Ep 44: Faking orgasms & taking ‘too long’ in the bedroom

Ever faked an orgasm or felt like you were "taking too long" in the bedroom? 

Well, you’re not alone. This is an absolute pandemic amongst women. 

And in this week's episode, Meg and Jacob shed light on the truth about female arousal and anatomy.They reveal that there's no such thing as "taking too long" – it's all part of the natural arousal and design of the female body. Tune in to unravel the mysteries of Female arousal & the secrets to a more fulfilling sex life. 

What you’ll hear in this week’s episode… 

●Understanding female arousal and the guilt associated with taking time in the bedroom
●Why women fake orgasms
●Why there’s not such things as ‘taking too long’ 
●The difference between male & female arousal 
●Why women struggle to advocate for themselves & use their voice in the bedroom 
●The importance of letting go of the goal & giving a woman permission to take as much time as she needs 
●Hearing & embracing your partner's feedback/ desire without taking them personally.
●Communication. Communication. Communication. Communication. 
●Why Meg hates sex scenes in films, TV & movies 
●And much more 


And much more ...

JOIN FROM CONFLICT TO DEEPER CONNECTION: https://bit.ly/3MuKEle

THE PLEASURE ANATOMY WORKSHOP: https://bit.ly/3tUpoig

Transcript

0:04

Hey beautiful humans. Welcome to sex, love and everything in between. You're here with Jacob and my wife, Meg. And this is the place where we have all them very, very real raw and extremely unfiltered conversations about sex, love and everything in between. It's here you get a behind the scenes look into our relationship. And we will not be holding back. Well, we might not know. You don't know how to do that. Not at all. So beautiful ones. Thank you for being here. Enjoy this episode. Hey, hey, lava. Hi. Hi, my man. Yo, what up family? Beautiful humans. Welcome back to your favorite podcasts greatest podcast on Earth, sex, love. And everything in between. With Jacob and Meg. The O'Neal's? The O'Neill's Yeah, I think I get a little tricky when people say Megan Jacob, Tim, like, I'm the man I should be at the front and the leader of this relationship. On the mask sound is good. Now it doesn't have the same ring does it? Most people do you reckon that it's not a thing. Whoever's name, it said first is the more like dominant personality or dominant role in the relationship, I would say takes up more space definitely. is very loud. is noisy fills the room with emotions. Yeah, okay. That's me. You've actually done pretty well today. You haven't cried today? Yeah, it's only one o'clock. Yeah, no, but like, oh, that compared to yesterday, yesterday. You were I'm bleeding right now and yesterday. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. What was that? I'm obsessed with this Ed Sheeran song life goes on, which is also with a country singer who is a musical get you, Brian, someone someone for Brian. Yeah. And I put it on. And then I cried every time and we were driving someone yesterday. I'm like, I put it on. And then I looked at Jacob and said, will she? Oh, where'd she? She will shame you say you always will. And then in the last 20 seconds I did. It got you good. It did get me good. And then I was Yeah. cracked open. You love it. I love that. I posted something on Instagram today that that really sent you of that girl. It was like, I went to the supermarket and I saw this old man. He probably hasn't washed but I just made up a story that she's dead and he's going home to eat alone. And she was speaking about being like pre bleed or bleeding. I'm like, Yep, I was in that yesterday. It's it's such a sensitivity. Yeah. And the emotional volatility. Yeah, it's beautiful, though. It's so fun to be witness to. Because I go from like, crying to laughing within seconds. I do that any time of my cycle, but it's definitely amplified. Yeah. And if my blade, I didn't understand what I do about the feminine, you could easily say that there was something drastically wrong. There's many kness do but it's now it's just you riding the waves of what's moving through you. That's all it is. And I think that is for all the men listening and also for the women. Like when we try and attach meaning to our emotions or why certain things are really arising for us. Like, yeah, we can really create. We just don't have to that can create so much suffering where it's just like, ah, can I allow myself to be so deeply moved in this moment? Can I allow the emotions to just be here and not have to make them mean anything? Yeah. And for men like when you when you look at your woman through the lens of Ah, she has something to fix or when she's writing those emotional waves it's something to fix. That does not feel great for that woman when you bet you when you just allow her like just like love her through that like oh nothing's wrong. Yeah, nothing's actually wrong. Which is like such a liberating experiences man if you are constantly thinking about what's wrong and what needs to be fixed and try to understand what's going on and never try and understand you're gonna end up with such a yeah, you're gonna end up just constantly falling short because emotions aren't there to be understood that they're to be either felt or witnessed being felt that right there. And I love like you you will laugh at me in those moments, not not out of malice, but you will like you will be in awe. That's what I feel in those moments even yesterday when I just was just crying to Ed Sheeran. Like, you were just looking at me in the little mirror on like the mirror on the little mirror in the car. It sounds like I was like in the back and like the little cars. I don't know what Did you like you were looking I don't know. There was some revision that I was beside you. Yes, I don't really know how that was working. But um, I have it set up just so I can see you to Meg mirror. You were looking at me with such or which used to be really confronting for me when I would cry and like, you would just, you just piercingly look at me with such deep love. And now I just love that, like it's vulnerable still, but I'll just be crying and you'll just be you'll be witnessing and such or of like, wow, I have no idea what is happening for you right now. Or like, yeah, it's just like, what? Listen, you know, you speak about this a lot. Like, it's the masculine or that that pole of the witness. It's like, it's like witnessing nature. It's like witnessing the waves. You don't even you don't have to know you're not sitting there being like how the waves work. Sometimes I'll do that. Yeah, but just the the witness of like, wow, when you're in all you're not thinking about what why something is the way it is you're appreciating what it is in the moment. You're having an embodied experience. Or it's an embodied you're deeply connected to the moment Yeah, this is your accessing spirit through this moment. And that, like that's it like sunsets, lightning, the amount like a mountain, or the beautiful, beautiful bird or these things when we like in witness of the beauty that is there in the moment, that's us really deeply into our masculine core. Yeah. And appreciating something without needing to understand it, or know why it is the way it is. And if I tried that, I would have a bad time, especially with you, because you ride those waves, baby. Alright, those waves Baby, baby. All right, let's, let's dive into the topic today. My love. Yeah. So we're going to talk about something that I have definitely experienced in the bedroom. And I would say majority of women, I talk to you about sex, and I coach and I have in my space have experienced this at one stage or another and many continue to experience this. And even for me, this is something that you know, every now and again, like, definitely not as much as it used to be. But this is something that I speak into the space every now and again. And this is this feeling that women get this guilt, or this belief that they are taking too long in the bedroom. And there's guilt that comes with that. And then the result of that, or the ritual of that is I'm taking too long, and taking too long. I should just it's going to take me a lot longer to orgasm. It's not worth it. I'm just going to fake an orgasm. And this is a pattern I have played out. Not necessarily in our relationship, maybe the maybe a few times at the beginning. I can't believe I cannot believe that you would do that to me. But anyway. But definitely in previous relationships. I used to fake orgasms all the time, all the time all the time. Because you felt like you were taking too long. I think there's I think there's many there's different pieces here. One is I felt like I was taking too long. Second is didn't know actually how to speak up. And that was I didn't know how to didn't know I felt really uncomfortable and unsafe too. It was it was a taking up space thing. Like I don't know how to take space. I don't know how to be a woman that asked for what I want in the bedroom, I don't actually know. I don't actually feel like I'm allowed to do that. And I think this is the case for so many women. And then what I see so often is a woman will have this pattern, and then she'll get into a relationship which then turns into a long term relationship. And then maybe they're having sex for years and years and years and years. And she's been faking orgasms or having this pattern of feeling like she's taking too long, and never asking for what she really wants. And then there's this fear of like, Oh, I'm five or six years into a relationship. And I've never actually, you know, I'm not enjoying the sex. How do we actually bring that up? Yeah. How do we actually bring that to the space? That's confronting completely? Yeah, as a man, I haven't had that experience, obviously. Yeah, but yeah, to what I'm hearing is almost like this comparison between orgasm between men and women, and almost like this expectation for you to arrive at orgasm the same way that I would as a man. Yes. Yeah. And I think just by nature when when a woman feels I am taking too long, too long compared to what or who? Yeah. It's too long compared to a man. Yeah. And so this and this is really How us women have been taught to relate to our body and view our arousal is through the lens of male sexuality and male arousal. You know, a man is usually very quick to be ready for sex. A man is very quick to, you know, be able to have penetrative sex. And so, as women, so often we believe that our arousal must work the same, and we must, you know, we must work the same. And as a man, often men are very quick to, you know, be able to come and orgasm. Yeah. And so again, as women we've, we've just been made to believe that we must be the same. And that has so many women feeling like they're broken. I'm not ready. I don't feel like you know, being penetrated yet. Or, oh, my gosh, it took him five minutes. And oh, my gosh, I feel like I need like half an hour. They must be something broken, there must be something wrong. And this makes me like so fucking riled up. Because, yeah, we live in a culture then that has so many women thinking that there's something wrong or broken with their body or with a placebo with the sexual experience or arousal. And it's not. This is like how female arousal is designed. This is how a woman's body is designed. And we take time, it takes us a lot longer, to be ready to Yeah, to be ready for sexual experiences. But also, it can take us longer to orgasm. And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong or that we're broken. This is this is the natural, beautiful design of a woman's body. Totally. I love them. I love the piece that I'm like, sort of stewing on here. I was thinking is like, are taking too long, can sometimes be for what I'm what I'm understands, like, you may feel as though you've rushed into penetrative sex before you're actually open to it. Yeah, so like taking too long, it's actually I need more time at the beginning to actually open and be ready to receive. And in that, that's the piece that I'm like, That's not at all like I'm taking longer so we just need to have penetrative sex for longer. It's actually not not as simple as that. It's like I actually need this time before penetration I need this other form of sex. And this other aspect of sex to allow me to open in a way that has me potentially arriving an orgasm or not, it doesn't matter. But yeah, it's opening me to the to that that pathway, which is very different to a man's. Yeah, often that is like, you know, and I think depending on when we put this episode out, but if you if it's before October 29. Come to the pleasure anatomy workshop live, October 29. Go and grab the replay of the pleasure anatomy workshop because I teach so deeply on female arousal, pleasure anatomy, like how vulva and vagina works like this instrument of a woman's body, like how does it actually become turned on? And how do we prepare it so we're having the best sex and orgasms of our life. And a huge part of that is, you know, a woman's body has to be prepared before she is penetrated. And if we are skipping straight to being penetrated, we are going to have challenges most likely finding orgasm, because if we're looking at our anatomy, there's something called our vestibular bulbs. And if we think of a man like a man, a man gets an erection, like women we have. So in a man's penis, there's something called erectile tissue. So it's the tissue that floods with blood and becomes a racked and a woman. In gorged Yes. And a woman has erectile tissue in her pussy as well. And we have this like, behind our vulva on the like the legs of the clitoris is something called vestibular bulb. So when when not honoring that, like touching and really preparing our vulva and slowly like massaging and and getting those getting those vestibular balls and the erectile tissue really engaged when we don't honor that and go straight for penetration without juicy swollen bulbs. Like we're not going to be having really super pleasurable sex. We are going to feel like like naturally we we can take a while and that's not a bad thing. But yeah, this is when orgasms can feel really challenging to experience and also penetrative sex can either feel really painful or just uncomfortable. I think of the times before, before BM before mag with my previous partners and how like even the way Uh, I would approach this, like, oh, we use lube because it's quicker and easier. And it's like, Ah, I was never taught anything about female anatomy. So I'm, I'm not judging myself for this. But I look back, I'm like, Ah, yeah, you buy lube when you buy condoms, and then you use the lube to make it easier to enter the woman and away you go. And then that makes it more pleasurable, because it's like, there's there's lubrication. But the truth is, is that that's actually bypassing a very important part of the female arousal process, right? Completely, completely. And, again, when a woman is, you know, skipping over that part, or in partnered sex, that that process is being skipped over her arousal, her, you know, that in gorging of her own erectile tissue, that's when a woman can be having sex and being like, I feel broken because it doesn't feel pleasurable, or it feels uncomfortable if something is wrong here. And it says, again, this isn't necessarily that there is something wrong or broken. For this woman, it's, it's that Oh, wow, she hasn't learned the true power or the true. Yeah, so many women. And yeah, we're just in the dark as to how to use our policy space and how to use this incredible instrument that we've been, we've been gifted, and that will completely change a woman's experience of sex and orgasm forever. And also a man's, yeah, it'll make you feel so much more empowered as a man, when you understand what your woman's body needs to arrive at pleasure. And for me, it's like anything, the moment I understand something, or the moment I have the right data, the right information, and then able to implement, yeah, and not to make sex a bit dry and formulated. But when you do have those, the this awareness of you can then meet these moments with so much more care so much more. You can still bring what you desire. But you also aware that your partner's desires are not the same as yours, that your partner's body is not the same as yours. There are different things that are required for them to arrive at this state of pleasure, which may be very quick for you or may not be as quick for you. Yes. And I think this is where like this, this is, it's so powerful for a heterosexual, heterosexual couple, for both people to understand this like for a woman to really begin to advocate for her body's design. Right, and to no longer bypass the time she needs. And this is really when a woman learns all of these things about her arousal and her anatomy, it really is an invitation and an initiation into being the type of woman that uses her voice in the bedroom. Because again, in that situation where potentially a woman has been having sex in a particular way with the same man for years and years and using is and suddenly, you know, there's a minute of foreplay, and then there's penetration, and then maybe she makes an orgasm. Or maybe she just like, doesn't have an orgasm or whatever it might be. And then suddenly, now she's understanding her body and she wants to ask for more foreplay. She wants to have a vulva massaged, and to engage the erectile tissue, she wants to have him go be comfortable with him, having him go down on her for a longer period of time, because she knows that, you know, it's by relaxing into that and really taking the time to be in that experience that she's able to reach those states of orgasm. But that is going to require how to use a voice. And that can often be the piece that many women feel really fucking terrified of. Yeah, and two things. The first one is previous to you, I'm going back to using get BM before make it almost felt like sex had this kind of step by step process that I would I would walk through and it would be very much I'd be like, Okay, we do this then we penetrative sex and then this, this feeling comes online. This happens to her body. This was my body, boom, Okay, done. Rollover go to sleep. And there was almost like a formula. And I'm just looking back on and being like, oh, yeah, like, that was very much mind oriented. It was very much an intellectual way of having sex rather than meeting what was there what was being asked of each of our bodies. Yeah. That and then the second thing was What were you just speaking about before? I've forgotten what the second thing having sex with the same person for a while and then like using your voice like a woman using her voice? I used to ask for to advocate for her body and what a body is, what I feel sometimes this can a woman can feel fear around that are taking up too much space is that when men receive feedback, or when they receive a woman's desire, they may take it personally as well. And I know at times, that's, I felt that twinge in me, I've like I'm doing it wrong, am I, and then I'm like, oh, then I start to judge myself, like, oh, I should know what your body wants, I should be able to give you and then I put all this pressure on myself to perform. But in actual fact, you're just speaking your desires, you're not expecting me to know everything straight away, like this is a co creation, this is exploration, this is a way for us to connect. So when a woman does bring her desires, and I'm speaking particularly to the men, she's bringing them to the relationship not to tell you that you're wrong, not to blame you for her not having what she needs. She's bringing them so you guys can actually deepen into that, that's incredible, incredible information for you to be able to love her better. And fuck up that I'm fuck her. But if you if you take it personally, then you're not going to be able to receive it as as this beautiful gift of, I now know what it is that you desire, oh, wow, I can now give, give more to you in the way that you desire to receive it. Because the truth is, we do want to like for me, I know. And I know, for all of the men that I've worked with, and supported in the realms of relationships, they all really want to be able to love their partner better. Part of that is being able to receive your partner's desires without taking them personally. Yeah, I just thought that was an important piece as cuz I was just thinking about women who may feel uncomfortable about bringing their desires in other areas, if they have spoken up if a man can like, take it personally and try to defend his position. It can almost exacerbate this. I'm not going to I'm not going to share. I'm not going to share I'm not going to share completely. And there was something else I wanted to share that was it. Yeah, we often talk about like, being and this is more around like conflict in relationship around moving from like, opposition, like being on like opponents to really seeing that you're on each other's team. Yes. And it's so important that we bring that same dynamic into the bedroom and intersexual experiences. Because if we are Yeah, if we're believing that, hey, we're here together, what are we we have the same goal, which is to have ecstatically alive sex to have ecstatically alive experiences here with each other's bodies. Yeah. Right. And like, knowing if that's your shared goal, right, okay. Well, now we're open for whatever arises here, because it's in service to that goal. Oh, if like there's contraction, okay, it's in service to the goal, if there's a new desire or something wants to be spoken into the space, yes. Trusting that's in service to the goal. And fact, if both of you desire to continue, and you know, this is, we often talk about this, I can't wait to be having sex with you at like, 60 7080. Like, what the fuck kind of sex we're going to be having then. Like, I truly believe it's just gonna get better and better and better and better. You're gonna be such a hot 80 year old. I'm just gonna be like, just tearing it up. Like, yeah, get here. Get up on this, sit up on this, this bar and MA. If that's like the goal, then just like, knowing that will the container of your relationship and sex like it has to be open to desires and contraction and feedback and just like bringing things to the space, because that's the only way that anything evolves through communication and conversation, and it being a safe space to bring what's alive. And not take things personally and not feel like you brought that in. That's an attack on me. It's like, No, I brought that because that's in service to where we're going together. Oh, that's a whole lot easier said than done. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I think that's yeah, that that for me has been my practice is like receiving your desires is like this opportunity to deepen together. Totally. Yeah. And now like and knowing that like, Why Why not receive more pleasure? why not explore? Explore this, like, that's a lot of I know that sometimes we can, men can get stuck in. You know, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. This is work. This has always worked. Let's just keep doing this. It's a very sort of narrow minded approach. But my my practice, especially in our relationship, and what's served me in my journey as a man is like why not, why not try this? Like what is what lucky said? Who made the rule? Who made the rules around like, Are you're taking too long? Like who came up with that? Or like, oh, we can't do that. Because this is this is what we do when we have sex. Says who? Like who made these rules? Yeah, I'm not saying you have to go and do the craziest thing every single time you have sex you can you can find the things that you like and, and do them over and over again. But in a moment where you're being invited to deepen through someone's expressed desire. Why not? Like there's no need to. Yeah, what why not? There's nothing to defend. It's going to deepen your connection. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's super important. And I think it's, it's also I just want to bring a bit of nuance here. Like, it's also safe to say no, when something is a no for you, of course, but often if that is like someone you know, a woman asking a man can can we go slower? Like, often? A man probably doesn't have doesn't feel unsafe going slow like that. That can just be another way to love her. Oh, wow. That's great information. I'm not gonna take this personally, I wasn't doing it wrong. She's actually just given me great fucking information about how to love her and fucko better awesome. I'm devoted to being the best lover I can possibly be. I am going to be the best bucking student in this moment. And drinking that information yet. I'm sorry, that information right now? Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. And if you are triggered, like, just to just because we're human, and we do get triggered if you're, if you get triggered as a man, like, take some time to breathe. Yeah, like, slow down to the point where you stop. So I just need to. I'm just judging myself for rushing. I'm judging myself is like, Yeah, and like that, for me has been a few times where I've like, felt my heart closed, because I'm like, I'm doing it wrong again. Like, hang on. That, that desire Express does not mean that what has happened is was wrong. Yeah. Just like okay, let me just take a few breaths. I just need to open my heart again. Yeah. And arrive back into space. And that's okay, let's let's go. Let's slowly start again. And sometimes we've had experiences where I'll bring something and it does shut you down because of the fuck I wasn't doing it. Right. Or like, Uh huh. I was trying to like should know better shit. Yeah. And then it can it can be fucking gritty. And maybe the SEC stops there. But the conversation really begins and like, we deepen somewhere in I would say that's where I really probably get my healing moments is when I used to, don't I when I when I judge myself for not doing the right thing and then shut down and I like curl up and I want to roll over and then you still love me like you still. You stay with me that they're really healing those moments. Yeah, they are. Sex is so beautiful, guys. But like, even again, yes, the goal for many people is like, Oh, I guess I don't even think I'll get shared goal and sex is just to have ecstatic expansive experiences. But I guess that's included in that. Yeah, sex is like, yeah, just like take us where we need to go. Yeah. Like the way show us what we need to feel like, yeah, because this get to be gets to be such a tool for healing. Yeah, like those. Like, I'm just thinking of like, one of the moments I remember where I closed that off and rolled over and you're just like, you're just like stroking up and down my spine. And I just felt my whole nervous system was like, slowly felt like it was like, it had been like, knotted up and it was like slowly relaxing. I'm like, Oh, wow, like, this moment feels so nourishing to my to my body. Like my body has been nourished and honored. And it's receiving deeply what it needs right now. And whilst it wasn't like a pleasure filled ecstatic state there was like definitely this like, depth of of like, of relief and pleasure through like this release of my nervous system, like actually like slowing down. I was like, wow, this is what sex is offering me right now. And in partnership, or like in shared sexual experiences, yeah, part of the magic can be in Wow, what a privilege it is in this moment to support my partner's nervous system. And that can be like what I've done for you many times like that. Or if we bring it back to that example of a woman, asking a man to slow down, like, that's so nourishing to her nervous system as well. If you're if a man is like, offering the depth of his consciousness into a woman's body, and she feels safe, she's not feeling he's not projecting urgency onto her. Which men this is such a phenomenal thing to experience as a woman. And when you are not projecting any urgency into her experience onto her, have, come on, come on, come on, come on, let's go, I want to come I want to come I want to come like when she doesn't feel any of that when she feels like you would truly a space to be with her for however long it takes, like when you're not just saying those words, but when she can feel that in your body. That is such a deeply healing experience for a woman. And that is a doorway to your woman's deepest orgasmic states. When a woman truly feels safe to take as long as she needs, and when she is not feeling external urgency, which can amplify her own internal stories of urgency, I'm taking too long, I'm taking too long and think too, I'll just make an orgasm. Like when you're not projecting that urgency onto her, she feels safe to let go of her internal urgency, which can really be supported by you saying like be I'm here, take as long as you take take as long as you like take as long as you need. Right? That a woman is able to like find that's a whole fucking different paradigm for a woman. And her body is able to relax a nervous system is able to relax. And she's able to experience orgasms which aren't forced or clenched or gripped out of her body. But orgasms she's able to relax into. Yes. And that is a whole nother paradigm of pleasure and sex. That's a whole different like, it's almost like embracing an orgasm that is like because for men there's almost like that. Clenching and then releasing. Yeah, and that can that can sometimes translate like the way that women try to get to orgasm. You talk about like, like almost relaxing around the orgasm, I feel like is like you relax around this thing that just like I was gonna say electric use but electric use not the right word. But like, Yeah, like that. Yeah. Like, activates is sent through your entire body. Yeah. And it's so it's so clear when you're having an experience like that. Because you like real you're relishing in it you're like rolling around and writhing in pleasure. It's not just this localized. Ah, yeah. forced through the eye of a needle kind of orgasm. But it is this relaxing around and it starts to like ripples through I see that like, yeah, you're you're really relishing the the experience and allowing it to just relax through your body. Yeah. And I think just a note here like a man and you've had orgasms like this, like, men can experience that too. Yeah, like men can have full body orgasms. Men can have more expensive expansive states of orgasm. And that too, is through that portal of like, can I relax my nervous system and body into this, instead of and I feel like we're kind of, we're kind of I'm kind of going to take us on a little tangent here. But like for a loved one. And we've spoken about this before, but I feel like for a lot of men as as teenagers, when they start the practice of masturbation, a lot of it is in private. And this can be the same for women too. But a lot of it is in private with shame. Can I bust this out as quickly as I possibly can. And it's like, forced and there is tension in the body. And, you know, you can have beautiful moments of pleasure like that. But so too for a man like he gets to men also have the opportunity to relax into deeper levels of pleasure and deeper levels of pleasure and deeper levels of play. And I would say those relaxing into orgasms are like replenishing rather than just relieving. Yeah, so like that forced, like rushed orgasm can almost feel like a depletion. Like oh, then I had like a moment of relief. And I'm like a little like, I'm just like, Oh, I just want to relax. Yeah, but they're relaxing around almost feels like it's there is that relief but it's a replenishment it's this like back into me as well. Yeah, I don't really know how to explain that. But for me that there's such a it's so much more life giving completely knowing that the other you know, neither is right or wrong. It's just an exploration of what else is available. Yes. I think that's an important piece. Yeah. There was something I wanted to bring us back to ah, we were talking about taking too long this belief for women that they take too long and something I see you know, this is also from Yes, the comparison of like, a woman's arousal and sexual experiences to a man's and how quickly a man can kind of go through that cycle of I'm turned on I fuck I've come done. That can Yeah, this cycle can be a lot. It's a fish like manner. are efficient in that way like that. And, yeah, yeah. And a woman with a vibrator can be like that, you know, I've seen you be efficient. Obviously, if you break break out your, your, your efficiency at times when you're like, I'm gonna get this one out. And I get it. Sometimes you just need to, like, I don't. Yeah, not here to talk about time to turn myself on for an hour. And yeah, I just want that quick hit. Once, I think that's why it's so I want you to get back to what you're saying. But that's why it's so important. We don't make anything right or wrong. Like, the minute we bring shame to something when making something. The only way and the other way the wrong way. Yes. Because then if you only ever say, well, it takes me an hour to be turned on. And then I have to have this and that we're just creating another construct with rules. And you've seen me do that in our sex life. Like where I was like, I don't like short, fast sex, because, you know, I'm not ready. We're lately we've been kind of playing with having quicker, faster sex. Just bringing that onto the, the, the menu of our sex life. And I'm like, I really fucking love that. Not every time. And if we were having that kind of set, if I felt like that was the only sex that was available for us, I wouldn't be fully satisfied. But that's poking fun sex to have sometimes I remember before I went to I was going when Dean and I would go into that men's retreat, we were facilitating and Dino rocked rocked up and you're like, Oh, you're gonna be gone for three days and all these things about eight hours to be ready and you need to massage my testicular bulbs or whatever they are. The stick your vestibular balls and like glitter. And I remember just like grabbing you and pushing you up against the bathroom door and just like pulling your panties aside and just licking you. And you're just like, oh, okay, I'm good. Now you can go. And those moments where you can like, almost like, bring that passion and that fire into the moment. And honor what wants to be experienced, like those moments are great. And so other the moments where you get to really take your time, it's yeah, we're not here to say that there's what one is right or the wrong? Yes. And the biggest piece I want women to hear is like learning to really attune to what you need and advocate for yourself. Like, if the moment is calling for hot, quick sex, and your body is a yes to that have the hot quick sex like, yes, enjoy it. Oh, but if you're feeling from your partner, he wants to have quick sex and your pussy is like, no, like I don't, that would feel like I would be betraying my body and my pussy to be penetrated right now. Like, speak up. Use your no ask for what you need in that moment. Or maybe it's just like, you know, this is a no right now. Because we don't have time to experience what I need to experience. Maybe that's just where a blow job comes in. Not from like, oh, I don't want to give it so I'm just gonna give a blowjob. But like, I'm, I'm not ready, but I can feel your desire. And I would love to be part of that desire. And I would love to serve you in this moment. Yeah, play around with that, like that devotional. Like that devotion, practice. Yeah. Worship, there's so many ways that you can Yeah, you can create these dynamics where you don't have to abandon yourself. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And I've, the amount of times I say this, but it's true. It makes me like emotional because the amount of I'm gonna cry. Yeah, like, how commonplace it is. And you know, I know this experience myself. But how commonplace it is, for women to betray themselves and abandon their body to just have sex because they think that's what they need to do. And how many times women push down? Yeah, the truth and then No, just because they feel it's easier to say no. feels hard to ask for more time feels hard. So it's just like, okay, he wants to be inside me right now. Okay. Right. And that might not especially when you're in a loving relationship, and you love the man, like that can just feel like oh, what's the big deal? But it is a fucking big deal. It is a fucking big deal. Because one is, you're not honoring the truth of your body. You pushing down your voice. And also, you're creating an environment for your pussy where she doesn't feel respected. And then she goes ahead and creates more numbness and there's more disconnection and you're actually stepping further and further away further away from the expansive states of orgasm and pleasure. Yes, the only doorway and this is why I always say to women that one of the One of these simplest yet challenging, simplest practices to bring into your sex life if you desire incredible fucking sex, mind blowing sex is to never be penetrated before you're ready to always get a full Fuck yes and consent from your policy space. And again, if you come along to the pleasure anatomy workshop, whether it's live or on the replay, we're going to speak deeply about like, what does it mean to be ready? How do you know when you're ready? Because that's an important thing for a woman. Super important. So yeah, no more, no more betraying the body and no more just like, Oh, it's just easy to say yes. It's just easy to give him what he wants. Yeah, and then in five or 10 years time, you'll be resenting the fuck out of the man that lies beside you, and maybe not even five. And six just becomes a favor. Wolf. No, good. No, good. And if you are at that stage right now, where are you are in that, like, that's okay. Like, Hey, you, you've done what you thought you've done, all that you knew how to do, totally. And this is for me, the what I've witnessed in new and just all of the women that you've worked with, when you start to honor your own desires, and you start to come home to your body and say, Hey, what do you need from me? What do you need me to be a spokesperson for the, the shifts that happen outside of the bedroom as well? The life force that comes in just seeing what what becomes available? It's, it's life changing? It's life changing. So I think this is like a really, really, yes, it's it is about your pleasure, and being able to experience these these life altering orgasms, and all of these beautiful things with your partner, but it then completely shifts the way that you do life, you no longer have space for things that don't serve you. You're no longer saying yes to the, to the the friendships, to the career choices to the foods to the the places that you visit, you're no longer going to you're no longer a space for those either, because you know, they don't serve you. Oh, and for me, that's, that's what I love to say. I love to see when this this work like ripples out. And all of a sudden you're doing the things that you have always wanted to do. But you had these rules in place that you weren't allowed to do them until something else had happened. Or that you weren't allowed to them because they take too much time. You weren't allowed to because it was too much effort. It's like hang on. Joy is joy is a is a pretty good conference, like pleasures are pretty awesome fucking campus for a life well lived. And I think this is this is something that I am even speaking, I was speaking to my my nan and I That's it. This is like, I have been talking to her about sex or anything but talking to her about like, speak Spanish. Speaking about pleasure, my Nana, I was she was saying around like, like, really just like, don't wait. She was like, don't wait to go and do the things that you want to do. She was speaking about how she's worked her whole life. And they never took holidays, and all that sort of stuff. And she's like, and you know, the people that took holidays, they're in the exact same position we are now we know that they live in, they live in a nice home. They do. They've got all the same things we've got. There's nothing different. And there are times and she's like, but what I loved about our life, and this was the capture interest like is it was really slow. We had a really slow life. She was speaking around the her lunch breaks, and we wore and she would speak about how like I'd walk home and that would take me 20 minutes and then I'd have lunch. Take me 20 minutes and I'd walk back home for 20 minutes and walk back to work in 20 minutes. And she's like, the slowness of life was really like we didn't have all of these. There wasn't I didn't have anxiety. I didn't have like there wasn't all of these. This over the top nearness to life. And I think what what I to segue this back into pleasure, sorry to go into a bit of a let me try to is that sometimes slowing things down can allow us to be more aware of the subtleties. Yes. Segway master segway Master. Thank you. So why is what I feel teaching us about? Zack, thank you many joys. What I feel is that there is this kind of blanket approach to sex that is urgent. Urgency gets somewhere. When we slow down. It's not only that we're slowing down to be able to give you the time that you need. But we also slow down to the point where we've become aware of other things that are going on. Yes, which is so important. So it's like ah, when I slow down and touch you here, your body moves in this way. But you gasped when I slowly run my hands down your leg and along across the bridge of your foot, you feel a shooting sensation that goes from your foot right up into your policy. It's like Ah, okay, I now am mapping out your like your erotic pleasure blueprint and learning your body. I'm learning your body is this beautiful instrument of pleasure? Because I'm slowing down. I'm taking my time to understand what's actually going on. Yes. And I'm by no means a master at this. Like I'm not saying that I'm sex guru or a masterful person. But I do know when I slow down and I pay attention to what your body is actually communicating to me. The sex is usually pretty fucking awesome. Was that good? Was that a good segue? That was a great segue. I love I love trusting myself that was I was altered then that was an altered state. Just straight channeling that was such a weird I love it. I'm waiting now. I'm complete. Yeah, did quite a few things. I was gonna jump in quite a few areas. And now I've you just went on some something that's gonna jump in the wiener. Oh, there was. So yeah, I think like what I really took from that what you just shared is that when we're tight when we're talking about, again, this conversation of a woman feeling guilty for taking too long. And then maybe like, for what am I trying to say? A man like, it's not just for the woman that a man goes, Oh, okay. It's okay. I'll slow down or I'll, I'll be more patient. That's not just for her. No, that's, that's for you as a man, that's for your sexual practice. That's for your sexual mastery, that's for you attuning to the deeper levels of pleasure in your own body and the subtlety in your own body. So not seeing it as this like, Oh, she's taking so long, like I've got to, you know, liquor out for so long. Like before? I'm gonna share it, making sure that you start the story and I'll jump in. Oh, maybe I'll continue and then we might come back. That's a fun story. Yeah, yeah. Cuz I that was like, that wasn't like that was the best orgasm of my life. I'm not joking. I'm not sure. It was like, and I felt the ripple of that for the next 24 hours. Yeah, you were you were in I was the pleasure stream. I was an altered state for 24 hours. Fucking hell. Anyway, yeah. So there's a few of the places I want to. When you were talking about before, when a woman learns to speak up in the bedroom and advocate for her to advocate for herself. I always say how we fuck is how we do life. And so this for women is such an arena, that when you practice saying no, when your body isn't ready when you practice. Hey, can we actually I'm not ready. I'm not ready to have you inside of me yet. Can you massage my pussy a little more? Can you go down on me a little more. He's stuck on my nipples a little clean, make out a little longer. A great a great way to give like a little tip for men by the massage oil. Like if you've got the massage oil and you bring it in you say hey, I've got the massage. Oh, let me massage your pussy Lee massage your breasts. It shows. It takes the pressure off like penetrative sex and gives you almost like an actionable step. Yes, yeah. We were going to do a whole episode on how to pleasure. Let's leave that for them. Because I think yeah, let's leave that for them. But that's such a beaut. No, I'm just gonna speak on it now. That's such a beautiful. I'm actually just like, visualizing your face recently on our anniversary weekend. Oh, yeah. When you gave me you set the space upside outside. You just like, massage my pussy for probably 45 minutes. And not with any goal. We weren't like, Yes, let's go like that. He was literally just like you would give me a back massage like you would just massaging my vulva taking your time. I had my eyes closed for a lot of then it would open my eyes and look at you. And you were just in such awe. Like, you were having the best time ever. And I could tell ultimate best time ultimately, that you I could tell you were just like, you do this thing with your mouth. Love it. It's just like the office and you're just like, Oh, I could tell you just thought it was the best, most beautiful thing in the entire world. And that's like men, please practice this on your woman, like, whether it's massaging her pussy and not like, I'm gonna make her calm, or I've got to give her this experience or how quickly can I do this so I can get what I want. But like, can you just lie her down? And literally, like, take her pussy in. Like being all of this portal that exists between your woman's legs? Yes, can you like give every bit of that policy of her pussy, your intention and your love, and like just like, freely drink in the beauty of it without trying to get anywhere. Like, oh, and once again, when you do take time with your woman's body, your partner's body, you get to like, see the beauty within the beauty. You can look you've had like, guy, yeah, you're sexy, or you're hot, or I'm attracted to you. But when you like, sit down, like I did for 45 minutes and like just like observe and massage and touch with loving intention that did not have an expectation to get anywhere. I was like, Ah, I'm just like, in all right now I just get to like, this is awesome. How cool is this? I mean, like, I'm loving this. And then we went inside. And we did have the best sex ever. But it was like, we went inside and we went to snuggle. And then I was like, I'm really turned on. I didn't even realize how turned on I was outside, I was just like, falling asleep and relaxation. But again, my body after that much touch and just like love was just so ready, but not from a heightened state from just this, like, depth of relaxation. Yeah. Circling back, I said how we fuck is how we do life. And what I wanted to say with that is that when we as women get really fucking good at asking for what we need, asking for more time, whatever it is, when we practice that in the bedroom, that like, has the biggest fucking shifts in our entire life. Like, we become a woman willing to advocate for ourselves, in our work, in our business, in our friendships with our family, like, we become a woman willing and like, able to ask for what she wants to needs. And that, like that's a woman that then is living the life she truly desires. That's an alive and liberated woman. Yeah, you're attuned to the the truth. Yeah, the deeper truth or like, I like to think that you're tethered to the deeper truth of your, your soul. Because anything that doesn't serve your body, or your path becomes you become sensitive to it. Yes. And I've seen this, I've seen this in you 100,000 times where you place yourself in a situation or you spend time with people, certain people, and it doesn't serve you on the deepest level. Yeah. And you have to reconcile, like, I actually like this isn't this, this is a no. Oh, and this over here is? Uh, yes, this is where I'm being called to go. And that's such a beautiful guidance system to have come online, it can be uncomfortable, or they can be like moments of like, Oh, I wish it could have been another way. But it's actually like, it's asking you to trust it. To trust that this is the way Yeah, and I think we learn like if I'll share from my perspective, when I when I started to be a woman that asked for what she wanted and spoke up in the bedroom that led to the best sexual experiences of my life. And so when we begin to see that in the bedroom, we can then start to see that as a blueprint for the rest of our life, like, ah, when I speak up, life gets better. When I actually asked what I want, I get what I want, like, oh, wow, okay, I'm gonna continue to practice this. I'm gonna bring it into the rest of my relationships and my work and wherever else in my life like Yes. Yeah. Amazing. That was another thing. I just wanted to speak about that around like that arousal, oh, women feeling like they take too long. And I I see what really frustrates me is on movies and TV shows when people like fuck within 30 seconds and all like you never show Tell me. That probably is like one or two shows like this. But I don't think I've ever seen a good sex scene where it's like actually honoring the depth of a woman's turn on and like, going slowly and like really allowing that, you know, her body to be ready. Right when women believe from watching that because there's a lot of sex scenes that we see. You know, women believe that oh, I've got to be like ready to fuck in five seconds. And I've got to be done in 10 Seconds like that's just not always again sometimes quick sex works and feels good, but a lot of the time that isn't that isn't the pathway to a woman's deepest most ecstatic sexual experiences so definitely if anyone is in the film industry change that please I hate you what what's your favorite show? I do love Outlander. But I don't love I get frustrated with Outlander sex scenes you do you love in the the polarity and all of that is like so great. But then when it comes to sex, it's like it happens in 30 seconds. Yeah, I'm like, every time every time like gods guys come up, have you ever heard of like, taking it slow? I mean it really well. Is it first the massage oil? Yeah. Jamie, massage class boba. And go down on her for an hour and send that into the nose. So yeah, I'm sure you can find that in the email for the producer and send in Hey, can you guys just ketone extended to our sixth episode? My love you feeling complete? I'm feeling great. We did tease out the story of the best orgasm on my life. Do we want to tell that another time until another time? Maybe we can like tease people. Okay, I feel like we're gonna forget but you want to give them just like a little right? quick rundown. It's up to you. Vibrating plug. Game Changer vibrating Bell plug, vibrate and Bell plug. Just leave it at that. Stay tuned. You'll have to wait for the full the full detailed rundown in the best orgasm of Meg's live. I think we should do that. I think we could. We're gonna do like a cheeky 2530 minute episode on that that experience. Okay. Uh, why not? Stay tuned? Family. Let's just like bring a bit of a summary in because I just want to bring back to Yeah, definitely. Yeah, this this piece around women feeling guilty for taking too long. If this is you, there is no such thing as taking too long. There's no such thing as taking too long. And again, let's look at we've spoken about this time and time again, here on the podcast. Like, let's take that goal of orgasm off the table. Right and your best, most ecstatic sexual experiences are going to come when you release that goal and relax into what is present, relax into what is here, one of my practices too, because sometimes that story will come up maybe a few times a year, you know, maybe a handful more like where I'm, maybe you're going down on me. And I'm struggling to feel like orgasm is close. And I'll speak that into the space. And I'll be like, Ah, I'm like getting this feeling like I'm taking too long right now. And your ability to show up in those moments. And just remind me like, or for me just like voicing that into the space. So it comes out of my head. And it's just like in the room with us. And so you know that that's what's because you can feel that contraction in my body. Right? So when we're able to voice that. And then you want to speak to the men and like what would be a powerful practice in that moment, if you can feel your woman contracting. And often this is when you're going maybe you've maybe you've already come and you're going down on your woman wanting to play with wanting wanting to make her come? Yeah. And she's you can feel her contracting. You might even like to ask like, hey, like, I'll tell them, Okay, I've got this, okay, go. Three things that I feel will support any man who wants to, I guess bringing awareness if he does feel that, what I noticed is that all of the energy and sensation in your body like dries up and gets sucked up into your head. And you go into your head and you start thinking about how you need to like me, yeah, that's the experience that I have. Like, if I'm going down on you, or if I'm touching you feel like you're a numbness come online. Because usually I'll be arriving in my body. I'm like staying on something start and I'll come become aware of it. And one of the first things I love to do is like place a hand on your heart. You love that. You're really good at that. Yeah. It's just like, Ah, I'm just like, bringing in awareness. Like, just applying, you know, like gentle pressure to your heart. It's like, Hey, is your heart here? Hey, I'm just like, bringing like I would like to I'd like to know if it's here or not. And just starting to press my hand against your heart. And just slowly, slowly. Yeah, just guiding you back to your heart. Because, as you said many times how do you say you have to before you, you must penetrate her heart before you penetrate her. You see? That's like a really nice thing just to bring that awareness back to her heart because if she's gone off into her head and thinking, Oh my God, I need to hurry up. I don't think it's gonna happen. I'm gonna have to fake it at this time. Our hope he doesn't realize I just need to get this up. I'll just get it over. No, okay, I'm going to do it. If the if she's going up into her head, all of her awareness has gone from the body to her head. So it's Rather than trying to force it back down into a policy, can you start with her heart? And yeah, no matter in those moments, no matter how good your tongue is, no matter how good your fingers are, whatever you're using, that is going to do nothing correct when a woman is in her head, and I've done that, where I'm doing the exact same thing I did the night before or two nights ago, and it had you writhing and screaming and pleasure. I'm doing the exact same thing. And I'm like, it's not working today on the FARC. And I'm like, hang on, okay. She's, she's retracted into her head. She's thinking too much. Let me let me awaken her heart again. Okay. And then the second thing is like, can you actually move away from the PC? Yeah, like, you don't have to, like go go there and localize that touch can you actually like, and there's two things I think going up and actually making out is such an important thing. Because what that does is brings your hearts up like in your heart start to connect your like, in your you're making out there's like a, there's a meeting each other. And there's your hands going at the kissing going there can be like this really beautiful. recalibration, realignment congruent, like the congruence of your energies back in alignment, you get that breath going, again, breathing together. And then the third one is picking up in like standard throw around a little bit. That's a fun one that if I feel that you're in your head, and I've done I've done a few other things, like, I'll pick you up and I'll drag you on the bed or flip you over and then I'll cuddle you from behind. And yeah, I'll just, I'll, I'll take, I'll take my, my need to get you somewhere off the table. And I'll just start focusing on bringing some lightness and some fun back into the space so we can like drop into our bodies and get out of our heads. You literally like shake shit up like you shake me out of Yeah. Out of that kind of like, yeah. And then has been and then down the other track is like actually like bringing in, like BDSM. But that's a whole nother topic. Yes. Yeah. I think in those moments, also, I fucking love everything that you just spoke to that was so beautiful. And if I was to say, or you're, you're either picking up in the energy that I'm thinking that I'm taking too long, or I've said it, what would what would you say then? That's okay. It's okay. My love. We don't have to get anywhere. Let's just slow down. Like this is sex right now. X isn't orgasm. Sex is like what we're experiencing? We're connecting. Yeah. coming in. And I just I just, I would, I would allow it to be what is? Yes. And that for me is super important. If there if it's, if it's there, and it's either revealed to you or your partner reveals it to you, through her communications just being okay with it. Not making it wrong. Not trying to then be like, well, let me what should I try to get you there then? Yeah, because there's still an element of trying to get somewhere. Yeah, even if you don't take it personally. And you're like, Okay, I'll get you there. What do you need me to? Should I should we make it actually, like, should I touch your heart? Should I? And we need to do we could even do a dance for like three minutes. It's like, anytime you're trying to like, get her back to a point of orgasm. You've missed the moment of like, it's deep acceptance and deep meeting of Hey. Yeah, we've been we've been trying to get somewhere. Yeah. Let's come back. Let's come back. There's no rush. Another thing Alex, I love when you tell me that. Like there's no like, where are we? There's no rush. No rush. I'm here. Like, when you let me know that. You don't know. Sometimes I to feel safe to fully drop in and to stop like, thinking that I need to like, find the orgasm or grab the orgasm. That literally feels like it's like, oh, is it gonna? Is this nearly it? Should I should I tighten my way they're like, sometimes that energy still comes over me. And when you when I speak that into the space and you tell me like, you know, you kind of remind me I'm here. Like, I'm not going anywhere. Like I'm not rushing. I'm not rushing at all. Like you let me know that is just like so. Relieving just that permission slip of like, ah, if this takes half an hour, it's gonna take half an hour. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's yeah, accepting it being with it and not trying to fix it or Yeah, or be like, Okay, no, no, no, we don't have to have sex doesn't have sex at all. It's like, anytime you you, you associate sex only with orgasm. You're then losing the magic of like, all of the other moments around the orgasm. Yeah. And like we said earlier on that, like, that's so healing for a woman to just like, let her know, either like, it's okay that she's not there or that you're like, they're like, there's no rush. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm, I'm enjoying this. Like, let's keep going. And maybe she needs that reminder. again and again and again and again to have that like rewire in her body that it's safe to take as long as she needs long as she fucking once. Yeah. Because again, that's the doorway to the deepest pleasure not when you're trying to fit your orgasms into a certain timeframe. Yep. 100% amazing. Thanks for being here my loves. Thank you. Thank you. This was a really fun one, my love. I love your spectrum of emotions and how passionate you are about this. And yeah, I really hope that this hope Yeah, if you are in a relationship and your like, share this one with your partner, I think there's a lot of value here. Like, there's so much that I just shared that I wish I had had someone share with me at the beginning of my journey of sex. But obviously, I've learned the way I've learned it but yeah, even just to be able to be more compassionate, more loving, more, more aware, these these these things translate out into all areas of life. And I think it's such an important, important piece of learning for every human on their, on their growth on their journey through life. Amen. A man, we love you blessed. Blessed to be here. We'll see you next week. Yo, yo, yo, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of sex, love and everything in between. Now if you'd like to stay connected with Megan, I You can head on over to Instagram and follow me at the Jacob O'Neill and where can people find you? lover@the.mag.oh amazing and yeah, guys, check out the show notes for all other information in regards to what we've got coming up. And yeah, we're super super grateful that you guys for taking the time to listen in to this podcast. If you do have any topics or any questions like I said he does stuff on Instagram and we'll see what we can do. Apart from that have a beautiful, beautiful rest of your day. Thanks for being here. Big Big Love.