people are going to perceive you, or how people are going to view you or what that's going to be like that is not in integrity with the statement, I accept you for who you are. If we are truly devoted to this practice of accepting our partner for who they are, we must be willing to feel the discomfort in a moment like that. We must be willing to go, Ah, you want to wear this? Okay? We might even voice it into the space. Oh, I feel the part of me that wants to tell you to change right now, but rock it like get it right. It's, it's this devotion to, instead of letting the feeling of discomfort come up and then letting that drive this desire of change. Stop doing that thing, stop behaving in that way. Stop dressing like that. Stop wearing your hair like that. Stop being so loud, stop changing your voice, stop behaving in that way. So I don't have to feel this discomfort. No, we go, I'm going to feel the discomfort that arises when my partner behaves like that, when they speak like that, when they dress like that, when they cut their hair like that, whatever the fuck it is, I'm gonna feel that discomfort so that I can give them the gift of feeling and being deeply held in this field of acceptance. And I wanna just make a note here that, and we'll speak into this in a bit. We're not talking about really toxic behaviors or unsafe behaviors or behaviors that are disrespectful in relationship. We're talking about your partner just being them, like this is, yeah, I'll give an example of what of like a behavior that you're allowed to speak up about. So for instance, if I'm on my phone in bed at night and I'm watching reals, really I just need to say, I don't like the word allowed. You're allowed to speak awkward about anything, but in terms of, like, yeah, sorry, this is one that, like, we've given an example of you feeling discomfort and wanting to change me. Here's an example of your partner, a part, a behavior that your partner is displaying that I feel is more appropriate for, like, Hey, I this is, this is dishonoring, you know, our shared space. Yeah? So if I'm on my phone at night time, scrolling, and we're in bed and there's and every second reel is some loud screeching reel, and, you know, we're powering down, yeah, that, in itself, is a way like that is, that isn't like, I've just got to be with my discomfort. No, no, that's a shared space. That's like, Hey, listen, that's, I feel as though you're not respecting, you know, the bedroom, and that's a completely different conversation, whereas the one that we're speaking about like how I dress, how I express myself, my unique essence and that I want to bring through that that in itself, is something that we're here to love and accept in each other. Yes, another thing that I love to do is sometimes I just love to beep The horn on my car people, and that can be quite annoying as well, but that I like doing that, and I'm gonna keep doing it, and it's something that I do. When have you done I've done that a few times, and yeah, and you haven't liked it. I only remember that saying that's something that is a part of your essence, and it's not part of my essence. It's like a way that I it's kind of like a dog barking. It's like my version, like, if I see someone, I'm beeping, and I might beep a lot, I might be four or five times, Oh, you do Yes, I do do that, yeah. But that's a part of who I am, and that can be a little hard to accept, but it's also just a bit the cheekiness in me, yes, and it's a part of my expression. So I want to, oh, that was something I was going to say. Then, I think I like the piece around that essence piece then and your expression, because, let's say I really gave up. It was probably after that experience. I really gave up having an opinion on what you wore. Yes, even for, like we do photo shoots for our business. I I personally want them to look a certain way. You actually don't give a fuck. I never tell you what to wear during a photo shoot, because I know, even though my desire is for it to look a certain way, I know your brand or like who you are is. Not. You're not curated. You're not You're gonna rock up in whatever fucking feels good. And I know that is such a gift like me, honoring that in you, me, for those listening to the audio that is oh, she like me, holding you, me, me, letting go of any part of me that wants to or tries to, because sometimes there is still a part of me that might want to go like, I wish you would just put on the fucking shirt when we're in a photo shoot or that, but, but not acting on that, not bringing that forward, not trying to change you so I feel a certain way, or I can have my way. Yeah, what does that fucking feel like? That's like, it's like I can relax. I can relax into the moment, and I'm not constantly feeling like I'm about to be not torn to shreds. That's not it, but that I'm not there's just not going to be, like, a little dig or a little chip, like, for me, it's not the big, like, you're gonna, like, Judge me or shame me, but it's just those little, those little ones that are like, are you gonna wear that? Or in, like, the discomfort coming through in like, little, like micro pieces, they're the things that then put me on edge, and then I build resentment, and I'm like, I don't even want to be here. Why I didn't choose what I meant. And then I start to become defensive, because I'm not allowed to be who I want to be, and I don't like getting dressed up for certain things. Oh, little man, he might need a little bit of booby. That's fine, hey, little man. It's like, Oh, give him this for a little bit. There we go. I find that when I'm accepted, I feel relaxed. Hold on little man, here we go, here we go, here we go. Big Boy, I we, I feel relaxed to be who I truly am, and therefore then I want to engage, I want to connect, I want to be a part of the experience. That's what I love about it like when I'm allowed to be myself, I'm more excited about what's going on in the environment. So if that's a family barbecue, if I can rock up and wear what I want and feel like I can be myself, then that environment is a space. It's big enough for me to be there. It's there's enough room for me to be in that space as the version of me. That's true, and I think that that's really what, what I feel everyone wants in their life is to be able to be who they are, no matter where they're they're at, no matter who they're with, no matter what they're doing. And I think this is such a beautiful contemplation for for anyone listening, if you're in partnership or future partnership, or even contemplating this in your past partnership, where, where am I not making my partner feel like it's okay to be them and like that might be really fucking confronting. Yes, right? Where are you covertly trying to control them and their behavior and their expression and their essence and who they are in the world, like, where? And this might be really obvious or really subtle, but the subtle ones are still just as, you know, controlling or harmful. I would say, as you know, us telling our partner, oh, don't do that. Oh, don't say that. Oh, don't be like that. You know, there can still be some covert, sneaky ways we do this, but we're basically saying the same thing. So yeah, where are you? Where are you communicating to your partner that it's not okay for them to be them? And then also, if you're in partnership, bring this to your partner. Ask the question, hey, I would love to know when is there any circumstances or any like or when, when do, when do I make you feel like it's not okay to be you? That's the question. When do I make it feel when do I make you feel like it's not okay to be you? Yeah, I'm just like, when do I make you feel like, when do you feel it's not okay to be you? I think that's like the essence of it. Yeah, when do you feel it's not okay to be you around me? I reckon maybe you don't like them. I don't like I don't think you can make me feel anything. But, um, yeah, when, yeah, that's um, I think that's a but I think, you know, we'll take this. We're not agreeing on this. But I think there's a deep ownership in that too, that like when, um, when? Let's use the clothing example, if I wouldn't have said, like, there were moments where I continued to try and control you, and that created a feeling of you not wanting, like, not feeling like you were free to be you in the relationship. When don't you feel free to be you in our relationship? Yeah? Would that be a better question? Yeah? Don't you feel free to be you in our relationship? That's a great question. That is an incredible question. We're going to write that one down, say it again. When do you not feel free to be you in our relationship? When do you not feel free to be you in our relationship? Is he asking that right now? No, I'm joking. I don't care. That is such a beautiful invitation to share vulnerably. That is it i? That is the epitome of like that is such a well framed question, and it's done with enough curiosity and not done with any intention to fix, solve or change your partner? Yes, it's a way of me learning to understand where I can show up better for you in our relationship, which inevitably is for us both. And there is such like, I feel like we need a whole other episode on this, but the humility it takes to ask a question like that to your partner, the level of ownership and openness it takes to ask a question like that to your partner and be open and receptive to what comes through, to be ready and willing to hear them if they say, oh, when I'm around your family, I always leave feeling I'm Not good enough, or when, when I'm around my friends, you always make me feel like I'm too loud or I'm too expressive, where I'm just having a good time with my mates, like really hearing and these are kind of all things like that. One is that's a very real one from our relationship. What did you say to me the next morning after my 30s, Jacob had his 30th like so this is five years ago, and I'd never been back home to your house. I had been back home there, but not, not with, like, all your friends, all you know, and I didn't like we met when I wasn't drinking. And like, um, not that you were like, yeah. Anyway, the next day, I was like, Who was that? I don't even know. Who do I even know who you are? Again, don't recommend that. I've learned a lot over the last five years. Hello. But that was that was basically saying, I'm not okay with what the behavior of last night and none of the behavior. You had some drinks, but you weren't making me feel unsafe. You didn't make like there wasn't behavior that felt disrespectful or anything like that was not aggressive or unhealthy help. There's no unhealthy expression toward you or anyone who big. You were loud, you were fully fucking expressed, and it, it was like, whoa. It was part of me that was like, I just wanted you to stand beside me and love me the whole night, and I just wanted to be the center of your world the whole night. And so that was me wanting to be like, Hey, don't do that, because I feel I don't feel special. Hey, don't do that, because I don't feel like the center of your world. And now I know, you know there's situations or experiences in our relationship, maybe before oshi, where we'd be at parties, and I know that you maybe your highest excitement of that night is not to just sit by my side and make out with me. Maybe the highest excitement for you is to just be alone on the dance floor, like loving life, or, you know, to be off somewhere like and that. Yeah, me not trying to control or make you wrong for how you wanted to express that's I've learned that so much in those kind of settings, especially, yes, 100% what else the piece that I wanted to I was like, Oh, you've given a lot of examples of how you could do and I was like, Well, how do I, how do I approach this from I found that I like, even most recently, they're like, me like, making jokes about certain things. What did I make a joke about the other day? And just, was it was out of character, which just wasn't. It was a more of my way of, like, sort of saying I'm not okay with that. I can't remember what I what I what I said, but essentially, I was, like, using humor as a way to, kind of like, tell you that it wasn't okay what you were doing. I made a joke around. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I made a joke, and it wasn't, it was it was done not to incite connection. It was done to almost like make fun of you, to kind of make you feel less than or make you like that. Was like, Oh, if I beneath what I was doing. Was like, hey, I want you to change. And I don't know, I can't directly ask for that or project that directly. So I'm going to do it passively, which is something that if you've had the nice guy or the people pleaser mentality in your life as a man, you're more than likely going to try to manipulate or passively aggressively change your partner, rather than directly project. Something on to them, and it's more of a victim mindset that I've I feel like I've done it at times where I've, like, tried to change you through more manipulation and passive approaches, rather than just being like, straight up, like you need to change because of this. Totally yes, that I don't do. You have any examples of that? Not I'm trying to think of one, but I don't have any, any exact examples. I feel like this has been a big thing. I've probably been more of the one in our relationship, whereas I've been like, I accept you for who you are. But then there's like, for me, this has never played out in a very overt way, it's always been very covert in our relationship where it's like, these small things that I'm trying or like, control. For me, one of the big, my biggest shadows in our relationship has been the part of the controlling part of me and feeling how she wants to work in and change the way, like this came up huge in when we started working together, the early days before our podcast, where we would do, you know, group, courses and things, and I would, you would say things, and I would grab your leg, and it was almost like, that's not okay. The way what you just said was not You shouldn't say that. You shouldn't Express like that, you should express like me. And again, that made you feel in our conversations. I'm sure you can speak more into it, but like, of course, that wasn't going to make you feel free or excited to work with me, because I was saying, Hey, don't do that. Don't be like that. Yeah, this is my thing. It's like, oh yeah, we're working together, but you do it how I want you to do it, yeah, and what? Sorry, just to bring it back to, like, the practice of this for me, then in our work together, even on the podcast, sometimes there's things you say that you know, bring up discomfort in me. And instead of, like, grabbing your leg or asking you to stop the podcast and know what, I don't, I don't want to, I don't want people to hear you say that, or I just now have to be with my discomfort like you're different to me and that I feel like in my practice, in like being with my discomfort around like not trying to control how you express, not dimming or like diluting your essence and your expression and your gifts has truly then created a field where it's evoked more of your gifts, the gifts and made you feel safe to bring more of your essence and to deepen and make your your expression more fierce and potent in the world and in our CO creations. I just had a I just remembered the way in which I don't accept me complete another asshole to you, whenever you're playing into like the you're playing into the bigness of life, I would inadvertently like try to shrink it, shrink your desire for more. I would like my whole, my nervous system. Like, no, no, no, and I would be like, Are you sure? Are you sure we should do that? Like, I would like, second guess you in that because I was uncomfortable with the bigness of your, you know, your of how you wanted to live, live life like you. You were always able to see possibility. And in that, it would trigger my discomfort of like, Oh, if we do that, then what will my parents think if we do that? What will my family my friends think if I do that, that seems reckless, that seems immature, that seems unreliable, that doesn't seem like a very mature thing to do. So I would shrink. I would I would passively, passive, aggressively try to shrink you and say that, hey, you're too much. I remember doing that when we were talking about, like, back in the day, when you were talking about, like, your sister going overseas with her partner, and how excited they were. And I was like, No, I would never do that. I would never go overseas with a partner. And they instantly just shut you down when you were sharing excitedly about something. And that is a tendency that I feel like I've played out many times since then, of like, you'll be excited about something, and I can, like, become quite closed off to the idea of it, because it means more work for me. It means I have to, like, break, I have to, like, expand again. And I'm like, gosh, just getting comfortable. Oh, now you want me to be uncomfortable? How dare you? I take it personally. And I think I've, I'm definitely don't do that anywhere near as much, but I feel like I have had times that's sort of the thing that comes up for me. Yeah, is around, like, our lifestyle, like, I'm like, Oh, we just got, we just made it to here, and now you want to go again. Oh, we've just done this. Now you want to go again. There's always been this beautiful, like, expansive, Renegade, part of you, and that's been something that I had to learn was okay to have in our life. It was more than okay. It was actually inspiring. And rather than being intimidated by it, I could actually allow to show me where I was still holding on. Yeah, so that would be my one. Do you feel that's true? I don't feel that at all anymore. I definitely felt that at the beginning stages of our relationship, but I don't, I don't feel that. I feel like you, one of your deepest gifts has been to this has been deeply healing in our relationship, that you've, you have felt held an impeccable field of acceptance for me, yeah, and I think that's one of one of your gifts, and I think that is one of my greatest gifts now. But I was so not doing I thought I was doing it at the beginning, and in many ways, maybe I was. But for the parts, whenever I felt uncomfortable with your expression, I would do my very best to change how you were expressing, yeah, in a very slimy, passive Yeah. Don't do that kind of way. And this also is probably like a direct reflection about childhoods as well. Like I was the oldest, and I was always celebrated for being loud and expressive and on show. Yeah, yeah, bud. And for you, I don't think like you were more quiet, contained, reserved, and I feel like, yeah, like, that part of me was something that I was loved and then not loved, and I had to learn how to, like, bring that back online through our relationship, like find my power to stand in who I was number one, and know when you are projecting something and discomfort onto me, and then also allowing you to like, allowing you to see those parts of me as well, and trusting that you will love them or judge them, and then love them like that. We're going to move through these things. I remember there was a time in our relationship. Can I see that? Yeah, I remember there was a time, and this was probably around the time that I told you that, that the story I said before, about the the outfit and my family event. There was a time where something happened and you, I didn't even know what, what was the catalyst for this, but I really realized how much you in what at the time, I would call it your little boy energy, but it was just your excitable energy, the part of you that was like, like, an excited Little kid, right? Whenever you were in that energy, I I would be like, don't do that. And I would, I don't, the word repulsed is too strong, but it was this feeling of like, no, like, where's my man. I don't want the excited boy, you know. And how I how I would literally make you feel wrong for being in that energy. And so, for example, it's like your 30th birthday, you you were excited, you were just in the vibe. You were dancing to the music you loved. You were like, just in that. And I made you feel wrong for being in that. I made you feel like, who were you, I don't even recognize you. Basically, like, Who is the man that's not the man that I love? Like, like, I'm saying myself right now, like, and I was listening to a John Wineland podcast the other day, and he said something so beautiful, and I might butcher it right now, but it was basically like, don't. You can't. You can't push away the boy and expect the king. We can't make wrong the boy, yeah. And it's like, demand the king, yeah. And that's what it felt like. It was like me being like, be an impeccable King, like man, but then reject the boy. But don't bring me that boy part of you. Don't bring me that little boy part of you. And it's like, oh my gosh, like, and simultaneously I was expecting you to embrace and accept and honor the fullness of me, all parts of me, like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sounds a bit unfair. Totally. And I really, if you're a woman listening to this in a heterosexual relationship, like, really, this might feel so fucking confronting for you right now, because maybe you're listening and being like, Oh, my God, it would fit. This is like the deepest thing that I crave from my man. I want him to honor, honor me in my wildness and my chaos and my my grief and when the scared little girl comes out, and I want him to honor, and, you know, witness me and all of that, and be honest with yourself, where are you rejecting parts of him? Where are you going? Uh, don't bring me the boy. Bring me the man. Where are you demanding him to be in his king energy and in such impeccable King energy, and you're rejecting the parts of him that are aching to be loved, like aching to be loved. And. You let your practice become shining the light of your love and acceptance on those parts. And I know after that moment of me seeing that like, oh my god and rejecting your little boy, that has become one of my deepest practices in our relationship over the past probably four or five years, is to really intentionally let our relationship be a place where you feel like you can bring and be all of you. And I'm not demanding you to be a certain version of you, so I feel comfortable and I feel always looked after. It's like, No, I'm not gonna, yes, I will call forth these parts of you, but I'm not gonna demand you to be something so I always feel good. I'm gonna let you be the fullest expression of you. Thank you. That's a very good like, that's very good. There really went for that's all right, yeah, that is, that is the greatest gift like that to me, is what a relationship is for. Yes, we've got a child, yes we go and dates and yes we have sex and all those things. But there's something so beautiful about the transformation and the almost like the remembering, like bringing back these parts that I literally disowned because I didn't think they were valuable, or they didn't think that they brought value to other people's lives, or that they weren't they didn't bring value to my life, like the fact that you're helping me remember myself like that is what a Gift, what a gift to allow someone to heal wounds that you didn't create. What a gift I'd be like that's, to me, such a beautiful experience. What a gift it is to help your partner heal their wounds that you didn't actually create. You may have perpetuated or you may have poured a little salt into them, but these wounds happen before you, and that is a responsibility, a sacred duty, that we can as practitioners of devotion and love and polarity and intimacy, that we can commit to. And this is something that a lot of people don't necessarily see. See relationships through this lens. They see them through, how do I get what I want? Or how do I give my partner what they want? Or how do we create more passion? Or how do we create more connection? How do we how do we create, you know, sacred union, all of these things. But for me, like the deep healing, is what brings those, all of those results online, the great sex, the belly laughing at midnight, the tears over breakfast as you just you know, like taken over by gratitude for the relationship with you. Have all those things, those special moments, I think, are built on the foundation of, can I love you for who you are in as many moments as possible. So you remember yourself. I want to, like, bring this into a close now, like we said, just like coming full circle, it is so easy to look into your partner's eyes and say, I accept you. It is a whole other thing to practice that and live that. And so if you are ready to be in the devotional practice of this, I invite you to notice the moments in your body where you feel this contraction or repulsion or ill or Ick. You know, people talk about the ick like, no, like, start attuning to that in your body. And instead of immediately feeling that and then trying to externalize that and, like, get your partner to change that thing so you stop feeling the ick question, the ick go into the ick own, the ick that's yours, not theirs, right? They're awakening something in you, because this is a beautiful practice. This isn't just a gift to your partner to allow them to be themselves in your relationship. This is you expanding into your capacity for love, right? To love like the verb of loving. And so, yeah, notice when that contraction, repulsion, repulsion, it comes up. And instead of trying to change them so you don't feel that own, that be with that discomfort, it can even be brought into the conversation like, oh, when you said that thing, maybe your partner, you went out to a social experience. And usually you would want them, you'd be like, Oh, don't say that. Or you'd grab them, or you'd tell them to be quiet. Like, be with that discomfort. Can you sit at the table and be with the discomfort? And when you get home, can you say, Hey, I noticed this part of me when we're out that wanted to tell you to shut up, or wanted to tell you, Oh, don't say. That, or wanted to tell you to be quiet, and I don't. I don't like that. I do that. I want to really practice allowing you to be in your fullness, right? You can bring this into the conversation, so not just shame your partner and COVID At least, like, kind of sneakily say, hey, when we were out, I wanted you to be quiet, but I didn't say it. But now, look at me. I'm such a good person. No, but this is like, this is the part where you can, if it feels right to, like, make it your own practice, first and foremost. But then these can be like, part of the conversation where you're really, you're practicing together, that you're you're like, hey, I want to love you better. Hey. And again, this, this piece around ownership. If you can see already, before you even ask your partner the question, Where Don't you feel free to be you in our relationship? If you sit there and go, Oh, my God, I can already see all the ways in which I try and change my partner and I don't accept them, go to your partner and fucking own that. That that is such a gift in itself to go and go, Hey, I'm really fucking sorry. I've just realized there are so many ways in which I try and change you or dilute you or make you small. Oh, she you're smiling to that one. Yeah. What do you think? Yes. And own that, like, own that there is nothing like ownership in relationship. I feel like that's something that I've I really love practicing that I really love noticing where I don't get it right, and then coming to you and being like, fuck. I do that all the time, hey. Or like, fuck, like I tried to control you. Then, oh, my God, I do that there, there and there. Like, it's just such a such a gift to have our own awareness and then to let our partner in on that awareness. Important note, if you catch yourself in the act, what you can do is just say, Can I have another go with that? Just a favorite line, can I have another go at that? Yeah, can I have another go at that and give your partner the grace and honor their humanity and know that they've got stories as well? And be like, Yeah, let's have another go at that. And I've been doing this here. I'm like, okay, scene two act, and we make it fun, and we make it light, and we bring our hearts back online through the lightness that, hey, we're both actually invested in what's best for both of us as individuals and as partners. So let's, let's have another go at that. Oh, we're right on time go and practice, not only saying that you accept your partner, but truly being in integrity with that, truly embodying that choosing to feel your own discomfort instead of trying to change your partner. Okay, we love you, bless up. Is there anywhere that we need to direct these guys right now well as always come Best Place to Work with me is full spectrum woman the membership. Or if you What about the Yeah, full spectrum on live, doing a live event on the Gold Coast on the 22nd of February, 2025 we're already over halfway sold. I think there's less than 50 tickets left. There's going to be 100 women in the room. You're going to want to be there. We'll put the link below, or just head on over to my Instagram and DM me the word live, and I'll send you all the deets. It's the tea gom for women. Let's call it that the tea gong for women, gathering, the gathering, gathering of men for women. Yes, and how about you? Anywhere you want to send if you want to do more men's work, we've built an academy that's designed for guys who want to embrace their masculine leadership, for themselves, for their relationships and for their legacy. So shoot me a DM, or you can check the link in my bio for that. But this is yet purely designed to support men to become the truest, fullest version of themselves, which then, you know, filters into their own personal practice, into their relationship, and then into what they're here to give back to the world as well. So hit us up, man, if you're ready to do the work. And as always, if you love this podcast, we would love you to subscribe or review wherever you listen to it. If it's YouTube, if it's apple, if it's Spotify, rate it, review it. We love you. And it just means Yeah, this work and yeah, this mission can get into the ears of so many other people. So we're grateful. Thank you. We'll see you next week. Big Love. Peace, yo, yo, yo. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of sex, love and everything in between. Now if you'd like to stay connected with Meg and I you can head on over to Instagram and follow me at the Jacob O'Neal. And where can people find you? Lover, at B dot. Meg, dot. O amazing. And yeah, guys, check out the show notes for all other information in regards to what we've got coming up. And yeah, we're super, super grateful that you guys for taking. Of time to listen in to this podcast. If you do have any topics or any questions like I said, hit us up on Instagram, and we'll see what we can do. Apart from that, have a beautiful, beautiful rest of your day. Thanks for being here. Big, big. Love you.