Ep 84: Unleashing Intimacy: Allan McGrath on Sacred Masculinity and Sexual Power

In this episode, Jacob O'Neill is joined by Allan McGrath, an intimacy mentor who’s been guiding men and women toward deeper connections for over a decade. Allan reveals the power of sexual energy, not just as a physical act, but as a pathway to higher purpose and profound personal transformation.

Together, they explore the art of polarity in relationships, the magnetic dance between masculine and feminine energies, and how couples can harness this dynamic to enhance their intimacy. Allan also shares his unique approach to helping women embrace their feminine essence through sexual yoga and the teachings of sacred intimacy.
 
 They also riff off on:

• Alan McGraw helps people deepen their connections by understanding sexual polarity. 
• Jacob O'Neill explains how balancing different aspects of ourselves can enhance intimacy in relationships. 
• Jacob reflects on balancing masculine and feminine energies for growth. 
• Jacob and Allan discuss using polarity and tantra for healing. 
• Jacob shares a moment of feeling overwhelmed by his wife’s love, illustrating deep connection. 
• Jacob talks about using sex for transformation and liberation. 
• Jacob reflects on prioritizing his partner’s pleasure and managing ejaculation.
• Jacob discusses managing ejaculation and its impact on energy. 
• Jacob and Allan emphasize the importance of self-awareness in men’s work and intimacy. 

and many more.

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⚡️Let’s Stay Connected:

IG: @the.meg.o @thejacoboneill @sexloveeverythinginbetween

⚡️Connect with Allan:

IG: @allanmcgrath_ 

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⚡ Want more? Here are some of the offerings & courses you can join us in…

THE GATHERING OF MEN: https://www.theembodiedmaninstitute.com/tgom-2024

FULL SPECTRUM WOMAN: https://meg-oneill.com/full-spectrum-woman

CLAIMED: An in-person event who wants to feel deeply claimed by their partner: https://meg-oneill.com/claimed-immersion

PLEASURE PORTAL: 14 day event - https://meg-oneill.com/pleasure-portal

Ignite Your Intimacy: A 4 week course for couples ready for a sexier, wilder, more ALIVE relationship… NOW! --->https://meg-oneill.com/ignite-your-intimacy
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Jacob & Meg also coach individuals & couples. Reach out to them via Instagram for more information. 

Transcript

Jacob O'Neill: 0:12

Hey, lovers, welcome, welcome. Welcome to another podcast. As you can see, Meg is, she's actually still in bed, guys, she's still in bed. She's asleep with the mouth tape on, cuddling up to our little dog. And I've jumped up today to interview an incredible man who I've been following for quite a while, and I've seen him doing some amazing work over in the States. He also works online, so obviously around the world. But yeah, I'd love to introduce you to Mr. Alan McGraw, welcome, bro.

Unknown: 0:47

Thanks, man. Appreciate you having me

Jacob O'Neill: 0:49

right on. Right on, man. So guys, Alan is an intimacy mentor. He guides men and women to embody the teachings of sacred intimacy, and he's been doing this work for a decade. He's been facilitating the evolution of men through embodied masculinity find finding a higher purpose and unlocking sexual power. And he also leads women through their journey of feminine embodiment, sexual yoga and the art of intimacy. He also works with couples on deepening their connection through polarity and relational intimacy through practices, in his workshops, trainings and one on one coaching. Now I just want to give a quick little intro as to how I found my way to Alan. Alan's wonderful partner, Shay, actually was one of Meg's first really, really initiatory coaches. I remember when Meg actually signed up to work with ASHA It was like one of those big moments in her journey. And it was so beautiful to see that the sisterhood that was built through, through their relationship with, with all of the women that were in that container, bro and I got to witness. I got to sort of witness from, from my perspective, the the sisterhood that was brewing, and I was also following a Shay, and then all of a sudden there's this guy that starts popping up in her, in some of her stories and some of her Instagram posts. And all of a sudden there's this, there's this other side to a shea that I start to see come online and knowing what it's like to be with a powerful, deeply embodied, intuitive woman that is owning and expressing her, her like unique transmission. I was like, This guy must know what's up. This guy must understand what it's like to be in relationship to the full force of the feminine, whilst also standing his ground and staying on on path and and actualizing his own vision, bro. So yeah, man, it's been beautiful to witness. You know, you guys rise together alongside each other and weave your work together. And I think that's that's the beauty of men's work and women's work is when it can come together and really alchemize in sacred union, bro. So I'd love to start with the hottest topic on the internet, the thing that everyone's talking about, sexual polarity, bro. I'd love to get your take on it, because for me, it's something that I'm seeing used as kind of the poster boy for, for for the for relationships, but knowing the work that you do bro and knowing the depth that you guys hold, I'd love to hear from you like, what's your what is your take on polarity and what is your what do you What do you feel people need to prioritize when there's maybe they've got polarity in there. They're aware of it. Maybe they've read intimate communion. They've read some stuff online. But what do you feel people are really needing to understand about polarity, to use it at a deeper level?

Unknown: 3:40

Yeah. So polarity is a is a sacred, somatic practice. And most people, for most people, it's just an idea. It's a buzzword. It's a thing to do, or like a something they need to be more of or less of. And really, it's a, it's a very deep, very ancient practice that you can, you can see, has traces in in the ancient tantric traditions. But nobody, nobody actually does that. I mean, I talked to, I talked to, like, so called polarity coaches, and I'm like, so do you and your partner practice? And they're like, What do you mean? I'm like, Have you ever done like, a real polarity practice? They're like, question marks arise in their eyes. And I And it's amazing to me, because it's become this kind of de facto way of viewing, kind of like, how you're not enough. It's like, Okay, gotta be more masculine so that my partner can be happy with me in relationship, or I gotta be more feminine so that I can get what I want my man. And it's it's sad and it's misunderstood. And I was at a party the other day, actually, and I heard this guy. Who looked like he was, I don't know, 22 something like that. Say to this woman like, oh, wow, it sounds like you're really masculine, or something like that, or you're in your masculine and it like my heart cringe on the inside, because I just, you know, it's become this, this kind of bastardized thing as A, and there's plenty of reasons why, but, but for me, it's a, it's, like I said, a deep somatic practice that can be used to create sacred union with your partner when, when intentionally for a specific, specific reason at a specific time, partners, AB like I abdicate the part of me that is, you know, fluid and feminine and feeling oriented and and kind of Take up the part of me that is more aware and conscious, and my partner does the opposite. She lets go of all the ways she's so beautifully aware and directive and guiding of her life, and allows me to take up that space and allows her to go into her feeling and the part of her that is fluid and deeply feminine, like when we meet in those places. That's, I mean, that's ancient man, that's, that's archetypal, and it is a pivotal practice that we use in our life. But at the same time, it's not everything. It's not like gonna cure, you know, cure everything in your it's not going to heal everything. It it absolutely it becomes kind of like, you know what it is, and it's a, it's an, it's a practice of meeting each other in a very deep way. And I most people, first of all, don't understand how to practice it, like I said. They don't even realize that it is something you can practice. So they don't know how to do it. But, but as well, it's it's challenging, like, to show up, to take off all your masks, to like, really meet each other in a deep way, consistently in your life is a is a challenging task. And if you do it a lot of the particularly when you when you bring it doesn't have to be sexual, per se, but it can go there. When you meet each other sexually in that manner, it's incredibly deep. And when that's when that is something that part relationships have kind of at their core, a lot of the sort of like baseline anxiety or baseline suffering that that people experience in Their relationship kind of gets settled because at their because their bodies are being met, their souls are being met at the place where they really need to be. I have this theory that a part of what why people are so obsessed with polarizing their life is because they're trying to compensate for their like, their sexual intimacy being so unfulfilling and having no clue how to actually like, meet each other in a like, a conscious way, which is what polarity really is. It's like we're just relaxing into our essence. It's just a conscious act. It's nothing all that special, to be honest. And so instead, because they don't have that, they try and make everything polarized. Like, Okay, I gotta be feminine in my words. I gotta be masculine in my communication. I gotta be feminine in the kitchen and I gotta be masculine. Like, it's just, like, just trying to, you know, get milk from the hardware store and everywhere else in our life, which like, okay, it's great to do if it's a natural expression of your being. But I feel like so many people, this polarity thing is just plugged right into their wound of not being enough, and they just see it, see themselves through that lens. So anyway, that's that's a bit about how I feel about it,

Jacob O'Neill: 9:22

bro, that like, you've given words to a lot of my feelings. So thank you. Like, one of the things I love about jumping on with with men that are deep in this work is, like, sometimes stuff's still brewing. For me, it's not fully formed. And what you just shared there are, like polarity being a practice like that. That's what I'm taking from that, that share of yours, like, ah, like, if you don't know how to practice it, then you're just going to kind of slap it on different areas of your life and be like, Well, I'm a man. I'm the masculine one. I'm going to do this, and I'm going to, I'm going to tick these seven boxes, and that's going to make me masculine, therefore she's going to be feminine. And then that's going to make our relationship perfect. And I don't think that's I think it can be good if you're wanting to create, like, really, really, like, a relationship that looks more like a spreadsheet. But when, when we're deepening into the heart space and the and this, this, like, you know, this space of, of sacred union, it can be. It's not. It's not just a formula. It is this, it's a dance, it's a piece of artwork that you're co creating. So for me, man, that's, um, that's a nice little reminder for me as well, bro, being in a, in a in a wonderful partnership with Meg and her being like, 3233 weeks pregnant now, and just remembering that polarity can be a practice, and I definitely need to make a little more time and space for that. We've had a lot of other beautiful moments, but I can see how I've I've slipped in the last month with 100 other things going on in my life, bro. So thanks for that beautiful reminder.

Unknown: 10:54

Yeah, it's about, it's about prioritizing certain things. You know, that's a challenge. We live in a busy time, busy world. And what I found is when I prioritize those, those kinds of experiences in my relationship, like the fruits can be seen like they filter out, everywhere filter out, and everything else,

Jacob O'Neill: 11:16

beautiful man, the the next piece around, like I just love for you to give. I'm really feeling into the audience here, and just feeling into what, what would really serve them. You know, Megan, I speak on polarity, and we give our examples over and over again, and we're very much storytellers. But for you, Brother, what could you in as with brevity and potency and your, you know, your your flavor, what is the essence of of of the masculine? What is the essence of the feminine? And sort of giving people your, your transmission of those, what those two are,

Unknown: 11:56

yeah, so, like I said before, really it's, it's about relaxing into your essence. And usually, I mean, if you're in a heterosexual relationship the majority of the time, and this can be, this can be homosexual relationship as well. It's not a gender thing, but the majority of the time there is a more masculine partner and a more feminine partner and men, most men at their essence, they have more masculine sexual essence, and what that means is they want to they would rather take than be taken. They would rather provide than be provided for. They would rather be in a spiritual level, aware than in love. So you know, like, a man would be happier at a 10 day meditation retreat than a sometimes like, let's say, most of the time, a man would be happier at a meditation retreat than a 10 day ecstatic dance. Like, if I'm choosing which to sign up for, I'm going for the meditation retreat. And, yeah, okay, you too. And it's not like because the ecstatic dance is bad, but like, I'd say eight times out of 10, I'm going to the meditation retreat two times out of 10. Man, that's ecstatic dance. Sounds pretty fun. Sounds like a nice place to just let go of all the consciousness and awareness and just feel. And that's what the feminine is. The feminine is feeling itself. It is. It is life expressed and on a very deep level. You know, like I said before, this has its roots in very ancient tantric practices. At a very deep level, the masculine is consciousness, which is all that is. But in order to experience itself as that, it needs its opposite. So there, there arises light, and light is the feminine. Light is the thing that's shining through all things. This desk, you me, the sun. Trees are women, kids. So it's our emotions, it's internal, it's it's all things, and it's through that meeting of consciousness and light that we really find out, like who we are. Union happens when consciousness and light merges, and that is one of the most blissful experiences I've ever had. That's for sure, that I think a human can have is like no self, no thought, no effort, just pure consciousness and pure light, recognizing each other in each other, recognizing themselves in each other. And that, to me, that's what all this stuff is about. But we. We live in a strange time, and so things get perverted in strange ways. But at its essence, that's what it's really for, is is like a deep, spiritual, soulful union that can occur between man and woman or or really between all like it, you could experience this between man and man, I misspoke there really, you know, you and I, we could. We could practice it right now. I'll take on the feminine. You could take on the masculine. We could have. We could meet as consciousness and light, if we wanted to. And so it really becomes a sort of technology for learning how to love deeply and fully and yeah, that's, that's what I would say.

Jacob O'Neill: 15:49

Oh, man, I it took me back to a moment when you were sharing that on our honeymoon, Megan are in Bali, and I was reading John Winelands book from the core, and he was talking about, just like, holding one of the practices, like, just look at her, and just open yourself to being so conscious, and wrapping her in your consciousness. And just like, just create such a space that she like, that she becomes pure light. And I remember she was Meg was packing, just packing her suitcase. And I just looked over at her, and she wasn't looking at me. And I just like, took on the space of consciousness, wrapped her in it, and I just My presence was just so fiercely penetrating her that she just like her, like her back, just sort of she just, sort of like, shivered and turned around and looked at me in that moment, man, like, I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life. And it was in, it wasn't, it wasn't in the throes of deep love making. It wasn't at the at the altar when we were getting married. It was and she was packing the suitcase to go to the next, the next hotel. But I just remember practicing that and having and we just laughed and laughed and laughed afterwards. Because she was like, what was that? And I was like, wow, and I just, we just felt each other. And it was, it was just magic, man. It was such a, such a micro moment. But it was also like it just felt like it rippled out into the timelessness and spacelessness of all eternity. It was, it was amazing, yeah,

Unknown: 17:19

yeah, yeah, yeah, that really, that's a beautiful example of it, and it's, and it's really that that simple in a way. And so the practice becomes, just to magnify that, right?

Jacob O'Neill: 17:33

Yes, beautiful bro, to sort of wrap, sort of wrap the polarity conversation up. Is there a simple practice you could suggest for for the listeners, is there something that they could just, maybe, just cut their teeth on or start to bring into their world? Is there something you could, you know, offer the people listening around this?

Unknown: 17:55

Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, this becomes, this becomes a kind of, you know, people, I'll just say this, but before I go into the practice, people looking to, you know, extra like exercise their masculine, or exercise their feminine in their life is not a bad thing if it's done consciously, if it's done artistically, not for the sake of trying to get something from the world, get approval, get love. That's actually very selfish in a way, if it's done consciously, like as a as a pure expression, it's beautiful. And so we can make, we can make art with all kinds of way in every moment, right? Like in that moment you made art by just, you know, relaxing into your consciousness and then, you know, holding her in. It's that that's a beautiful moment. So in that way, like the the art of polarity can be done many ways in your life, if you're if you're just getting started, the place to start is sitting in front of each other and um, letting your Eyes connect and your breath connect and sink so a very simple way to do this is sit in front of each other, look into each other's left eye, and ideally, the masculine practitioner would kind of set a container, set a space so that might include some gentle music, that might include a candle, a flower, you know, a couple cushions to sit on so you're comfortable clean room. Look into each other's left eye. Start to sync up your breath, and then after a few moments, when you start to feel like you're in sync together and your body start to attune to each other. Her, the man or the person playing the masculine, start to almost pick up the breath of the feminine. So it's like you could breathe for the feminine partner. I'll just speak in heterosexual terms with the man in the masculine, so he could breathe for her. And what she would do is let him, like she would surrender her breath, so that he, with every inhale, is breathing both for her and for him. And that, if you would do that for about, you know, after about five minutes or so, you'll really start to feel this. It sounds kind of weird to say, but it's something you can actually do. And so the masculine practitioner, again, the masculine holds its consciousness. Consciousness holds light. So you're literally like, hold, like holding her with your breath. And she's receiving the the force of your breath through her. She's not she's not holding her breath on her own anymore. She's not breathing herself. She's She's surrendering to let you breathe for her. And if you're just getting started, that's maybe even more advanced than you need. For some people, just looking into each other's eyes is like a revelatory experience. And you know, I'll say it, I think we'll get to here. I think there's practices that should be done before polarity, like when I do my intensives, I never go straight into polarity practices, because when we do that, oftentimes we're just practicing on top of a bunch of wounding and so into more intimacy. Practices are really good to start so that you're coming from a really pure, clean, healed place, like, polarity should be practiced really like then the tantric traditions, they were very specific when you were to practice them, and you had to perceive certain initiations to do them, and certain certain ways of being were upheld, right? And one of the big ones is just that, it's that there's, first of all, your life is in integrity. So you're following a certain path, right? If you're out of integrity in your life, you shouldn't be practicing polarity, to put it simply, yes, because you're not going to show up with the fullness that is required for and there's, I mean, there's all kinds. There's other ones as well, but that's a big one. You know, when people show up to these, they do a workshop, and they become like a just reminded me that when I first met my mache she thought for sure I was this polarity player. I was this guy who just like walked around like polarizing women, seducing them. And she was certain of it. Turns out I was just choosing her. Yeah,

Jacob O'Neill: 23:26

she's like, I can see straight through this guy. But,

Unknown: 23:36

yeah, anyway, so So,

Jacob O'Neill: 23:41

yeah, bro, thank you for that. That's a it's a really great place for people to start, but also to understand the, I guess the the integrity of the work comes from the integrity of your you know, where you are at, as well as a human. And that's in polarity can be such a gateway for a lot of people, because it is so accessible right now. But what I've found is, like the moment I understood polarity at a beginner level, it opened up my like a big part of my healing journey, a massive part of my healing journey. It showed me a lot of the places where I was trying to cover up the not enough wound, or my worthiness wound, is what I call it. So yeah, bro, thank you for speaking to that. I kind of wanted to shift into to, like, the men's work stuff. But do you feel that we, you know, this idea of this, that when you're speaking about tantra and the this next sort of, this piece around intimacy, I think I'd love it to take it there. I'm going to shift it, if that's cool with

Unknown: 24:39

you. Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Jacob O'Neill: 24:41

So the the other sort of topic we had was like, sacred relationship and sex, but this thing that you're talking about intimacy, how is that? How is that different to polarity, and what does that bring to it, to a sacred relationship, and what does it allow people to experience? Yeah, instead of just. Focusing on polarity, polarity, polarity. What is it that the intimacy affords people when they start to deepen into that for themselves and also for their relationship?

Unknown: 25:11

Yeah, yeah. So into, I mean, polarity in, in a sort of technical sense, is it's kind of, it's like finding union through opposition. It's like finding union through through difference, through opposite and intimacy is about finding union through sameness, through like, through, through our humanity, right? It's, it's like literally letting, letting each other, into each other, and there's no, there's no concept of, necessarily, of like consciousness or love or lies. It's like, it's, it's, it's much more about the heart in that sense. And it, really, it should. It should start there really, because that's where we have a lot of healing to do, right? Like we have generational healing to do, we have personal healing to do. And, you know, a lot of a lot of I see a lot of relationships where people are in relationship with each other, totally hiding what's actually occurring in their heart. And then they come and they want to practice polarity, and it's like, okay, well, what's actually going on in you? And have you let each other see that first? And so that's why I said, I start. I start. I That's where I begin with a lot of my clients and all of my my polarity and intimacy workshops is around healing, around like healing and deep connection through intimacy. Because we just, we carry deep wounds, man, we carry really deep wounds, and we walk around in our life and our relationships pretending like we don't, but we do, and our intimate relationships actually can be like the kind of like the altar that we that we Use to heal those wounds are to transform them into something. And you know they will your relationship will show you all the ways that you are. You know, all of your patterns, all of your you know shadows, all of your projections, like it will show you all those things. And so if we can embrace that, rather than run from it. Our relationships can become very beautiful places to connect and find like and to heal and to know not just ourselves, but this person that we're committed to, hopefully in a deep way. I Yeah,

Jacob O'Neill: 28:03

that's that's so important. I i I'm just like, I'm just like, really feeling the the depth of healing that I've experienced in my relationship, and I feel that that's such an integral part of the the depth that Meg and I traverse, not just in sex, but also just in, like, where, you know what we're wanting from life. And when you said intimacy, like, it's like, the sameness and the, you know, the hearts, it's like, oh, like, for me, it's so easy to create polarity and then just stay in the polarity of like, I'm the man, you're the woman, I'm masculine, you're feminine. We have our specific roles. But if I, if I only stayed there, then I'm not, I'm sort of only sort of seeing one side of the, the one side of the, I guess, the the Yeah, one side of the story. And I said in, in my vows with mega you've taught me, you've taught me how to love myself like that was one of the things. Like that was one of the gifts that she gave me when she taught me how to love the parts of me that I didn't know were worthy of love and, um, like it makes me emotional thinking about that man. Because, like, I would not be able to love myself if I didn't have the safe intimacy that I experienced with with Meg, I would not there wouldn't be this, this, this category of self love that I'm experiencing. And I was on the phone last night with a with a bro, and I was like, man, I was setting the table last night, and my little dog was running through the house, and my wife is like, washing baby clothes that are we're getting ready for, setting up the nursery. And I was like, This is it, man, this is it like, I had a moment of like, I don't care how many men come to my retreat. I don't care if there's ever a million dollars in my I don't care about where I'm going right now. Because right now, this is the moment that, this is that I'm. Been waiting for. And it just hit me like, and I'm just like, in just setting the table about to have like a standard dinner on a Thursday night, it wasn't anything. And I was like, This is it? And it was so beautiful to feel almost like the the the tidal wave of love sort of hit me in that moment and realized, wow, I've, I've really committed and done some work to be able to get to this moment. And he was like, Really, bro, that's what you were feeling. I was like, man. It was, it was, it was like, like, God, threw a lightning bolt and hit me fair in the top of the head. It was amazing. It was such an amazing moment of oneness setting the table. And I was like, ah, in this moment I get it. I'm sure I'll forget it again, but I was just like, I was just really, really grateful for that moment. And I truly believe that intimacy has been one of the most healing, and it's allowed me to, yeah, engage with the polarity practices from a hold, from from a much, deeper place of trust in myself, trust in my partner, and almost bring in this whole, what I've been calling embodied faith that I truly believe we're going

Unknown: 31:12

to make it I love that man. Yeah, whole is a good word. Whole is a good word because it's it should be built like this. It should be like I am whole meaning, like I have my my life together, and it's in integrity, and it's in alignment, and it's connected to truth and and then we are whole, like we are in alignment and connected to truth, and we are, you know, revealing things, and we're showing each other who we are. And we're, you know, we're at the same time to bring in the polarities perspective, like we're both whole in our masculine and our feminine. We're both capable of of guiding and directing and leading and being in awareness and surrendering and feeling and allowing and and we can do both. And so once we reach that, then we get to go. Only when we reach that can we really play with polarity in a deep way? Because now it's there's no longer power games. There's no longer attempts to get something from and it's like, okay, well, I'm totally capable of being in my feminine or my masculine. So I'm going to relax into what feels most true, into my essence, and you're going to do the same as a conscious choice to meet each other in that place, not because we have to, not because I'm the man and you're the woman, not because that's what society tells us to do, but because that's what's true in our essence, and that that is a purity in that and so it's it can Go far deeper than when it's like, okay, I'm the man, so I'm supposed to be masculine. No, no, no. They said you're supposed to be doing this because you're it's like, it doesn't, it gets tainted, and people feel the result of it.

Jacob O'Neill: 33:16

Man, I'm loving this so much. I'm like, Yeah, selfishly, like, I love podcasting, just so I can have deep, like, deep combos with with epic bros. I totally, I'd love, I'd love to, like, yeah, just sort of weave that, you know, that thread a tiny little deeper, little bit deeper, but for into this idea of sacred relationships and sex, so bringing intimacy and polarity together, like, what is the, what is the essence of a sacred relationship and sex for you, you know, Meg and I have, you know, shared a lot on this podcast around like, the definition of sex for us, from when we got together to where we're at now, is massively, massively different. Sex is a whole new it's a completely different thing. So, you know, we've spoken about polarity. We've touched on the, you know, the healing of intimacy, if you were to come, sort of, we're sort of moving towards the next piece, which is the the sacred relating and sex. What is, what is that to you? And how can you provide a, you know, a digestible, I guess, understanding of this. For people that are really, they know they want more of this, but they're still, they're still finding their way. There's a willingness, but there's also an uncertainty. If that makes sense,

Unknown: 34:36

I'm sorry, man, can you repeat that last part? It kind of cut out. No

Jacob O'Neill: 34:40

worries. I

Unknown: 34:40

just said, for people who are still

Jacob O'Neill: 34:43

that is the sort of still exploring this and that there's a willingness, but there's an uncertainty.

Unknown: 34:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, for good reason, because sex is the. Place that most people are most trapped still, you know, take, I don't know if I either really, really, really want to be in the bedroom of the world's billionaire, like the world's most wealthy person, or I really don't the part of me that yearns to help people get free wants to be in there so I can just, I can see where they're at, but the part of me that probably knows where they're at does not want to be there because sex is, sex is, it's, it's where we're all here because of sex. It's like, it's where all, like all of our it's like our karma is stored in tandem with sex. And to answer your question directly, sex, for me, is a place to to transform, to liberate, to get free, through, through the through the connection with the other. So the sexual energy becomes something to free me from my patterns, free me from my thoughts, free me from my sense of separate self and all of the musculature and tension and sort of habit that that that accompany that, and when you, when you do these things that I've been talking about, like these practices of intimacy and practices of polarity. If you follow it all the way through to sex, it will inherently be that, because you'll you'll have that thread of of healing sacredness, like deep connection to love or to consciousness, like when you're really connected to those things, you're the kind of fucked up sex self that we create through puberty doesn't really have a place. It doesn't really it doesn't work all that well, and it what you can actually, what you can see is it becomes this beautiful mirror of like, oh, that's all of my conditioning and and I'm gonna let that go for the sake of something infinitely more, well, For one pleasurable, but also meaningful and fulfilling. And enlivening. And so that's, that's how I use sex, like it's so it's a it's a practice of getting free. And so our our sex never looks the same unless we're practicing something consistently, it has it. There's no repeating anything. There is no goal to get to unless I'm failing in my unless I'm failing in my practice, which I do. But, yeah, yeah. It really becomes this beautiful arena to look at all the ways that we are conditioned and to transform them. So one of the big ones is ejaculation, right? It's like men and women are conditioned to believe that when a man ejaculates, first of all, that's the point of sex. And then once that occurs, sex is over. Like, what a ridiculously infantile and kind of pointless result of something that could be so beautiful. Like, we're reducing the possibility of ourselves knowing that we are God, that we are love, that we are not separate to this like seven second spurt of pleasure. So it really when you, when you start to take it sacredly, not seriously, but sacredly, it, yeah, there's, there's, so much there. And again, these practices of intimacy and polarity, when you take them into sex and use them as the foundation of your sex, it transforms your sex, because you're no longer just doing the thing that you saw in a porn video or you saw was hot when you were 12 and you've been doing the rest of your life. It transforms your it opens you. It opens this rich source of really sexual energy is is, you know, I work a lot with my dreams, and sexual energy and dreams is a really beautiful way to wake up, to get loose. Sit in dreams, I've found like if I feel attraction to something, if I feel turn on, if I feel sexual energy, it gives me an immense amount of agency in the dream. I'm not sure if you've ever noticed this yourself, but it, but it, I take it the same way in in life, like it's the same energy. And our sexual energy has, it has the capacity for us to either wake up or, like, recommit to our karmic patterns that, again, we learned, oftentimes not very consciously. So that's how that's how I hold her.

Jacob O'Neill: 40:43

I love that, bro. I love that. I I want to speak into one little thing that I feel is relevant for for men who have similar patterns to me, and I think it's pretty, pretty common, but I kind of got a little handle on some of this work, and then I instantly made my ejaculation wrong? Which kind of flipped, flipped my but then I still had an outcome, right? I still, instead, it was like, okay, don't ejaculate, but I must make sure my partner orgasms. And then I created

Unknown: 41:17

almost

Jacob O'Neill: 41:19

so I was like, Okay, I'm not allowed to. I was almost denying, like, don't you feel too much pleasure, because that might finish sex, but you must get your partner to a certain place before sex can be, like, successful. And as sort of label it people pleaser or the nice guy, like, for me, sex became almost this. It then became, like a chore, or became a burden. I was like, anytime I thought of sex, I was like, Oh, God, I gotta go and get her off. Oh, and I'm not, I'm not meant to ejaculate, because there's this thing called semen retention, and if I, you know, release my seed. And I got super, super in my head about it, bro. And I think that can be a common thing for men that intellectualize a lot of this, these practices, is there anything that you can speak to, for guys that might be experiencing that you know, and even myself right now with, especially if you've got a vision, or if you, if you're on mission as a man as well, sometimes that, that that filters in, I'm like, sex becomes a chore, not This place to get free and deeply connect with with the person I love. So if you could just riff on that, bro, just I'd love to hear your take.

Unknown: 42:27

Well, I'll add a caveat to all the things that I've said, which is that I'm also human, and I also fail at all these things that I've said many times. So keep that in mind. These are, these are like places to practice towards. And that's what practice is. It's like, that's what I take all of life is, it's a practice. You're just, you're not. It's not about being perfect. It's about gesturing towards, am I? What I want to do is wake up like, that's, that's what I want to do. I want to wake up. I want to get free. And I don't always do that, and I oftentimes will do the opposite in very subtle ways. So I've done the same, I have done the exact same thing. Then I have made, made, you know, ejaculation. I haven't gone quite so militant with like, ejaculation. It's not allowed, but I've definitely fallen into, you know, okay, that's, that's the goal, that my partner has to, has to orgasm. And I'm what, what I have gotten good at is, and what I think every man needs to get good at is noticing the impact, becoming sensitive to the impact. And what I mean by that is, as we as we do these, maybe we take on these practices, but really just like how you hold yourself in a room, or how you have a conversation, noticing the nuances of impact. And so, for example, when I started to make my partner's orgasm the point of sex, I realized that the impact was exactly as you said, like, it's a burden. I don't want to do this. It's a chore. It's like, there's What the fuck is in it. For me, like, that kind of feeling the impact was that sex became kind of lifeless, juiceless. And it could be the same thing with with, like, learning about, oh, semen retention is going to save every every solve every problem that you've ever had, right? It's like, is the impact that you actually become a more sensitive, deep, connected lover, or are you just like, you're actually, like, withholding from actually engaging with the experience because you're afraid of the pleasure. So I think that's something that's just as kind of important to underlie all of these things. It's just, rather than just following things blindly, it's like when you take on something, notice the impact of it, so that you can really feel what's true. And I think ejaculation, you know. I've done everything from hold for months on end to ejaculate every seven days. Because there was a study that said, if you do that, you know, your testosterone will will double every time you do it, which is a crazy fucking idea now that I think about it. To, you know, back in the, I mean, porn was a big thing for me. I'm not sure about for you, but many men my age, like, it was common to ejaculate multiple times a day. Thank God. That's that's been a long time from from those times, but, yeah, that was, you know, my early history. Like, that's that that was what you did, is like you just, of course you did that if you were like, you were a pussy, if you didn't. I think my friends and I had competitions of who could the most. And so, you know, I've ran the gamut of what's what's possible, and these days, what my practice is to be sensitive to the impact and to feel like what's actually true. There are moments where, let's say, to ejaculate, two days in a row. It's actually like a very beautiful celebration of life and of pleasure and a connection, and they could bring it brings closeness and it brings energy. Then there's days where to do that, to check, like, two days in a row would be incredibly depleting, and it's not correct to do. And so rather than follow this like script of like, okay, cannot do this or must do this these days, I feel what's true, and my partner, my partner, helps me as well. Like, I'll let you in today, I it's been, I don't really even keep track anymore, but it's probably been a couple weeks since I ejaculated, and my partner and I were in practice this morning, and man, I really felt I could, you know, that story that comes into your head of like, all the reasons why you should I, I started to feel that and and my and my lady was just like, right as I was feeling like, oh yeah. Like, this is totally, this is exactly what I should do. I should absolutely ejaculate. She said. I don't remember exactly what she said, but she basically said the opposite. She was like, I want you to hold this. I want you to hold all this energy. And at first I was like, oh, fuck, right, because I'm in like, ejaculation brain, which I think is very important for men to to get un addicted to. Let's be very clear about that. Like for any of this to start, if a man is addicted to ejaculation, it's not going to work, because he's going to be just absolutely driven by an outcome. So I think it is important early on to get unaddicted to ejaculation, and then once you're past that, then you can start to get okay, like, what's actually true for my ejaculation, and then be sensitive to the impact when you don't ejaculate and when you do. So she says this thing to me today, and the ejaculation brain is like, fuck. But as I feel as I like take her in, I feel like the spirit with what she's saying, and I start to feel like, Oh, she's right. It would be it would be more true. It would be more in service to our love, to me, to my purpose, to life, to hold today and just just like send the energy further into my body rather than spurt it out. And so I'm lucky that I have an ally in my practice. But again, I think that's the best way to do it is first, to get un addicted, to break that addiction to ejaculation. Because that's just, it's just how we were raised, for many of us, and as we, as we do that, we break our addiction to the all the emotional components that oftentimes accompany ejaculation. And then from there, we can start to feel like, what's actually, what's actually true to do? And then notice the impact, like, oh, okay, I ejaculated yesterday, and now I'm like, empty. I have no like, I have no effort, I have no drive. Oh, that's the result of that. Or maybe you ejaculated, and then you feel like, very full and very fulfilled and very relaxed, and you go, Oh, okay, that was the result of that. And you start to, like, navigate the ship of your life, towards towards what you're what you're sensitive to,

Jacob O'Neill: 49:38

yeah, man, like that, like hearing you speak about that, like it's, it's a practice, and it's a journey for everyone. And the more aware you become, the more sensitive you are to that. You know, you call almost like, what's a what's what's alive in the moment, like, I call that the emerging truth. You know, sometimes my ejaculation brain is like, this is the truth, bro, you've got this get there, or other times there'll be. Like, it's like, no, you're not allowed to have pleasure. No, no. And then I've if I sink my awareness just a little deeper, it's like, here it is, Jacob, if you quiet this guy and that and feel, yeah, ah, this is what the moment's asking of you. Ah, like, for instance, yeah, there's so many moments where actually slowing right down and stopping has been the actual answer. Then other times it's like, no, like, like, lose yourself in this. Like, really, let yourself go there. So, man, thank you so much for that, totally, that beautiful, um, sort of trajectory that we've been on over this podcast with the three, sort of those three areas which is so, so important for people to understand. I really, I really hope that, you know, if you're a man listening like, really, you know, really take this, this depth of the understanding and these definitions and these explanations of polarity, intimacy and sex, and see them as a, you know, as a way of looking at these beyond the the spreadsheet that is given to you by all of the carousels and the 32nd reels like this is, we've only been talking for just on 50 minutes. And this is, you know, there's, there's, there's, there's lifetimes of this work available to you if you start to practice even, even at 10% of the depth that we we've explored today, bro. So, man, I'm so grateful. But we're going to talk about a whole heap of men's work, but maybe we, we can talk about that on another, another podcast down the line. This has been really, yeah, I needed to hear all of this, bro. Thank you like this has been really important for me to have this conversation with you, and I just want to honor the depth of your work and your devotion to it. Thank you so much, bro. Where can people find you and what have you got on? You know, this podcast is Yeah, is an opportunity for you to speak. And you know, we have a lot of people listening in Australia. So, you know, shout out to the Aussies. But bro, where can people find you and what have you got on? Yeah, yeah.

Unknown: 52:02

Yeah, yeah. Man, yeah. First of all, thanks for having me. It's been a great, great conversation with you. Man, I would love to do another one. We can. You know, all of these conversations like we scratch the surface, right, that each of them has so much nuance, and we didn't even get into men's work, so, yeah, so you can find me. For better or worse, Instagram is a great place to stay connected. You can get on my email list through that as well. I have you can find me on Alan McGrath is bell.com it's my website which may or may not be outdated. I'm not the most tech savvy, so forgive me if it is, but Instagram's relatively up to date, and yeah, in the next let's see. So the end of September, I have an in person co Ed, intimacy and polarity intensive. This will be the fourth one and the last one that I'll do this year. They are incredible. They they it is, it is such an honor to be able to facilitate those things. They are very, very special. And if you want to actually get an embodied experience of what we've been talking about today in real practice and real deep, sacred, safe place to to receive these kinds of practices. It's a great place to go, if I say so myself, my menswear company, 13 pines were we're beginning a a path of training men in facilitation, and we have our program Fire Keeper starting in about a couple months, the middle of September, and that's a great place for men who are interested in actually developing leadership within men's work, which we didn't really get to talk about today. So so those are two great places, two great programs and and then my one on one work is, is the place that I you know, I have less and less space there, but I'll be opening up my my one on one and couples work containers in in September. So that's another great place. If you're wanting to get one on one, support for yourself or within your relationship, you and your partner. I love doing that. It's I love. You know, all these things are so we can talk about it very broadly, but it's very specific to each individual. Like, what's true for you might not be true for another man or another woman. And so I love, I love the nuance of it all, and I love supporting people

Jacob O'Neill: 54:36

in it. Bro, incredible. And I love the way that you weave the men's work, and then the couples work. And then, you know, the deeper into, like, intimate one on one, couples working again. Like, yeah, it sounds like you, you've got a good handle on it, bro. And if anyone wants to follow up any of those, all of those links will be down. I'll put them in the show notes. Hey, man. Like this feels like the beginning of, you know, some deeper conversation. So I just want to say thank you for making the time to speak to me, to share your beautiful medicine with our community, and man sending you loads of love and everyone that's listening. Go check Alan out over on Instagram, shoot him a message, share some of your takeaways with him from this podcast, and yeah, we'll see you next week for another episode of sex, love and everything in between. Bless up, beautiful humans. Big

Unknown: 55:24

Love. Peace.

Jacob O'Neill: 55:33

Yes, bro, thank you. Thank you.

Unknown: 55:37

Yeah, of course, man, you.