Ep 59: Fatherhood, Personal Growth and Designing your Life with Lino Hola

Jacob welcomes Lino Hola, head coach and Director of Men's Medicine, into the podcast today!

They dive into the heartwarming world of personal growth, love, and what it means to truly value family and relationships. They get real about their own paths to becoming better versions of themselves, shedding light on the power of opening up and being real. It's all about the magic that happens when you put service and genuine living at the forefront of everything you do. Jacob gets passionate about why family matters so much and how creating a life filled with purpose and connection is the ultimate goal.

They also riff of on:

• Jacob's on a mission to pour his heart into growing the men's medicine circle, creating a space where guys can really open up and support each other.
• Lino's looking ahead, focusing on making choices that are all about taking responsibility and aiming for those long-term wins.
• Jacob's committed to keeping the lines of communication open, especially when the going gets tough, standing by his community and offering a shoulder to lean on.
• Lino's taking time to face and work through past hurts, understanding that healing comes from acknowledging and processing those deep-seated emotions.
• When it comes to changes in family dynamics, especially after welcoming kids, Jacob's all about keeping the conversation real and transparent with his partner.
• Lino's toying with the idea of sharing the ups and downs of the men's medicine journey on a podcast, opening up about the lessons learned along the way.
• Jacob's embracing the profound duties of manhood and fatherhood, approaching each role with humility and a whole lot of love.

...and many, many more.

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⚡️More about Lino Hola:  

IG - @mens_medicine 

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Website: https://www.mensmedicine.work/ 

⚡️Let’s Stay Connected:  

IG: @the.meg.o @thejacoboneill @sexloveeverythinginbetween

⚡ Want more? Here are some of the offerings & courses you can join us in…

The Desire Date: A sexy date night experience for couples ready to re-ignite passion & deepen intimacy. ---> https://bit.ly/49r28Zt

Ignite Your Intimacy: A 4 week course for couples ready for a sexier, wilder, more ALIVE relationship… NOW! ---> https://bit.ly/3R0ihxU

⚡Join us for our Podcast Live Event!
Register here: --> https://www.meg-oneill.com/SEX-LOVE-EVERYTHINGINBETWEEN
Saturday 2nd March @ 5pm - 9pm |Mylky Space, Gold Coast

Jacob & Meg also coach individuals & couples. Reach out to them via Instagram for more information. 

Transcript

Unknown: 1:07

unwilling to build something always thinking that it is them, or it's too hard, right? Doesn't matter what you do. It's hard. The job that you hate is hard. Yep. Right. You know, the job that you love is hard. It doesn't matter what you do so you might as well choose what you want. And I think that that's possibly the thing that people fail to realize is you can actually design a life Hi, lovers, welcome to sex, love and everything in between the podcast. We are the O'Neill's. I'm Meg, and I'm here with my husband, Jacob. And

Jacob O'Neill: 1:49

the conversations we have here are real, raw, and very uncensored. They will change the way that you experience sex, intimacy and relationships for ever. We

Unknown: 2:01

are stoked you're here. Enjoy this episode.

Jacob O'Neill: 2:08

Yo, yo lovers, welcome. Welcome to another bro episode mag is out of the house. And I've got someone that I absolutely fucking adore sitting next to me today. Welcome to the show. Lino. Thank you, brother. Man, it's like, for me, it's so beautiful to have someone sitting here that I've witnessed since the start of my journey grow and grow and grow in, in a way that I'm constantly inspired by man in all areas of life. And the thing that I love about you most bro is your authenticity, like you are fucking you. And you don't let that you don't let that authenticity force anyone else to try and be like you as well, which is what I really, I feel like man, and this is just full honestly, like, you feel like the big brother that I've always wanted, you know, I feel like you've ever and like the way that you've loved me and supported me and championed me you know, we're in a Business Mastermind together. But even before that, man just the just the the few comments or, or even just the just the feeling that I get from you, bro is like you want me to win. You want me to have you want me to have all the things that I desire. And that isn't going to stop you from having all the things that you want and desire from your life, which is men in this modern world where competition is what drives a lot of men. And winning or getting one over another man can be the default, especially here in Australia. Man it's such a refreshing feeling to have from another man. So thank you, bro,

Unknown: 3:40

thank you brother things that I'm grateful to know that that's how you feel in my presence.

Jacob O'Neill: 3:49

I am I first met you I first came across you bro ages ago feels like maybe four years ago, which doesn't feel like that long, maybe it was four or five. I'm not too sure. But it was at a thing called Conscious leaders, which was a networking event. And this was when men's medicine was really starting to gain momentum. This is your, your, your business that you run. And I remember just being in complete, fucking, or I didn't want to go to this conscious leaders because I had a lot of comparison to people. And it was safe for me to stay at home and make up the stories about how I'm hardly done by and how I'm the best when I don't have to actually expose myself to other people. And what I took from meeting you and seeing you in that that place where I was like you were just a force of you were a force to be reckoned with. But it wasn't a force that needed power over others. It was a force that was in service to like, to every one it was it was it was a humble fucking service. And it really, really showed me where I was still wanting to be seen as the, the, the center of attention where I was still focusing on how can I make money rather than be of service. So man like that. That was such a moment of calibration for me to see you in service. And for me to like be like, Fuck, man, this is what it's about. This is not about the money. It's not about the fucking lights. It's not about the comments. It's about showing up and being of service. And that was a beautiful evening that I got to witness a man in his element.

Unknown: 5:19

Thank you. Bye. It was that was our first talk that night. And there was about 130 people there that night. And do you remember when you know considering my first talk, thinking about what are we going to do? How are we going to do this? Right? And I just said to my business partner at the time. I said we just got to tell our story. That's it. I told my story. He told his story. And we just shared a little bit of what we did and if you remember after we'd finished that I guys yeah and that holy that the women started belly. Right. And that was like nothing that had ever happened before. So all of the men were in the middle and the women were on the on the outside and Typical to a lot of these kinds of events, there was always going to be more women than what they were men, of course, right? So when that happened, and I sort of looked around, and they started dropping one by one, I was like, Whoa, this is we don't ever really realize the impact of what we're doing.

Jacob O'Neill: 6:28

Incredible man, I remember I gazed with an eye I don't know whether it was Maori or Islander, but he was a man of color, like a different culture to me. And he just brought me in for the homie. And dude, I was just like, Oh, I feel so I think for me, growing up physical touch with men and affection with men wasn't very, I didn't play footy. So I didn't have that kind of deep connection physically with men, I was always quite awkward. And when he just brought me in, and I felt that that connection, I was just like, Man, this is and then to feel the women honoring that women wanting to see men be vulnerable in a powerful way, in a strong way. I felt like that vulnerability isn't about losing, losing and being chaotic. It's about being able to feel what you're feeling, and, and stand in it. And that for me was like, it was a real defining moment in my journeyman because I was just getting started with my men's groups. And I was starting to do a few events here and there and yeah, man, I was just like, wow, this is I want more of this. Yeah, and here we are. He did here. Yeah.

Unknown: 7:33

Who? Yeah, that was five years ago. Yep. So he was 2019.

Jacob O'Neill: 7:37

A ZAN? Yeah, it's been a it's been a big journey. It's been a big journey. And the other thing that I just wanted to just to frame all this, you know, we're gonna have some great conversations today. The other thing that I love about you, man, is that you are in at its core, a family man. And I come from a small country town where my dad really even though he's, we disagree on a lot of things. One of the things that I'm really grateful for is his sense of community and family. And one of the short story just to lead us in, I think it's going to be great. As I remember, when we were setting up the skatepark back at we will, we'd organized and got some funding, we got these, these metal ramps, which weren't the best, but they were ours. And I remember one, another man went, who had a Sunday, went over to the takeout, and got himself a burger and came back, and sat down in front of his two sons and ate a hamburger for lunch. And his sons are sitting there with no food. And I remember my dad, seeing that and be like, but that's not how we do this. We don't if, if one of us eats, we all eat. And he's like, that's not how you do it. And like, I remember him just not making it, he didn't go out and make it make a scene, he just went and bought a whole heap of hot chips, came back, put it in the middle opened it up, and we all ate. And that to me, you know, that's not that wasn't men's work. But that was men's work, you know, that was a form of men's work, then I look back, I'm like, Oh, he was teaching me that. We, we if we're here working together, we also eat together, we do things together, we all get to experience, you know, the lows together, but we get to experience the highest together. And that really, really is what I love about you, man is like you, you care deeply and take responsibility for community and family, which at times could be to your own detriment, I'm sure there's times where you've probably given more than you should. But at the end of the day, that's a value that you're willing to uphold, above everything else, man. So I'd love to hear from you how that developed in you know, from your culture in your background, but also how that served you in building the formidable force that is man's medicine and the the beautiful people that would you know, that trust you to lead them

Unknown: 9:54

know when you as your thank you for that. And when you're sharing that story, you know, what's coming to my mind is the thoughts that are coming to me is that that's not what men do. As men, we take care of people. But these kids are not being taken care of. You know, and so when your dad did that, we don't do that because it's unfair or anything, it's doesn't matter who it is. As men when we see people that need help, what we do is we help them if you can help you help. Right, and for those that don't know, me or my story, I'm the third author, 12 kids that come from a very big family of six brothers, five sisters, two older brothers, five younger sisters, four younger brothers. I am the father of two my daughter is 17 She just finished high school. She is a videographer enthusiast. She has come on board as our videographer. She's been doing it for the last six months. And my son is three. My daughter is the oldest of about 36 grandchildren. To my parents. Well, my mom had two children before us. She's got 14 Kids, my dad had one child. So he's got 13 kids. My mom is the oldest of 13. My dad is the third oldest of like, 11 to my grandfather, and there's about 26 of them all love. So family is a big part of who I am. And sharing is just what I know. That's it, nothing's mine. It's always us. What's mine is yours, and what's yours is yours. And we don't really own anything. On top of that there's enough to go around. Right? There's never been a day where I've gone without food ever, ever. Every day, one of us went down to the shop, bought some bread, we bought bread and milk every single day, you know, imagine how much food kids go through a group in the three bedroom Housing Commission home till there was about 10 of us. Then we moved to 100 acre farm when I was in year seven, and my younger two brothers were born when we were out on the farm. So I guess, how do you feed 12? Kids? Well, I guess you take into a farm, and you grow your own food. Right? It gets a little bit expensive if you only buy from the shop. And so family values have been the way that I've grown up. It's all I know, it's the thing I know, that's not all I know, it's the thing I know the most is the thing that I value the most. And the way that I look at family values and why family is so important is when you finish working, what do you do? What do you want to do? After you've been to your men's events? Where do you want to go next?

Jacob O'Neill: 12:36

I can't wait to get home to go.

Unknown: 12:39

Back in the days before you did this. What was your profession before

Jacob O'Neill: 12:44

I was a salesperson?

Unknown: 12:45

And when you finished? What did you want to do? On the Kelheim? Everyone wants to go home? My my the story, the way that I look at it is if we don't take care of home, we're gonna go home to nobody, Ryan, and I believe that if my belief is that, if life was not made to be shared, then what's the point of all these other people? We live in a world of 8 billion people. Brian, that's a lot as finite as life is. It is still a long time. Yeah, that is a long time to spend by yourself. And something that I've been thinking about for the last 12 months is building. If we're not building something, then what are we building? Right? Like, what are you building in your life, as a man as a woman, whether you're building relationship, whether you're building a community, a business, right? If you're not building something, let's say you're in a relationship, and you've been in multiple relationships, but long term relationships. Now, you're 50, and you've been through half a dozen long term relationships. Right? What does life look like at the end of your life? I don't know if people ever ask themselves the question, what does it take to live old and gray with somebody?

Jacob O'Neill: 14:02

So many people tap out by the tribe,

Unknown: 14:05

right? Unwilling to build something always thinking that it is them? Or it's too hard, right? Doesn't matter what you do? It's hard. The job that you hate is hard. Yep. Right. You know, the job that you love is hard. It doesn't matter what you do. So you might as well choose what you want. And I think that that's possibly the thing that people fail to realize is you can actually design a life. There is no perfect family, there is no perfect relationship, there is no perfect circle of friends. But if you're willing, and we all know that we're willing to get into the trenches with somebody, right? And we're actually willing to come together to work on something to build on something. There's a great sense of fulfillment and achievement that comes out of that. So like my daughter, on the way here talking to one of my friends who's also one of my team, telling her I said I think I think my daughter might have made 1000 bucks last week. Right? That was her first week on the job with me. Ryan doing what she loves. She's a school Lea, that was her first week with us. She finished high school last year. Yeah, where today is, you know, we're at the beginning of the new year, like right now. And this has been her first job and doing what she actually loves. She got the pay from us. She had a few private jobs. She made more in that week than what she did in a month of working her normal casual job. Right? I cannot tell you the amount of joy that it brings me to see that my daughter from you know from birth to now is doing something that she loves and she's not doing a nine to five job that is sure she can learn a lot of skills there. But her passion isn't there yet, right?

Jacob O'Neill: 15:50

100% man do you do you know when you chose to start shooting, we've all got our story, right? And I love the fact that you have like you could not have family as one of your core values, right? And that's really shone through in the way that you lead and facilitate your flavor of men's work. Here's what I love about it. And it's why, you know, if anyone's looking to go and do, I'm like, you gotta go do a walk with Lena, if you're if you're, if you're struggling to feel the cape, you know, responsibility, and you want to step up, and you need to see, you know, go and be with a man that's got the family that's got the kids, it's got the things that I can't give you, you're gonna go walk with Lena, because he's gonna He's gonna drop some knowledge on you about that, that which you're stepping into. So was there a time where you, you know, what was the defining moment where you're like, I haven't designed my life, it's time for me to get designing on what I actually want, because I'm either choosing hardship that I don't enjoy, or I could use hardship that I do enjoy. Do you remember when that happened for you, bro, it was

Unknown: 16:49

around 2014. And I had I had a falling out with my daughter's mother earlier that year. And then that changed my world. You know that that breakdown that went between us, changed me. And I told myself, I never want to feel like that ever again. Yeah, right. So that changed me and I dedicated every weekend after that to my daughter, I removed him with some friends. And it turned out one of the friends that I lived with, he had like, he had three kids. But his partner didn't like it. So I couldn't work out why it was weird every time my daughter come over, and I started to realize, well, the solution is very easy. I actually need to move out. Yep, I'm like, I'm a father. Why do I have housemates? Right I'm just like, grow up Lena.

Jacob O'Neill: 17:37

Well, that's that's like you had to you had to probably look at me like you're a fucking father man. Yeah, you need to create the environment that's suitable for you to be the father. You want to be right. Rather than just playing it playing the easy game. cheaper to live with people. It's easier, easier, easier. Such an easy.

Unknown: 17:54

Go to for a lot of men. Brian, it's a trap. I,

Jacob O'Neill: 18:00

I talked to this. Yeah, I talked about you know, when you go from being the knight to the prince, I think tester paralysis that a lot of guys want to sleep in the barracks with their bros. Yes. And have sleepovers every day, every week in the share house. When it's actually when you choose to take ownership of your own domain, you have says that oh, man, I have to buy a couch, I have to be responsible for the you know what's in the fridge. I'm no longer being able to kind of lean on this, this type of brotherhood anymore because I'm I'm choosing to step up and create my own. So that would have been when

Unknown: 18:34

he was I guess, when you when you're talking about his ownership when you take full ownership of your life, not just paying your bills. Yeah, Ryan. So it was having to move out of that place. So I put the entity out there the intention out there to the universe, and I set the date. I'm like, by January 2015, I need to be in my own place. And within a couple of days or weeks, I was I sort of shared it with my, with a building manager. And then he told me this place was coming up and let's get out. Right. So I moved into this place by the end of January. And by the beginning of February, there was this strange thing that had happened. And I'm sitting there and I didn't have my daughter at like, two weeks into our new place. sitting in on my bed by myself in this apartment. And I was thinking to myself, Oh, well. I have to go find a life don't. Otherwise I become that parent that lives their life through their kids. Brian Oh, so that night I actually met my wife. Is that what you meant? That's when I met Sarah. Brian. You don't like about? infestation? No. So I went downstairs cuz I used to live upstairs shooters? Yeah. Ryan, I lived on the Strip. Right? Because a man of convenience. We talked about this prior to this ride. So I don't like I don't like the idea of being in a car for longer than what's justifiable, like an hour to drive to work in an hour to drive back and like that's No, no offense to anyone that does that I've been there. Right. I've sat in the car for three hours. Sometimes, if you're going from Brisbane to North Brisbane, but Sunshine Coast, like on a daily basis, you could be doing like a six hour commute. Yeah, I've done that. Right. And the intention as we grow is that we start to become a little bit smarter. So I just started to make the decision. Well, if I live closer to where I work, I don't even have to jump in the car. So I lived above shooters or went out one night with some friends. Here I am trying to find a life and I meet like this woman. I invite her to come over the next day. And prior to that I had made a fair few poor decisions when it came to partners. And I said to a friend of mine, we're doing cardio one morning, and I said What am I even looking for and I put out to the universe what I'm looking for. Right? I'm like, I'm just gonna say this is what I'm looking for God. I'm looking for someone who's kind who is who's not, has no substance use no alcohol, no smoking all of this. She doesn't have to come to church, but I don't need her to be anti Christ. Give him giving me crap because I go to church needs to get along my daughter, that's a deal breaker, I have to be able to take her home to my family. That's a deal breaker. Anyway, I met this girl, she comes over my house, we are talking because when I thought about it, I was like, I don't even know this girl. We live on the Gold Coast. I personally don't know this person. So I'm talking about a stranger. Yes. And I'm like, That person doesn't sound like they're from the city. So it's probably a country person,

Jacob O'Neill: 21:36

statue, all the things you say, I'm like this person, you need to get out west.

Unknown: 21:40

We're sitting on a chair, right? And I've made her dinner. And we're watching my cat face the balcony. We're looking over the full moon. And I said, Hey, where you from? And she goes, Oh, you wouldn't know. And I was like, just try me. And she said odd from a small country town in New South Wales. And I was like, and I was thinking to myself, God, I didn't ask, like, Did I ask for this woman? And I looked at it and remembered, I didn't ask for looks. Right. And she's a beautiful woman. Right. But what I asked was for values and qualities and characteristics. And one, one thing I did acknowledge in that moment was, well, you don't give back to the universe. And God what he's given you. Let's see where this goes. And as of next month, we've been married for seven years. Oh, right. Yes. So getting back to when you kind of you know, when you asked him, when did I know? What happened was she were dating for three months? I said, Look, it made more sense that she moved in. I said, but I'm not telling my daughter till we've been come back from Tonga. Yep, I wanted to go do dedicate and devote some time to my daughter's look, I owe that to her as a father to have these experiences, took her to Hawaii with Disney Land. We went to Thailand with my mom. And after all of that, I said, So daddy's that his friends actually his girlfriend? She's like, What do you mean that? Following that, around that time, people were saying, Why don't you say to her? Why does he never tag you? What does he never post about you? And in today's world, this is a typical thing that women might say, of course, right. So I said to her look, I think it's important to give people what they've earned and what they deserve. Right? I'm not hiding you. But I'm not looking to be in a relationship. And I'm not in a relationship. I'm not interested in anything temporary. So what I want you to know is that around the 12 month mark on that, I'll put up a post, Ryan, because I'm looking for something long term. When that time happened. I did that. And I said, How about let's celebrate it with the holiday ride. Anyway, she'd never been overseas before. It comes to January 2016. I'm sitting there and I'm writing my plans. And I plan to go spend Easter in Thailand and live the laptop lifestyle. As you do, yeah. So I'm making these plans and I'm thinking, what am I going to do with this relationship? She was hanging out the washing and I thought to myself, What if I could actually build a life with this woman? What if she can actually come with me? I do like her. I do get along with her. So bad. Come in. She said, Yeah, what's going on? I said, What do you think about? We think about marriage? She said, Yeah, I said, What do you think about kids? She's like, Yeah, so cool. Okay. And I made my plans.

Jacob O'Neill: 24:30

Right? Like, that's the fucking that's the masculine magic there, bro. You like you like you plant a few seeds you like get a bit of Intel, but you don't be like you don't just then give away the full the full plan. You're like, Okay, I've got the information. This is more data for me to keep moving forward in my life. That's fucking like

Unknown: 24:49

you are now part of my plans. Now, Brian, we're going to go because, you know, when we travel with people, especially partners, we get to know, like, whether we're compatible or not. Yeah, right. So we've celebrated the 12 months, I booked the flights to Thailand. We went over to Thailand. We had a great time. She was great to go with and I'm like, after my daughter's 10th birthday, I'm going to propose to this woman. Ryan, my daughter had a birthday we've been to a few weddings still great to go take her meet my friends. It's all working out well, and then I proposed to her after my daughter's 10th birthday. I guess that family value my my daughter deserve to celebrate a 10th birthday without the overshadowing of my engagement. Ryan as her father I wanted her to have

Jacob O'Neill: 25:38

that. That's awareness guys, if and I was listening, that's a that's a man who is aware of what he's responsible for. Like that is a man that is aware of what he is responsible for. He's not just thinking about what is best for him. He's thinking what's best for the family unit, the community and it's what I love about you, bro,

Unknown: 25:56

please. Okay, we're well after that are proposed. And six months later, we got married. Right? I'm like, at this point we all get to a point in our life where, like I was 32. At that time, we should do a couple of things. Yes, Brian, if we don't know a couple of things by that time, we're clearly not paying attention to anything. By him. We're just choosing to stay in that night. We're

Jacob O'Neill: 26:24

playing into it. It's ignorant. We're in denial a little bit, I believe. Yeah.

Unknown: 26:28

Right. And we're talking like, and I've been talking about this a lot lately, like you just live in in boy psychology. Right? You just want to hang out with the boys. And I'm like, Look, hanging out with the boys is really, really important. But unless you plan on marrying them and going to bed with those fellas, right, you should probably learn to go home. Yes,

Jacob O'Neill: 26:47

amen. I say this to say guys, and like, the boys. And there's, there's there's a, there is a we call them the boys. Because when we're around and we act like fuck boys, we're, quite often we know that quality is important. Right? Yeah. I would say that it becomes an a part of your life, not all of your life. So don't I you know, for me, I chose the relationship. And I over committed to the point where I lost my crew. Yes. And that was my biggest challenge. But I believe the same thing guys get stuck in boys psychology. And they never leave the barracks or or the share house to go and build. Like you said, like you went and you created your your kingdom, your grow it you know, this is what I'm going to start with. Yes. And it's my domain. Yes. And within, then I might actually write down or, you know, think about what I would love in a partner, you created the space for that to actually Well,

Unknown: 27:36

that's what the design the law sort of came from. All I did was I just wrote down, it was the beginning of the year. And the concept I had in my mind was a couple of things. It was like, if you want to know where you're going, you know, then you'll have some kind of an idea of those next 235 years of your life. And that if you want to know where you're going as a woman, ask him where he's going. Yes. So if I'm going to commit to this relationship with this woman, right, where am I taking her? And I can't take her anywhere where I don't know where I'm going either. So I'm just making this up where I go, I'm Laura. Okay, cool. Well, it's only 12 months of the year. I know how old I am this year on how old she is. I know that this year is 2016, which means next year, I'll be a year older and, and I ended up going projecting till I was 40. I just turned 40 last year. And then I actually projected 20 years. And I was like okay, this how old I'll be 20 years, my partner, my daughter, I was like, Oh, if we have kids, we kind of need to have kids like here. Oh, we actually don't have as much time. That's what I thought. I was like, oh, okay, and I write down a list of things that I wanted to do. And all I did was take them, then I put them where I wanted to do them. And when I looked over it last year, in December, we exceeded far beyond what I had written down. And I hear I say all the time, it's really hard to hit a goal that you haven't set, right?

Jacob O'Neill: 29:06

It's really hard to hit a goal that you haven't set yet. Fuck man. Right? So

Unknown: 29:11

I don't like when I look at this. Essentially, what I was looking at was my life. Look, this is all it is. No, no, this is my time. What do I want to do with my time, and the fact that we were able to raise the money and save the money from over that six months to propose to her have the engagement ring? Get married, go on a honeymoon. Right? The way that I set those goals out. I was like, it gave me such a great sense of belief that I hadn't had before. So if you're wondering where I'd learned how to design the life, it was from that time, you're

Jacob O'Neill: 29:49

such a this is it's fucking Simple, isn't it? It's your life.

Unknown: 29:55

What would you like to do that?

Jacob O'Neill: 29:56

But it's in there, like you just did it. Like you got to a point like I'm gonna choose, I'm going to make a choice. And this is what I see. And I think, you know, I'd love to hear your take on for me, like so many men are scared to sit down and be like, What do I want the next 20 years to look like? What do I want the next 12 months to look like? And for me, like a lot of guys that I I got caught up in the spiritual world a little bit too. And I got I caught this this bug as well, which was like, I'm just going to live in the moment. Yeah,

Unknown: 30:26

well, I never thought I was very wild as a young man. Yeah. And and I guess, coming from a big family. I feel like when the numbers get bigger, they were always going to be cracks. Yeah. Right. So in my culture, the oldest and especially if you're the males, you're always going to have the most responsibility. Yes. Right. So that and I don't know if you've ever seen the movie once were warriors. I haven't. No. That's what my home was like. Right? It's a

Jacob O'Neill: 30:57

pretty it's a pretty

Unknown: 30:59

violent, it's very violent run. Now many years on like things have definitely changed but growing up in the 90s in the US Ladies, that's what my upbringing was like, right? So my teenage years in my 20s was me just being reckless. And when I say reckless, I mean, like, horribly reckless. Right? And, you know, becoming who, who I am now and who I was at that time was the end result of me being exhausted of my own shit. Title myself, you get to a point where you realize you're the common denominator. I'm the I am the reason why everything has worked, but also why everything failed as well.

Jacob O'Neill: 31:44

It sounds like you weren't really focused on building. No,

Unknown: 31:47

I was building nothing. What but what I learned was, I could actually build things. But I also had a really horrible habit of distracting breaking things down to Yeah. Right. And I had this little concept of Alright, so you know, let's say you've had a big night before Ron. Yes. And you are a enthusiastic human? Yes. Right. When we are under the influence, do you ever find you

Jacob O'Neill: 32:13

have a lot of great ideas? Massively great ideas?

Unknown: 32:16

And do you ever notice how the week after they all disappear? Right, yeah. I had a thought. A concept for that was, what if I could hold on to those ideas? Is there a world is there a reality, where I could actually be really great is if all those ideas that I have when I'm under the influence? Right? If I could just have them and actually make them come to life? I probably actually need to let go of the substance and the big nights in the wild partying, I've got a gut feel I can make it happen. Without it. Turns out you can surprise right? And it turns out, you can actually build things, right. And normally, in your right mind. And I recently went to a festival and my mate said to me, bro, do you ever get you get tempted? And I just said, No, my normal life is far better without alcohol. I can have a celebratory drink. But after that, I start to notice how it disorientated me. Yes. Right. And that disorientation takes me out of my higher self. And that version of myself is like is a great guy. J Yes. But he's awesome, right? But the disorientated version of me is clouded. Right, he gets confused, right? And his vision gets blurry words get slurry, right? And all of a sudden, it starts to get carried away and it gets muddy. And I'm like, man, I've been here before. Although it didn't amount to anything it did. And then it did it. And it didn't it didn't. And I couldn't build a damn thing.

Jacob O'Neill: 34:03

Man, I have a, because I have a lot of guys that wrestle with coping mechanisms, one of them being alcohol. And, you know, I say, alcohol for me isn't bad. It's not good. It's not bad. It's alcohol. It's our relationship to it. Right? And we, you and I are big on the relationships, whether it's with family, with our goals with our what we put in our body. So I have this saying that I I live by with alcohol, which is I enjoy a drink. But I don't need to drink to enjoy myself. And just like you said, a celebratory drink I can. I'll have a beer in the fridge and it could sit there for three months. Yep. And then there'll be a night where I cook a really beautiful roast. And the music will be just right. Yep. And we've had one of those weeks where everything's gone beautifully and Megale. And I'll open a bottle of wine and maybe I'll have a glass of wine and I'll have I'll crack a beer and we'll eat a meal together. And I'll drink. I'll drink the beer. And it'll be a moment of celebration. And it will not I won't need it to get me anywhere. Yes. And that's my relationship now with alcohol. Yeah, we're in the past it was how many can I drink to get to the state that I need to to feel free? But at the cost of the thing that I've built?

Unknown: 35:14

Yes. Yep. And it's just sort of it just never stacks up. It

Jacob O'Neill: 35:18

doesn't matter. It doesn't never stacks up if you want to be responsible. If you want to be responsible for building something long term. I don't believe it. It stacks up at all. And for me, my 20s was start stop, start stop. Great idea. A little bit of momentum, and then self destruct.

Unknown: 35:36

Yep. And it just the amount of pain that it comes with and hurt and destruction. And that sort of comes with, you know, with allowing yourself to get carried away. I just I just can't see how it stacks up. Nothing good ever happened really after midnight? After 2am You know, and all I know is like the results like stand for themselves. You know, and I'm so much more integral without it. No when I have a celebratory drink with or it's my birthday. Whether it is a milestone, achievement, right? That one drink means it means so much to me, because I'm celebrating and it tastes so much better. But it's only that first drink. Yes. Anything after that one feels indulgent. Yeah, I'm not having because it means something to me. I'm just having it because I can well

Jacob O'Neill: 36:33

often think about this. I put it into our standard like trying to put it into perspective with myself around this. I'm like, okay, because alcohol was my kind of access to my distort distorted freedom. I could do anything on alcohol, talk to any woman. get cheeky. Do any man climb any tree do anything reckless, but I wasn't responsible. I was reckless. But then I asked myself, I was like, Would you drink 15 Gatorade? Yeah, would you drink? 15? And then would you drink 15 green smoothies in a night? I'm like, no, no. Why are you drinking? 15

Unknown: 37:06

that I need. And I was always the last man standing. Yeah, right. So it's like, I could just go for days. Yeah. Right. And I'm like, that's not a sense. That's not an achievement now, right. But we went I went to Queenstown about two years ago with a group of friends and like, I'd got about a half dozen drinks. And I'm like, I know exactly where this goes. Yeah, Ryan. So I haven't been I haven't had a big night out since 2018. Wow, that was the last time. And after that, like, I just I just let it be that and it's just life has progressed so much each year. There's no real place for it in my life. But when it happened, and I sort of shared it with my friends, and I just said, I'm gonna go home. Like at this point, I could just stay out all night. Yeah, right. And I'm like, it doesn't go anywhere. So I just was like, It's ice cream time. So it's time Yes, I'm off to the convenience store. I get the same ice cream every single time I get a dairy free Magnum ice cream. Magnum. Right, you know? Yeah. And then and then I'm like, I'll buy two, because I'll finish one before I've walked out the door. I need the other one to take care of me in the car home. Yep. Yeah, so it just a same thing on my birthday. Like I thought I actually reserved I'm gonna have a big night. I ended up like, two drinks in I'm like, What do you reckon about pizza? We jumped on a lime bike, or ordered a pizza. And then got home in time for the pizza to be there. And I just think life itself that the Hi, Ryan, my son, my daughter, my wife, our life. Progress,

Jacob O'Neill: 38:54

man. And it sounds like your priorities have changed, right? It's like alcohol is no longer the thing is like I actually want to feel I enjoy it that makes it so funny. You say that because I'll buy that to ice cream thing. I always like to ask him things like why are you buying it? I'm like, You don't understand one's gone before we're back in the car like made the second one if

Unknown: 39:12

you're in the car thinking to yourself, I really should have gotten

Jacob O'Neill: 39:16

definitely that like that choice that you made man is like the Hey guys, I'm gonna go home to ice cream time. I'm done. Like that is a shifting like that's a shift like that's it. I'm, I'm no longer going to do what I've done. Because it's not going to take me to where I want to go.

Unknown: 39:31

For me. That's that's the mistake the magician run. That's yeah, that's the part of you, that is helping support you to make better decisions.

Jacob O'Neill: 39:41

I can see where you want to go. And I've got the answer. There it is. Yeah. And then it's your, your free will to choose that. That's right. It's such a man like for me that's I feel so many men could value like if they actually act like if they had the ability to listen to that inner mystic that was trying to show them what's behind the veil. Hey, man, if you if you choose this, let's look what's on the other side. Yeah, you know, I, I'm I'm I'm definitely in that camp of like, oh, man, like, I'm, I'm looking at the next 10 years of my life. You know, I got married a year and a bit ago, I wanted to become a father, I look to you and a couple of other really powerful men in the industry that I'm in and I'm like, Wow, you guys are doing it like you're doing. And what I hear is like you have made a decision to prioritize the responsibility of family of business and anything that isn't serving that and the longevity of that. Yeah, you know, I know a lot of men that can plant seeds, but they don't know how to water a garden. Yep. And unfortunately, I've seen some family members do this. I've seen close friends do this where they get it they fall into responsibility before they've chosen it. And they reject it. They resent it and it leads to them choosing the safe job because they have to choosing the the the alcohol because they can't find freedom in other ways. And man like yeah, just that idea of making that decision. Asian and then finding ways to cultivate, cultivate the connection without the mechanism of alcohol. I saw that you and Sarah went to a festival the other day. Yes. What did it feel like to go and have a fucking ball with your wife at a festival listening to music that you love without needing anything? Well,

Unknown: 41:26

it's been 12 years since I've been to a music festival. So for me it was, it was liberating in the sense that, you know, there was no drugs there was no alcohol. Yeah, we had one we should we stopped so he jumped on the line. But understanding that the cue from Main Beach down to the spirit is going to be long. It's gonna be a long walk, and he's extremely hot. So what we're going to do is when it's mine box, I'm going to ride the hallway down. You know, beachside, we'll stop, we'll get a martini. Yeah. And then we'll keep going that way. We're in that festive sort of, you know, mode. Yeah, we'll, we'll get matching shoes. But really, this isn't the first time my wife and I've been to a festival. And let me also just like, say, my wife and I, we've never been drunk together. Brian, so she has been a big influence in my life, in the sense of, she's never taken a drug she's never had. She's never, we've never been drunk together. And she's never had a cigarette in her life. Wow. So she was a big influencing factor on why I would make some smarter decisions with my life. And I married her to be with her not to be without her.

Jacob O'Neill: 42:34

And so many men that, that they fuck and realize that

Unknown: 42:41

in like, what happened, there's one thing happened one time we went to a wedding. Those kick on after someone said to me, when Sarah and I said, and I looked around, and she was like, in the corner. And she was just like to announce, right? So it's a little bit sleeping, like, it's probably time to go home. We're at a housewarming, a couple months later, it's what asleep in the spare room? And I'm like, Who am I gonna choose to be? And why is this what our lives going to be where I'm having a wild time, and my wife is like, waiting for me to stop. And I'm like, you know, and that's I'm talking about, you know, right now. That's what my childhood was like, with my father. Because my mother, I've never seen my mother drink ever, ever, ever in my life, right? So I was grateful that I was able to have enough awareness. I'm like, okay, you know, what, the days are numbered? Right? And I'll tell you, I remember telling my best friend at that time, at a bucks party. And I said, You know what, bro, this is probably our last hurrah, hey, and he goes, what you found God. And I was like, Brian, I grew up going to church, Ryan, I said, but I've got things that I want to do in my life, right that don't, that aren't associated with any of this sort of stuff. And I'll be out of integrity. And I'd be a hypocrite, right to go to a whole bunch of things and not let go of this life. Right. And I've shared this a couple of times in the sense that when I told them how I know, they're my friends, my real friends is because we still have a friendship to these days. But they don't ask me to come out anymore. So when we went to that festival, it was so many things that have been overcome. 12 years later, I was comfortable to go to this festival. You know, it's the first festival ever been with my wife, she deserves to be able to have this first time experience. So we go, I bought them those tickets for her birthday, along with a whole bunch of other things. And we've gone there, and I've been to a festival so long, for so long. So I'm standing there. And we're standing like in the GA, and what I'd forgotten was, I'm not used to GA, I'm used to like being part of the crew or in the VIP or being right up the front. And I'm standing there and I'm like watching Bone Thugs and harmony. And I'm like, this is nice. And I'm thinking to myself, I don't know how long I'm gonna last year. I'm like, I think I'm gonna be lucky last two hours. And I said, let's get get some water. So we got to get some water. I see my cousin. He is running like the security of the place. Right? And I said, Look, can I get an upgrade? And he was weird. He's gonna conversation anyway, later on, I run into another friend. And I get it gets taken care of. Yeah, right. So we get to so my wife gets to get to have that experience. Yeah. Right. And we get up and I'm like, I want to make sure she gets the full experience I've got on my shoulders now. Part of the full festival. Yeah. And we're up at the front. People are finding us because they can see us that I saw Sarah up on the TV. Right and she's up there and we're seeing all her favorite artists, all the rest of it, but we completely sober with dancing. We're having a great time. All the rest of that. And a lesson I actually took away from that that day was the lesson of understanding to let go of good to get the great because I get home and I'll put up the post. We had a great time. I get a message from my friend you left. Now he's he can't walk up was a workshop of mine many, many years ago. Brian, any and I said, yeah, sorry, bro, my sober buddy. You know when we feel like we've disappointed someone? Yep. And I could feel that coming. And I was just like, What do I tell him? Right? And I'm pretty sure he's one of the agents too many of these artists is actually my Tyson's agent. Wow. Yeah, Brian. Anyway, we've built a friendship over the last couple of years. Yeah. Ryan? No, he said, bro, I would have got you backstage with me. And what the penny dropped in that moment. Like I said before, I've had the ability to build things, but break them down. I also realized in that moment, there are always opportunities coming my way. Here I am being super, super grateful to get VIP to be there in the VIP section, giving my wife this experience that was grateful that she she absolutely loves. But I completely forgot, right? That I always have more opportunity, right. And this opportunity of actually being able to be there, meet artists be backstage, all the rest of that. And here I am thinking that I'm trying to get out of the heat way up front stage back, front, back, front, back, super, super hot. Probably be going through a bit of a heatwave could have been at the back with the icon. Right. And I'm just like, this happens all the time. You know, they were always great opportunities that come your way, if you could only just pause for a moment, just for a moment, to have an awareness of what's also available. Ryan, I was just grateful with that. And I'm glad that she had a great time. And I had a great time. But that was a lesson I took away from it. And I'm like, Okay, well, next time, I'll be aware of these these things. Yeah,

Jacob O'Neill: 47:58

man. But beyond that, we

Unknown: 47:59

had a great time. I

Jacob O'Neill: 48:00

love it. It's like, you wouldn't have had that awareness of like, Oh, you have to go and do these things. Like if you had to say, oh, no, I don't go to festivals anymore. Yeah, you wouldn't have had the awareness like, oh, there's our next time when we do go, we gotta wait. You know, I know these people I can I can build these. I can open myself to these opportunities and choose them. But I just love that because I remember when I started to, you know, ease off I definitely didn't stop. But I eased off drinking. And I'd go to some of these experiences. And I would I'm a dancer like I love to dance. I love music that music is a big thing for me. And I remember dancing one night we went to a whole festival in in Newcastle. I remember it was called but we went to it. And then afterwards, we went out and I just danced and I danced like I was on. I was on drugs. People were like, you're fucked. And I was I was driving. Yes. So I literally I danced for like four hours straight to this DJ that was just playing music. I don't even remember what the music was. But we were just dancing, having a bowl with the crew. And then I drove home.

Unknown: 49:01

Yeah. People don't realize this is accessible to I,

Jacob O'Neill: 49:06

you know, I and then through like a lot of the spiritual stuff and like an ecstatic dance. Yes. Now Meg and I rather than you know, and I've never, I've never been drunk with Meg either. You know, I've been drunk. But Megan, I haven't been drunk together. I've definitely, you know, made some silly decisions and gotten a little too loose for my own good. And learn through that. But, you know, now for us, we will go to an ecstatic dance and we'll dance for three or four hours. And then what time is it? It's ice cream time back to be peachy. Again, a couple of ice creams, coconut water. And then what happens? Everyone else comes in and the kick ons is organic ice cream. Yeah, coconut water and having a laugh with our friends, man conversations and conversations. And then before we know it, the plans to go surfing the next morning. And we're all you know, we've built this culture of activities that don't require us to lose ourselves. Yep. And that only became available because I did end up making a choice. I was like, You know what, alcohol doesn't serve me. I'm not gonna I'm no longer continuing to choose alcohol as a determining factor in my happiness.

Unknown: 50:08

That was a that was a takeaway from that festival that I that I took was if you actually keep the toxins out of your body, you could do anything. You could do absolutely any day. I woke up the next morning, feeling so grateful for that night. Because we were in bed with our kids and showered by nine o'clock that night. Yes. Ryan goals wake up in the morning and I just felt so much energy with inside of me. I wanted to run. So I just put my shoes my joggers on, and I went for a 6k run in the morning. And I was just like, man, you just did something you've never done before you went to a festival, not under the influence. And you had a phenomenal time. Right? I'm like this is accessible to you in your life you can enjoy like unlimited amounts of experiences. If you take care of your body. If I take care of my body, the the amount that I can experience in life is completely Unlimited.

Jacob O'Neill: 51:08

Oh, bro, I love it, I want to sort of segue into this idea of, because it's like you've had to make some serious decisions like black and white decisions, I'm a yes to this, which means I'm a no to that. And to me that's, that is a masculine trait that is a healthy masculine trait, which is to take out the gray, and put put the put things into a structure of the army yes to this, I'm a note of this. And that, to me is missing in a lot of men's lives because they are saturated by choice, and convenience, and all of these things. But I want to sort of shifted into the concept around brotherhood and what it's like to actually know when a relationship is no longer serving your path or their path. And I know you know, you've had this experience with with one of your brothers that you were running men's medicine with, I've had this experience with my bro. He's, you know, we spoke about this Jackie brazier we ran a men's group every Saturday, and I started running retreats. And I he and I ran them together. And due to a you know, not him being bad, me being good due to the fact that we had a different invalid different sense of values. And I wanted to create it in this way. And he wasn't he didn't want to and he didn't want it as much as I did. I had to sit down and say listen, bro, I'm taking this on. And we're we're no longer doing this together. Yeah. And we had to separate and it was, it felt like a breakup man, like I was nervous, I was sweating. Before I had the conversation, he was really anxious as well. And we were really worried about what it was going to mean. And because we both had some form of like, anxious attachment to the to the relationship, we'd built a bit of an identity, it was like we do this together. It was really hard for me to do that. And I know a couple of other prominent movements where guys have had to go through this as well. But for you, man, like having to make that decision. What was that like for you? And how was that I guess, played out in in different areas of your life.

Unknown: 53:05

You know, I think coming from a big family, that one of the things that I've learned is sometimes in life, things don't work out, especially separating from my daughter's mother. Sometimes we were engaged. And you know, that didn't work out. So when this breakdown happened, and I guess that having that sense of knowing of who I am, like, definitely helped me at that time, but keep 100 Men, like it was a traumatic experience for me. And I've never said that actually on the podcast before. Right? It was a deeply traumatic experience to me, and I breathed every day for three months straight, to help process all of those emotions around that, you know, and I had a small handful of people that were supportive of me, you know, through that time. And, you know, you think about the enormity of what it was, and I spoke to you before this, you know, my we've rebuilt our relationship over that time and time has allowed us to heal. And that the last time I ran into him, you know, he expressed to me maybe we should jump on a podcast, Ryan and share our story because it was the the skyrocketing of men's medicine at that time. Like there was no one doing anything at that time. No, no one was doing in that time. And I didn't do it because I'm like, Oh, we want to do, you know, create this thing for men's mental health or whatever it was right at the time. Like I was predominantly coaching women. And I was coaching online as well. And what happened was, I had this thought I shared it with him, I shared it with with one of my clients as well. And she was she's also you know, was in the space as well. And because I shared it with him, that was like we that's where it sort of was birthed from. Right. And I shared with him what my thoughts were over the months. Eventually, we created it. And we did this one walk and that video went viral. It had like over 100,000 views within 24 hours. It was a powerful video, man. Yeah. And still to this day, it's still that that video, right? And I guess what people were looking at was they were looking at very masculine men, very masculine men, that were being vulnerable. And as we went into the beginning of that, what I said to him was better if you were gonna get you to prime them for that warrior energy, you know, with the haka, and then I'm gonna show them the primal scream, and then they will get in the water and they'll do it themselves. Right. That's what was captured was four minutes of video that was captured by brother Jay Godfrey from impact media. He is yeah, you know, he is a master behind the lens. And he captured turn that four minutes of footage into a one minute video and the thing went viral. People were like, can you walk with us in our city? So that's what we did. You know, we traveled through Sydney, Melbourne over to New Zealand as well. We went to his hometown went to, you know, three cities in New Zealand and we built this community These bases in all of these cities, and we call them core groups, so anyone that wanted to connect with us could connect with the core group that was in that city. So we've called 1000s of people now, right, that are part of this community. And within 24 hours, it comes crumbling down. Right? There's one video that goes on, was just like this domino effect, you know, he had shared that it was, you know, and I'm not sharing anything that's, that's hidden. You know, he expressed that he was, it was no longer for him. And, and then just like, one by one, by, comes crumbling down, falling apart, and I'm watching this, but I'm up at the Sunshine Coast with my mum and my dad. And, you know, I remember, like, I feel ill, you know, like, in my physiology, right now, I'm walking my son with my mother. And she's going, Son, what's going on? And I sort of told her, and, you know, and it just was just comforting to be with my mother at that time. And I just watched everything fall down. And it was literally left her with, like, pretty much to us. Right, me and my housemate right, was actually for, right. And so we had two other brothers that, you know, chose to align with us. But we're talking about, like, 1000s of people across two different countries, multiple cities crumbled down to essentially four people. Right? So we had to rebuild again. So it was an extremely, I still hadn't, you know, forgotten who I was, right? I'm just like, I know who I am. I'm not confused by that. Right. So I had to navigate myself through that. And, you know, never once did I ever get on, and, you know, judge or abuse him, you know about it all? You know, my understanding around it all was local, we are two different people. Right? And I'm like, How can I judge him for not being like me? I can't, right. And I don't desire for him to do the same towards me either. Right? I don't want anyone to be like that towards me. So I'm not going to be like that towards anyone else. So what's been the next three months, breathing every single morning, processing those emotions that came to me every single day, because I still had a community of people that still wanted to be part of it. Right? Like, I still have to show up, right? I still want to show up. I still choose this. But notice, for me, I still choose to be a stem for the people. I still choose to be who I am in my family. But I'm not confused about what I see and what I feel and what I envision. Ryan, it is going to be a hard road back. And I was fried. But I still chose that road. And over time. Bit by bit, we'd kind of we've kind of ran into each other, you know, because our daughters went to school together. Right now they've finished high school. And he's built his movement as well. And my experience of our interactions is each year, you know, that we're actually interacting better. You know, and I, the last time I ran into him, I was walking down the street and I could see him from afar. And it was like us from a movie, because it was golden hour and the sun was shining down. And he's a six foot three man about 110 kilos. And the light was shining on him, right? And he has this big, joyful smile, right? He just always does, right? A very photogenic man. He's a good looking man. And he's walking towards me. So I guess like, maybe this is for me, with my wife and my son. And we made and we connect and we hug and it was just like any we had that conversation. You know, and as I'm sharing and we're before and I said I could feel this in my physiology. As I'm sharing this moment right now. I can feel the settling of my physiology. Brian, I don't know if people are willing, willing to allow time to heal. Tom has been a healer for us, which has been really great because we always know, you know, like when we just click it with people. That's just the nature of you know, him who Him and I are, as well as you know, my last business partner as well, who was my housemate, bro, we just have these relationships. So I'm grateful to be able to be in that energy in that space with him again. But if you want to know what it was, for me, it's what everything I've shared. It was a very challenging, very traumatic experience for me. I'm grateful that I was able to navigate my way through it. I've definitely had people that have gone through what we're talking about right now. asked me for advice about how to navigate their way through it. Never gone on and slanted online. Social media isn't where you air your laundry. Right up brother's or ride, where you can unpack and process and we lean on each other to be able to support us to shine a light Ryan on what there is to learn from this, we don't get into mob mentality and all of a sudden get our pitchforks out and go, you know, eff them and all the rest of that sort of stuff. Yeah, man. That is not what we do.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:01:20

Not at all, man. And, you know, that's, that's the beauty of responsibility. And what it teaches you is that you, you don't project your your pain or you don't find you don't go back to the old ways. You know, you've got your practices, you've got your breath, you've got your brothers that understand the vision, they understand the goals, and they hold you to that. And then anything that's, you know, in the way of that they'll support you in addressing and that's been the biggest, biggest lesson for me is the right people, the right practices, and the right connection to spirit or God to be able to say, Listen, I don't know how this is going to work out, but I'm willing, I'm willing to trust and have faith. And that's it. And like you said, time, if you give something time, it will heal. I am I sat down after my cousin's wedding with my grandfather and who I haven't had the best relationship with. But I'm learning to be better at asking questions. Like if I want a better relationship, maybe it's about me leaning in and bit more, you know, maybe I have to do some work isn't about him coming and giving me everything that I just want in my head. He's not a mind reader. But he sat down and he just shared some of his regrets around like not having a great relationship with my mother is like a wish wish. He's like, I wish it could have been another way because hate takes a long time to heal. Sometimes it takes too long. And what I heard in your share them was that you didn't let hate overcome you. You said yes. It was challenging. Yes, it was traumatic, but was almost like you're willing to feel what was beneath the hate, which was grief.

Unknown: 1:02:51

Yeah, it was there was a point and and I just want to also mentioned, you know, some of the brothers that did help me support that did help support me at that time was Luke hacker. Yeah, he became my business partner after that. And he's gone on to, you know, bigger and better things for himself now. Yeah. You know, and he's been living a very successful life now. Brother. Ah, yeah. In the Archie, Jared Grantham.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:03:17

Oh, yeah,

Unknown: 1:03:18

right on, right. That he helped me immensely, Ryan. And there was definitely a time we were in a container. And no, I actually access that grief, Brian. And it was the first time I actually allowed I had the space and took the time and had the awareness to process the grief around the relationship breakdown between wire and I write, and what I experienced was, there was joy on the other side of my grandma. Whoa. I didn't know that Ryan. I couldn't have experienced that joy without accessing and feeling that grief. But I didn't even know that that's what was needed. I didn't even know that that's what you could experience from feeling grief. And the grief wasn't negative. Brian, it was an allowing. And as I allowed, right, I got to experience all the sadness, all the hurt, you know, that came with that and let go, that breakdown. Because it definitely felt like a relationship. Right. You know, and we were so deep when I ran into him the other week, he said, I said, you know, we it was only six months we were together. He goes what? And I said, I understand it might have felt really good, but I thought it was like two, three years. I said no, we fit so much life into that six months, and we did things that most people wouldn't have done. When they when we walked in New Zealand. I did the recon, I drew from Wellington, up to Hawke's Bay, did that walk drove to Hamilton. After that drift drift to Auckland, someone met me there. Then we came from them and back to Hamilton. They flew in, they had landed at like one in the morning, we were actually started walking or driving off at three so that it stayed up. Right. So we would we would operate off maybe like two hours sleep.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:05:09

You would have been awakened you would have been feeling more alive than ever man would have been one of the things solid life so

Unknown: 1:05:15

like all the time,

Jacob O'Neill: 1:05:16

dude, I love it. One of the guys that I really love learn a lot from his name's Michael Gurion. He runs the green Institute in America. He's an old school dude. And he I read a book called The wonder of boys. And one of the core needs one of the core desires of young boys is an adventure and a best friend to have it with. Yep, that's what it was. And that's what it sounds like you got your own adventure with your best friend. And then when the adventure is finished, and you both had to go home, the breakup happened. It's your grieving one of the one of the core fucking desires. And I'm sure if anyone's listening, has anyone ever had a sleepover or been on a school excursion or been on camp? And you don't want to go home? There's a point of like, I want this to last forever. So

Unknown: 1:05:58

that's what we would do. Right? We would also sleep like in the same place we'd have the mattresses out. Yep. Like we wouldn't sleep in rooms now. Right? And then even when we would travel a lot of the time, they would actually give me a room because I lead all the walk. Yeah. Right. So they just like to make sure they would call me. You know, in Mali, you know, today our language, they would say, greet Koro. Like, that's Grandfather, I would call me. Right, because I gotta give them the like a good sleep, right? So I would just go off and I would like, go asleep, but we would all sleep on the floor together. Yeah. You know. And because no one was doing what we were doing at the time. We were, there was no blueprint. No, Ryan making it up. I'm just the coach who's leading what we're doing. And we're just all in this together. Yeah. But so, you know, at the time, like sacred sons were starting at the same time.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:06:54

I'd come across them around the same time like men's medicine, sacred sounds. I'm like, I need to get Yeah, I remember feeling so I can fuck I want to do some more stuff of this. And I was Yes, still on my journey. But you guys were popping at the same time? They Yeah,

Unknown: 1:07:06

it was like, because no one was sort of doing it. The amount of energy that was coming not only towards us, but also with inside of us. Right? Like, every day, there was plenty of times where the boys had to turn their socials off. Because it was just every single day messages every single day, turn the WhatsApp group off because every single day messages, and I'm sure you can understand what I'm talking about. But it was like a wildfire. So I guess I'm also of the belief Speed Kills. We were moving at such a rapid rate, the speed wobbles were eventually going to kick in. Yep, it was inevitable that it was going to break down. Yeah, Ryan. And what I've learned since then, is the importance of structure. Frameworks, foundations, models, models. Yes. We all know that model's brother Cody, and you know, the importance of having this stuff, especially as a man if you want to build, right and if you want longevity, these things have to be part of what you're putting together.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:08:10

Yes. 100% Man, you're so right. And that's part of the, you know, the what I what I feel bonds you and I is that we're like, let's go on the adventure. Let's figure it out. You know,

Unknown: 1:08:22

I think the adventure is so super important for for men to help keep us youthful. Yeah, right to help keep us alive, feeling like we're alive. Because the truth is, I believe that men will never stop working. That will always work. Yeah, Ryan. And if your man is unwilling to work, well, unfortunately, what you've got is actually a boy. Correct? Right. He might be in a man's body, but he's thinking like a boy. Correct, right? Because boys are the only ones that don't want to get their hands dirty.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:08:52

That's him. And I just want to play in the sandpit or they want to build Lego and do all the things that don't require any kind of responsibility, responsibility or skin in the game, man. And that's what I love about you, as you, you know, it's so easy to get wrapped up in the spiritual aspect of personal development and push away all of those normal world things like the word work. Yes, the word responsibility. It's like no, I'm here to be a sovereign being. But what's the point of being, you know, sovereign and whole and then not connecting with others? Like you said it so beautifully. I'm here to be with her. Not without her I remember exactly what you said. But that landed for me because I'm like, people you know, I put a post up around open relating and, and monogamy and I'm an I'm monogamous? Yes. I'm in a sacred union with a woman that I will choose over anyone else, because you want to build something with her because I want to create my kingdom. Yeah. And, and I want to, I want to just reflect back to you what you said about Sarah's, like, you chose a woman, that, that, in my eyes is similar to what I've experienced with Megan's like this woman can grow with me, and helped me actualize the potential that I know I'm capable of accessing. And that is such a lot of men will look for the easy woman or the pretty woman or the woman that's going to give them a quick hit, instead of looking, you know, at what are the qualities, values and traits that are going to allow me to create more value in the world, and also give and receive in a way that I've never ever experienced before?

Unknown: 1:10:25

And like, you know, don't get me wrong, like we've definitely had, you know, like our moments of challenges. As great as our relationship is because life will bring you those challenges. Marriage after we got married, I made sure we moved into a different house. And like, I don't want to come back home to the same energy. We need new energy. Yeah. When we had a child. You know, I'm sure a lot of parents can resonate, that, especially men, that once you've had a kid, many things change, Brian, so I had to have a conversation with my wife, one that I didn't want to have about when our sex life started changing. Yes, I'm sorry, man. So there was a time we started making love again about six weeks after our son. And then about a month later it stopped, right? And then what happened was I was like, You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to turn with him, right? And I'm going to transmute that energy up and turn it into something else. Yeah, Ryan, and I'll use it for creativity and the rest of the but what I started to notice was it was actually starting to create a gap between us. Because what she was doing is being mom, she's got a child on her boob, you know, all day, every day, and the kid just would never stop eating. He still doesn't, right. And I'm like, she's like, barely awake. Because she's feeding day and night. And I'm like, if I just keep on take care of myself, I don't think she's actually going to know. She's not going to know that this is actually creating a gap. I'm

Jacob O'Neill: 1:11:55

like, I think I have to tell her, you have to take responsibility, right? Yeah,

Unknown: 1:11:59

I think I have to tell her what's going on. Right. And I was like, this is where the pivotal moment was, I was on the edge of my bed, because it was also co sleeping with us. And I felt these feet. And I'm like, I slept on the edge. And I felt these feet pushed me in the back. It was his feet. And I'm like, the next step for me is the couch. And I'm like, I either say something, or move to the couch and I become resentful. And on my car, man, do I really have to say something I'm like, but if you don't, I told her. And she had no idea why? Because she's focusing on feeding the child. Right? That also highlighted a few other things, that I'm always the initiator. Right. So now that we've come across this predicament, it was time for her to initiate. But this hadn't happened before yet. So I'm just sitting back. And I'm just like, feels like we're teenagers waiting for something to happen to thread the right part, like these difficult conversations, like they're so necessary. And if you really want to actually share a life with somebody, you know, we have to be willing to have these conversations, we want someone who's going to reflect things back to us that we will have the courage to lean into. Yes,

Jacob O'Neill: 1:13:15

I think that's one of the biggest things I see men walk out or shy away from in their relationship is they'll know something needs to change. They'll know the conversation they need to have, but because they're scared of what of the conflict, or they're scared of what's out there, of hurting their partner or making their partner feel wrong, that they won't actually have that they'll go and lay on the couch. They'll get resentful to the point where they'll then choose a coping mechanism like porn, or something else, you know, they'll they'll sit there on Instagram, and they'll scroll through women in bikinis. It's not porn. So it's okay. Right? Yes, zooming in. And those still choose ways to take the edge off, which then only exacerbates the separation. And the it especially with a baby, the woman is going to be focused on nurture, right? Yeah. And if you want to be responsible for the quality of your relationship, that is the masculine role, because you're holding the field of awareness. You're, you're conscious of what's going on. And that's that's your responsibility to then bring it to your partner in a loving way. Hey, you know, we need to create some space for for some love and we need to create the space for for lovers the role of lover because being parents with you is fucking awesome. Yes, growing business and growing slothful, he was fucking awesome. But I also want to take all of that off, and focus on just you and I hearts connected, and and experiencing intimacy. And it's not that at the end of day, it's not about I say this to guys, I'm like, it's not just about rubbing genitals together. It's not about the physical, just the physical. That's great. I enjoy sex myself, Megan, I have, yeah, we we love that aspect of our life, but it's about the connection.

Unknown: 1:14:53

And I think, you know, a lot of men, especially fathers, and I guess I'm gonna really talk to fathers later, is that, you know, that this is probably going to fall, this responsibility is going to fall upon us more more often than not, right, because mothers are focusing on the children. Yes, Ryan? So if they're focusing on the children, and I guess it doesn't, you we have to be aware of the children. Yes, but it doesn't need both of us to focus on children the whole time. Now, we're just helicopter parents yet, right? The kids don't have the space need to moms. Now we don't. Right. And also like with micromanaging, but it's there's nothing effective about that whatsoever, as well. And in my experience, most like we have different roles. So most kids are generally connected to their moms. Right. So as you're trying to come in and try and be a parent as well. It's that's not teamwork. Right? So if mom's always focusing on on the kids, and you you will generally have awareness before mom will run, that hard conversation generally will fall upon you. It is what it is, but you can cry about it. You can be frustrated by it. Allow the frustration to happen. That's not the problem. Yeah, Brian Oh, then I guess like the amount of times that the conversation will happen, you know, majority of the time it will be you. And I guess hopefully, you know, our partners, get the awareness that every now and then it will be them.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:16:19

Yes. Build a culture in your relationship of having hard conversations, your partner is going to feel safe to bring one to you. If you feel that if you choose that building run responsibility. I am I found that having solid a solid inner circle of men around me that I could air some of this stuff with rather than resenting it like, you know, fuck man makes Meg and I are in this position, fuck man struggling Fuck this, this this. And the gospel that well, what are you? What are you? What are you? What are you going to do about it? What's What? What act of courage? Are you going to show? Like, you're right? You're right, you know, I had a huge one come up, sitting in the car with the mains, like, when are you? When are you gonna have the conversation? Like out of the blue? She's like, I feel like you need to have that conversation. I'm like, You're fucking right. Need to have that conversation. And it was one of the biggest conversations Megan I had, prior to our wedding, and it was a big sort of big one of those make or break conversations, you know, when that happens, and you're like, Fuck, this needs to arms, I'm scared to have it. So I was obviously gonna, it could go either way. And when I finally opened up and had that conversation, what it allowed, what level of understanding and compassion and love came from that. It showed me that our relationship can handle anything. And this thing that I'm building with her, is what I'm here to build for the rest of my life. And it showed me why. Or show me the power of like, we can use sacred union to show me the power of choosing someone and giving all of you to that someone. And I think that man, like the way that you show up, I'm always inspired by the way that you show up. And, and, and you don't shy away from any part of the responsibility that comes with being a fucking man. This is this is our life, right? This is our life, it doesn't have to be confusing if we choose it. When

Unknown: 1:18:07

you said before about, you know, choosing all of her, you know, reminded me of you know, prior to my relationship with Sarah was, you know, my energy was with my partner, but it was also elsewhere as well. And I asked myself the question, what would it look like if I just gave one person all of my attention, all of my energy? And I thought to myself, probably be awesome. Guess what? Turns out, it's awesome. Right? Because we're building something. And I think that people don't realize that this is what's available to you. You can build something with people and as you were sharing right then I could feel the passion with inside of you. It's just like, man, with inside of you got this this far. I love that woman. When we build something for people to such a high level of fulfillment, that we get out of that sense of achievement, Ryan? Yeah, I just, it's worth the effort. Like it just really is.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:19:09

I am. This is a this is such a random set aside side note, but I remember my my great art, she's a she's an incredible mentor of mine. I love her dearly. Her name is Arne Joan, everyone in my life knows about because I'm constantly telling stories. She's 94 or five. She's a powerful businesswoman. She's never had kids. And I've kind of slotted in there and learn a lot from her. And she's been able to like almost like, be of a teacher of mine. But her her business partner and her partner, Frank, who died about two years ago, I remember going into his house and he had a fry pan that he bought for his so that he was married before and he was married before. So this was with his wife, and they both lost their partners and they, you know, spend time together and nurture each other. Yeah, walked each other home. Yes. And he pulled out this frying pan, and it was the first frighten he ever bought his wife. And he spent a week's wages on a fry pan. And that was when he was in his late 20s. And he's in his 90s using the same fry pan to cook eggs. And I said that is a man that has saw the value in investing in something for the duration of his life. And I learned more from that fry pan and his relationship with fry pan than I have in you know, in all of the books that I've read, like this man have values something and sees a relationship with it for the rest of his life. And I think that that scares a lot of the modern men who have grown up with plastic cups and takeout food and prepackaged meals and all these things that we can just buy and throw away and get a new one tomorrow.

Unknown: 1:20:50

Yeah, this is why I believe that women are so important to us right because without them we would have one couch, one spoon, right not even a knife and fork right on top of where we'd be still be eating out of Tupperware containers. Yeah, right Loper when we've been coming into our life flocked my wife. When we she moved in with me. That was my first place I've ever lived. But when I moved out when I separated, I didn't have furniture. I always lived in furnished apartments. So when we moved out of there into our new apartment, we had to buy furniture. Yep. And I was like, this is the first time we've ever had to buy furniture. First time I've ever had to buy furniture for an actual home. Yep. Right. And I'm so like, just because he's turned 18 He can go clubbing doesn't mean you're a man. Nope. Just because you can pay your share of the rent, doesn't mean you're a man. You're in the building. You're in a phase. You're in a PA. This is part of the journey. Right?

Jacob O'Neill: 1:21:51

But I call it the fuck fight feast. It's the knighthood. It's you know, I get to go out to battle I get to come home and celebrate. And then I all I'm doing is I'm waking up looking for the next battle.

Unknown: 1:22:00

And for the men that are listening to this, and we talk about, you know, the Knight and the Prince and the king. You know that a great book that talks about that is Allison Armstrong

Jacob O'Neill: 1:22:09

outside said Esther Perel, right, Allison Armstrong and Esther Perel, she's

Unknown: 1:22:13

great. Yeah, right. Love Esther Burrell. I came across her around her TED talk around infidelity. That definitely helped me support people other relationships through infidelity. Yeah. You know, and as I said before, what does it take to live your life to your gray and all of that, you know, healthy, successful relationship? And no one's been through more problems than them? Yeah, but no one solve more problems, either. Yes. You know, like you just lost the best sharing is about giving. You know, if you think it's known, well, let me know what it feels like at the top by yourself. Yeah,

Jacob O'Neill: 1:22:51

man has a mountain top when you're on your own. Yeah. It's funny. You said that man. Because like, when I have something awesome happened in my life, you know, you spoke about what do you do? I can't wait to get home until make makes me emotional. I can't wait to come home and say, Hey, lover, guess what? Look at this. Look what I did. I want to share this with you. And, and if I feel like crying, you cry. Like, and I think that's the you know, that if you have that in your relationship, you can have that with other people as well. You know, it's my relationship has been so healing for me to learn how to let people in. Like I can, like the way you've loved me, man like him, you know, we've been in rooms together where I'm frustrated. And I'm, I can feel like, you'd like, you got a bro. He's like, Don't worry about him. And let's just do this, just do what's next. And you like you got this. And just like that, just being able to let people in after a lifetime of trying to control and sort of worry so much about not being loved. Like my relationship has taught me so much about that. And because of that, I'm able to come home with excitement and share things that I would normally just sweep under the rug. Oh, yeah. Okay, next, what's next? What's next, I never, ever get the time to stop and smell the roses. And I think when you build a life with someone, you get to you get to build a Book of Memories that you can revisit and share. And like you said, with the breakdown with in business early on, like if you hadn't have had that you wouldn't have the story to share to add value to other people who are going through and I think there's a lot of people that are reading the same chapter of their life over and over again. And then they wonder why when they get to the end of their life that they don't have any value to add. Because they haven't had the courage to step into the next season of their life and i i say this you know, I don't want to tell stories about false you know, the about these gods that are exist in another world. I want to tell stories about fucking lino, I want to tell I want to I want to share stories about my grandfather's honestly a story about my old bosses that taught me things I want to share a story about Frank and his and his fry pan, you know, I want to know these men that that will be coming mortal to the stories that I tell my children and then they tell their children's children and that's legacy man. And you know, I look to you as a powerful leader as a beautiful husband. And as a father which is what I'm moving toward hopefully this year that's what I'm wanting and that that's what I love man is that you don't shy away from any of those those roles. And you don't let any of those roles take away from the other roles that you play in your life man. So you're you're a formidable force and an amazing capacity for for love to exist in this world. Man, I'm so grateful for you.

Unknown: 1:25:32

Thank you, brother.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:25:33

Is there anything that you want to share about about fatherhood or anything that you'd want to leave some of the some of the listeners with before we close up?

Unknown: 1:25:40

I did remember. Danny Morell familiar with Danny Monroe. Yeah, they talked about you know, how you know how to show up as a man when your partner with your partner, but not only with your partner like, you know, our partners go through that they go through menstruation, they go through pregnancy, all these sorts of things and a penny drops with me that when we having children, Ryan, I don't know. The penny that dropped with me was I'm not sure if men are aware of how much time you're actually going to have to take the backseat. But there's the time from the moment you decide you're going to have kids or if not, isn't planned, there is the pregnancy period, then there is after Ryan until they're walking, talking, right can feed themselves probably out of nappies, we're talking anywhere from three to five years. Right? If you're having children have had children, and if you think the sex is changes, because it has, if you think the relationship has changed, it is because it has an all I want to do is just bring to awareness that in that time, that is the nature of the beast. That is part of the journey, Brian, and there is a different level of manhood and leadership that is going to have to be come out of you in that time. Do not think that that is forever. But a lot of men might think that that is a death sentence. There's very few women that I've ever experienced that have not gone through postnatal depression, it is going to be a challenging time. But if it was easy, everybody would do it. But greatness was not formed through comfort. If you won the legacy, Ryan, the mortality and the mortality is the fact that people still talk about you even far after you've gone. Yes, Ryan, that doesn't happen because you're ready to leave when it gets tough. But there was a look in your feet, children's faces that happens because of the man that you became, in that time of building a family. Family isn't easy, but it is worth it. If you are all in, I will look at the camera on that. I put up a post yesterday, what does it take to raise a child? It takes everything you've got. As they change, you change as you grow. They grow, you must grow by one. And this will build the character of a man and help develop and Cole Potts view right forward that you didn't know that you needed Ryan. But trust me when I say the man that you look you're looking for is in there. I have that helps. Man, I'm

Jacob O'Neill: 1:28:33

ready to jump through. I'm ready to jump through that wall. Man. I'm feeling powerful. I'm feeling inspired. Thank you, man. Like that's that. I know that listeners get a lot out of that. But that was that was just for me. What you said Man, I felt that deeply and I'm looking forward to meeting that version of myself, you know, sooner rather than later. So I look forward to the challenge. I welcome it and I know that I have for me I know I've got the right men around me and I've got the right woman beside me. I've got the right practices to meet my edge and then see what comes after it. Because I know that at the end of the day and initiation is an initial isn't an initiation if I know what's going to happen. Yep. So this is part of this is that this is a part of life and it will change because things have to have

Unknown: 1:29:20

to It's like doesn't matter how much you know, Brian, like it when you're in it, you actually don't even own things all the notice and information in the world and I'm here and it's like it's not what it says in the brochure that it's far beyond

Jacob O'Neill: 1:29:44

that's what I get so many guys are like oh but David data said this I was like yeah David data's is living his own life you just read a fucking book

Unknown: 1:29:53

was said on a call yesterday and that was you know, being said and I've read this book and read that book. And I said look, nothing will impact you more than being in the arena. Oh,

Jacob O'Neill: 1:30:03

yeah, man. I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much. The it just brings me back to you know humble service humble service as a man I'm here to be of service to that which I choose to be responsible for. And you show me what's possible. You show me what you show me what I I want and what I know I'm capable of creating so thank you for leading the way for me and so many other men here on the Gold Coast bro. I know I wouldn't be doing the work that I am doing if it wasn't for what you chose to do. And yeah, man, I look forward to many more conversations and I no doubt we'll we'll have a have to come back when when I do have a little one. Eventually we'll have to do volume two. Yes, sir. I come back and I tell you that you are right about everything. I

Unknown: 1:30:52

do have one last question. Please. What does becoming a father meaning to you?

Jacob O'Neill: 1:30:57

Man, it means that I get to I get to give love to something in a way that I've never, never given love before. Oh, it's gonna it's gonna, like for me, I, I, I've never, I've had dogs before. And I'm the eldest of four. And I remember how much it meant to be like that level of responsibility brings brings forth a part of me that I want more of an eye. You know, I'm, when I'm in, I'm all in. And I remember what it was like when I made the decision to propose to mag. I've never felt so much grief, which gave me access to joy. And I said this to Meg. I said, I'm terrified on other podcasts of what I'm going to become because I've never loved something like this before. And I watched you know, I see your posts, and I saw that you and your little man. Yeah, ocean, were at the beach today, and you guys were hanging out as and I'm like, oh, man, I just want to love a little version of me, man, I want to teach you things I want to share you be the things I want. I want to I want to help you grow. And I think that's, you know, what you said, You know what, it means that I get to impart some of the lessons I've learned and be responsible for someone's growth in a way that allows me to, you know, when I am gray and old, and I'm laying there, and I'm ready to you know, they're ready to carry me up the mountain and leave me up there so I can become an ancestor. It's like that I've got my lineage to do that with me with my son can come and, and, and let me go, I want that. I want that kind of relationship. I want that long term. I want that family around me, man. And I'm ready. I'm ready to I'm ready to ready to do that. So thank you.

Unknown: 1:32:43

I just want to say bro, I absolutely love you. And I always love how you light up about conversation. I love having a conversation with you. And thank you for having this conversation. Sounds like it's my podcast. That's how much love will go for this man.

Jacob O'Neill: 1:32:59

Thank you, bro. Appreciate you my man.

Unknown: 1:33:01

Thank you so much for big

Jacob O'Neill: 1:33:02

love everyone. Hope you enjoyed this episode. All of Leno's details will be in the show notes. We'll have his Instagram website and like I said if you're a man or a woman he does couples workshops he does. He's incredible walks out the back of the Gold Coast and a few other areas. But I'll let you guys go and explore his content. Bless up big love and we'll see you next week. Yo yo yo, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Sex love and everything in between. Now if you'd like to stay connected with Megan i You can head on over to Instagram and follow me at the Jacob O'Neill and where can people find you lover

Unknown: 1:33:36

at the dot mag dot o

Jacob O'Neill: 1:33:40

amazing and yeah guys, check out the show notes for all other information in regards to what we've got coming up. And yeah, we're super super grateful that you guys for taking the time to listen in to this podcast. If you do have any topics or any questions, like I said, hit us up on Instagram and we'll see what we can do. Apart from that have a beautiful, beautiful rest of your day. Thanks for being here. Big Big Love.