In this episode, Meg & Jacob unveil a very powerful skill that when practiced will deeply transform a relationship forever. Come discover how complaints hold the key to your partner's unspoken desires, and learn the magic of turning complaints into portals to deeper love & intimacy. Join Meg & Jacob as they explore the importance of vulnerability, clear communication, and the transformative power of expressing your desires in partnership. Get ready to deep dive into a skill that will truly transform the way you relate forever.
In this episode, Meg & Jacob riff on...
And much, much more
Questions to deepen into:
Think of a complaint you have in your relationship... now, contemplate what the DESIRE underneath this complaint is?
Where are you making your partner 'read between the lines' in order to understand your desire(s)?
Can you be clearer & more vulnerable in sharing your desires with them?
--
LINKS:
Come say hi on Instagram - @sexloveeverythinginbetween
Meg: @the.meg.o Jacob: @thejacoboneill
--
And much more ...
JOIN FROM CONFLICT TO DEEPER CONNECTION: https://bit.ly/3MuKEle
THE PLEASURE ANATOMY WORKSHOP: https://bit.ly/3tUpoig
In this episode, Meg & Jacob unveil a very powerful skill that when practiced will deeply transform a relationship forever. Come discover how complaints hold the key to your partner's unspoken desires, and learn the magic of turning complaints into portals to deeper love & intimacy. Join Meg & Jacob as they explore the importance of vulnerability, clear communication, and the transformative power of expressing your desires in partnership. Get ready to deep dive into a skill that will truly transform the way you relate forever.
In this episode, Meg & Jacob riff on...
And much, much more
Questions to deepen into:
Think of a complaint you have in your relationship... now, contemplate what the DESIRE underneath this complaint is?
Where are you making your partner 'read between the lines' in order to understand your desire(s)?
Can you be clearer & more vulnerable in sharing your desires with them?
--
LINKS:
Come say hi on Instagram - @sexloveeverythinginbetween
Meg: @the.meg.o Jacob: @thejacoboneill
--
And much more ...
JOIN FROM CONFLICT TO DEEPER CONNECTION: https://bit.ly/3MuKEle
THE PLEASURE ANATOMY WORKSHOP: https://bit.ly/3tUpoig
Hey beautiful humans. Welcome to sex, love and everything in between. You're here with Jacob and my wife, Meg. And this is the place where we have all the very, very real raw and extremely unfiltered conversations about sex, love, and everything in between. It's here you get a behind the scenes look into our relationship. And we will not be holding back. Well, we might not know. You don't know how to do that. Not at all. So beautiful ones. Thank you for being here. Enjoy this episode. Hello, beautiful people. Yo, yo, yo. Hello again. As you were putting that on on Batman. This is my voice now. That's very intense. It's gone. Why is it gotten worse? This is better actually. Why it was done last week. Yeah, I'm still I'm still recovering from Teagle. Yeah, but I'm here. I'm ready. Ready to dive right in? Yeah, you. Have we had we've had a podcast since being Yeah, we've had one one podcast. Yeah. We got it done. We're up to episode 43. Wowza Yeah. What? I know we've been going at it. That's wild. We've been Yeah, we've been podcasting. Like almost a year, Neely. Yeah, that's Wow. Thanks for being along for the journey, everybody. Oh, and if this is the first episode you're listening to, there are 42 other episodes to go in. Binge? Yeah, there is enjoy. Listen. Okay, do we just want to get into it? Or do you want to have a bit of a, I want to have a bit of a talk for like 10 to 15 minutes, just vibe and just get in the energy. But I feel that today, we're being called to be to embody brevity. Yeah, we had a friend that told us I love the podcast, but you guys talk just for ages. Usually guys talk ship agents before we get into our podcast, bro. So let us know Do you love our shit talk? I feel like we don't it's not really shit talk. We just talked about how we've just had a big moment of tension through it. We haven't had that this morning. So we can just get straight to it. Yeah, we can. Without further ado, okay, we're gonna topic of conversation today is I don't know what we're going to call this episode. But and I've definitely spoken to this before. And I speak to this so deeply in a lot of my work is that it's so important to realize in relationship, not just with our intimate partner, but in any kind of relationship that underneath every complaint, lies a desire. So underneath every complaint, there is a desire. And if you and most people, most I would say relationships are in the practice of just bring the complaint, or not even fucking bring the complaint and just bring the body language of a complaint, right, or just like cross your fingers and be silent and hope that your partner understands that you there is a complaint there, there's something you're upset about or something you're disappointed by. Yeah, complaint isn't just a direct statement. It's a whole way of being totally so you could take the posture of complaint. Well, you could bring the words of complaint. I feel like women are really good at taking the posture of complaint without using the words. And then when then when they use the words. We have a lot of deaf definitely men good at that to some sometimes I think men, like the posture of complaint will be to withhold or withdraw or to almost like Yeah. Disconnect disconnect. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then there's obviously, you know, that's a very big generalization and just what we witness in our clients and what we witness in men and women, but then within your own relationship is maybe going to be the partner that yeah, that pattern is to when they're when they have a complaint alive, it's to avoid or it's to withhold, or it's to push away. Yeah. And so really, what is most common I really see and I think was how I was taught to be in relationship from what I saw from my parents and what I saw from, you know, lots of the relationships around me growing up is you, you hang out in the complaint, right, either taking the posture of complaint or just like, unleashing your complaints on your partner. And you're gonna say something? No, it wasn't Oh, okay. Masculine, just holding holding it down. So, yes, to some degree, like when you can bring a complaint when you bring a complaint. Yes, that potentially can shift some things. But what is so much more fucking powerful and the practice we're really at the point because we're so devoted to and the practice that we're inviting you to be devoted to is yes. Like, take the posture of complaint that can be part of the practice that can be part of the process. But as soon as you can, can you look underneath that complaint? And can you find the fucking desire? Can you find the truth of what you want that the complaint is almost just like the tip of the iceberg? And then the desire is like the big and juicy pot underneath that. And the complaint isn't a very powerful piece of information to bring your partner if you're just complaining, and let's use the example of a woman who's saying to her partner, like, Why do you never take me out? Why do you never take me on dates? Look at this couple on Instagram. Right? They're taking Why don't you ever take photos like me? Like, like this? Like, like this comparison piece? Perhaps. But why don't you ever take me on dates? Complaint? Right. And if I was to say that to you, Jacob, my man. Try it. Why don't you ever take me on date? Why don't you ever do what I need you to do? Maybe if he did all the things that I needed, maybe then I'd want to take you out on a date. What would you say if I said that though? Like, as if he did tell me what to do? Who did judge me? Yeah, there's like, um, what? What kind of like, defense? Yeah, yeah, I want to totally so. I don't even you saying that. I can feel my body tightness. Like don't you? Don't you dare treat me that way. Attack Attack me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Place an expectation on me that hasn't even been made known. That piece. And this is where if we're just hanging out sharing our complaints, it's very unfair to the partnership. Yeah, definitely. If you haven't revealed, there hasn't been like in depth of your desire spoken into, and you're just hanging around on the surface with these complaint style. With this style of complaint, then yeah, it's just you're not. You're not honoring the relationship. Totally. And you're basically saying, you are not doing this thing that I want. But I've never actually told you to do the thing that I want. I've never actually expressed Hey, this would mean a lot to me. And so that's the piece that's really unfair. And already, if you're listening, I want you to tune in and like, there's no shame in this. You know, I still bring elements of this to our relationship. Yeah, we still play into this for sure. Yeah. And you catch me very fucking well. Yeah, like, where are you? Where do you have this unspoken expectation or this unspoken desire, which is manifesting as complaint that's manifesting as closure that's manifesting is withdrawal that's manifesting is blaming or being passive aggressive? Like, where is that actually simply an unspoken desire? That feels often it's so much easier to complain, you know, and say to our partner, why are you never taking me on a date? That doesn't require a lot of vulnerability? No. But if I was to say to you, like, Hey, I would really love you to take me on a date, or I would really love you to sometime next week, just like book or something. And I don't want to know where it is. I don't want to have to decide that would mean so much to me, that would make me feel so loved. And what does that do to your body? Yeah, it's still there's like, for me, that feels feels much better. But oh, can I improve? Yeah, there's still like, it still feels like the way that I would love to be asked is like, hey, I really want to be taken out really soon. I would love to be taken out. Okay, I really want to be Yeah, I want to be taken out soon. Like, I really feel. I really feel like I want to be looked after. Oh, I love that instead of where before hours, like you're being a little bit too specific. Take me out next week or next to attraction. So what I would say is that your invitation was beautiful. It just, it felt like it had a few this there was a little tight in the structure didn't allow me the freedom to choose when and how I wanted to do it. Yes. And these are things like we kind of workshop these things in the moment. Yes. Right. And that has taken us a while to get to that place. But we're also very attuned to each other's bodies now that if I maybe bring a desire and I can feel that it doesn't make you free or there's a contraction, I'll see it and I'll say, hey, like whoa, what's what did that bring up for you or what what came alive in you? And I said that and we get to have, you know this, these moments are just like so overflowing with information on how to better love each other. Yeah. And if you can meet moments like that, if you can meet moments of tension if you can meet moments of bringing desires with that lens on that, this moment, and everything that goes down in it is rich with information on how I can love my partner better and how he or she can love me like, That's so fucking game changing. 100% And like you said, like, it's, it reveals our own stories, blockages, beliefs, it reveals the own the our own in like, discrepancies around giving and receiving love, and being invited and being able to express desires. And even just that little moment, there's like, Oh, like that still felt like there's still felt like there was a couple of conditions on there that didn't allow me to fully choose it. Okay. Yeah. Which was for me, it's like, oh, cool. Okay, I can see that there's still an element of like, I don't want to be told what to do. Yeah, I don't want to be told what to do. And I think that's something in our relationship that I have learned not to take offense to. Like, that's actually a way that I get to love you. That is not true. It is, is asking for what I want and need. But also respecting that. There are ways in which I can do that they can have you feeling caged and actually deeply uninspired to do the things. Yeah, and this is a this is, you've got to be willing to get it wrong, totally willing to refine and develop your communication techniques between two unique individuals which create a unique relationship, right? Yes. So you have to be willing to try and reveal your desires in the best way you can invite your partner the best way you can. And then it's a matter of both hearts arriving. Open, as best you can. For me, there's been times here where you've asked where you've been, when we were very held, I say neutralized in our polarity, where you were making a lot of the decisions. And for me to actually step up and make a decision, it didn't seem like Oh, to lead in any way or go, your desire was to completely surrender. I didn't even know how to do that. Yeah. So for you to give me an open ended invitation, it might feel a little overwhelming. Yeah. And it's like, hey, I want more leadership more direction from you. So I'd love to go out once a week and have dinner that might be what your partner needs, if they haven't really ever stepped up in that way, that specificity and specificity. But for me, knowing like, oh, fuck, and there's a part of us like, Fuck, I haven't been I haven't kept, you know, haven't stayed conscious of your desires have been aware that, hey, our relationship needs a night out. And there's a little bit of like, embarrassment there. But if you all I need is that little like, like that little tap on the shoulder. I don't need I don't need all the information anymore. It's like, hey, lover, I really feel like being taken out. Boom, done. That's all I need. I don't need. I really feel like maybe next week, like late next week, we could go out to like this restaurant, like no, no fucking way. We're going out tonight to a different restaurant is the one that I want. It's like I love the freedom to create an experience for us. Yes, now, but it is a journey. Totally. And I love that you said that. Maybe early in our relationship. You probably and I probably did provide a lot more specificity then. And I'm even just thinking of like a woman. Maybe. Maybe like her birthday is coming up or their anniversary or like something where she has this unspoken expectation of him doing something special for her. Yes. And yes, you could not speak that desire into the space. And just like a cross your fingers and hope that he does something special. Or you could really, like, let him know that would be so meaningful to you. Maybe it's your anniversary, and you want to go away and you could say, Hey, I would love to go away for our anniversary like that we can have our anniversary, it would feel so fucking good to me. If you just booked everything. And it was a surprise. Right, like that specificity of like, here's the weekend. This is it. Like maybe yes, this is this is the way that you can support your man to like build that muscle if that's a way that that is. Yeah, if that's something that you want to really experience. But again, not from this place of you never take me away and like it's our anniversary and yeah, why don't you ever take me away? And should Am I gonna be the one that has to book something and organize something again? Like underneath that. It's just like this deep yearning to not have to book anything and just to show up at this glorious place and be like, well, and there's two other ways that this can this posture of complaint come through? It can be I guess we're not doing anything for our anniversary this year. I would guess we're not doing anything I guess without doing anything for I guess I don't really need anything for my birthday this year, I guess. You saying the other way that this can this this posture can kind of reveal itself as if you start? Or did you see what? Yeah. Your anniversary? Cute, isn't it? Oh, look how beautiful that is. Look what he did for her. That. I think, again, this is there's no like shame in this because I really see this as a way that and let's be real a lot of the time that is women doing that to men totally, totally not a man going look at what these guys like, maybe, but probably not. And so this this can be like a step on the journey. Yes, because it can that that might be the edge right now. Right? And then it can feel so fucking edgy to just just cleanly and purely bring the desire to your partner without it hidden. Because these this is like a covert way we do this right? Like look which which were hurt by showing him the photos of someone else's fucking anniversary or the way someone else propose to their partner or like whatever the fuck it is hoping that he reads between the lines and knows that we desire that to some of the time a man is like, a man isn't gonna see that sometimes. That's not how a man's brain works. No, he's just gonna be like, Oh, she's showing me just like she showed me that funny real before she's just showing me this. Oh, no. Like, you've actually got to very clearly, and vulnerably share that this is, this is what I desire. Really, I think almost like auditing your relationship. If you're listening to this and looking at like, where am I trying to get my partner to read between the lines to understand my desire? And can I be a courageous enough woman man to actually just like, bring it purely and bring it clearly. Yeah. And bring it uncovered. 100% this is a this is the complaint can can can like lead into the frustration and the the resentment and can stop the negative talk. I know he never He never does anything for me. He doesn't think you know, I give him all of these. I give him all of these clues. As a fucker. We're not detectives. We're not men. Like there's like that's a you know, that's a that's not what we're we're not detectives, or we're not like seeking that to understand things on a deeper level, we look for the point or the problem. Yeah, like, clarity. Yeah. So when you leave us in the gray, you're doing yourself a disservice. I'm not saying that we need to understand why you have that desire and why it must be met. Like don't say, I want to be taken out on my anniversary because it makes my feminine core soften, which allows me to surrender which means that my radiance comes through which will activate your masculine, and open your pineal gland and God will enter through the ceiling. And we'll have this beautiful, euphoric, ecstatic sex filled an evening that we will never ever have again. No, it's not about explaining shit to him. It's about giving him the most like yeah, being being gentle enough to explain something simply, rather than weave it within this sort of cloak of clues. Yeah. And that, for me is like, and I'm not saying that this is, once again, you're training the relationship to be a space for your desires to be met. If you have to tell your partner, everything that you deeply desire, over and over and over and over again, and attunement doesn't just naturally occur, then something's going on. Yeah. So what I found was when you started to reveal your desires in a more gentle, vulnerable, simple and clear way, I then became more attuned to when your body was desiring something. And then if you came with a complaint, or you came with a projection, or you came with something that was not true, I could say, hey, my love what's actually beneath that? That is such as phenomenal point to make. Because we can, it's our practice, as when we do have the complaint to look ourselves for the desire. But also when our partner is bringing a complaint. We can also know this is just the surface level shit, like, Oh, I didn't stack the dishwasher correctly. There's something underneath here. What's the desire here? And instead of you both looping for ages on this thing, that is this is again, the tip of the iceberg. You're actually willing to go okay, I'm going to take a deep breath and I'm going to to either ask like, what else is here? And yeah, there's like a deeper curiosity. Yeah, you're by bringing you're revealing your desires in a really simple and clear way you develop this, this attunement to each other. And you also you become more aware of Yeah, the depth that it's there even when your partner is not bringing it. Yes. So this is where we learn to love each other better. And you can support each other to deepen into desire, which creates more connection, which creates more love, which is kind of what the whole point of a relationship nothing is. Right? So, for me, this is your training the relationship to be a Yeah, beautiful, beautiful container for desires to be met. Yes. And desires. I don't know if you would agree with me on this. But like, I feel like desires are the best information for relationship and actually the best information in life, like in our own journey, attuning to our desires. The candle? Oh yeah, desires, like, such a powerful point of information. Yeah, for us to attune to in our own body in life, and then also in relationships to be like, Okay, what is my desire, I'm gonna bring it forth. And that is great information for my partner to get to know what I desire to understand more about me to understand more about what's important to me. So he or she can love me better. And then vice versa. I'm so I'm so here to understand my partner's desires, or to be a space for my partner's desires. And already, like, I'm an incredibly curious person. I know we've spoken about that a lot here. But like, this is one of my favorite. I think one of the most powerful things we can bring into just life in general, but especially intimate relationships is, can we have a deep curiosity? Like, if we meet moments of tension with curiosity that changes everything if we meet our partner with deep curiosity, instead of just seeing them as this like stagnant force that doesn't move or like doesn't shift and change? Like if we're constantly bringing that kind of texture of curiosity? There's so much space for I feel like life lifeforce energy in the relationship. Yeah. Curiosity is very different to needing to know. Yes, this is something that yeah, I feel is super important. So some people can use can say that it's curiosity, but what they're looking for is wanting, they want to understand something so they can then make their next move. And that for me is it can feel a little manipulative, whereas curiosity is open. It's an open an openness, hey, I want to know more. I had a client who I've just finished with and he was telling me he's like, Yeah, bro, I was just giving you the, the Jacob communication. He's like, tell me a bit more about that boat. And she's like, Who the fuck are you? He's like, just tell me more about that. I feel like there's something more there. And he's, and she said, what she said there and listened to a half an hour. He's like, What the fuck just happened? And he's like, I'm untouchable. Untouchable. He's like, but like, he's like, I wanted to know, like I wanted, I was genuinely open to knowing whatever was coming through. And this is a piece that your curiosity, especially if you're a man, and you're wanting to, you know, be a space for your woman's desires is can you be curious, curious without needing to know. Everything? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Is there anything you want to deepen on in terms of curiosity? Because I want to take it back to a few places. I just, I just really, you You'll know in your body man, like you'll know in your body when you're trying to get somewhere. Yeah. Or when you're just genuinely becoming a space of hey, what? Tell me more? Yeah. Hey, there's versus like, Oh, tell me more. So I can understand that. So I can fix it and then get to the next thing. And there's a there's there's an there's an openness, that doesn't have an urgency to get somewhere when you're bringing that that true? Embodied curiosity. Yeah. And that for me is it's a fine line. It's a fine line, because as men, there is a desire to, okay, what's the point of this so I can get to the next point? Or what's the problem so I can solve it and get back on track. So we've really, as men, we can get caught up in or fixated on those two points. But with curiosity, what we're doing is we're opening up to that full spectrum of what's in between the point and the problem. And just being there like that's where the desires and the communication and the sharing sort of reveals what what's beneath all of it. Yeah. That energy we have, if we're bringing that back into what we're talking about is there's a desire underneath the complaint. It's not like when your woman or partner brings the complaint, you're like, what's the desire? Like that's a complaint. What's the reason If you just can find a complaint was the desire channel. What does it have? That's how sorry. Yeah, like anytime this is ever everything we speak about, especially with, you know, these like relational dynamics and moments of tension, yes, there's like certain words we can use, and we're big on offering the words because it's something to grasp onto. And it's something to play with. And it's really fucking practical. And the, it's an energetic posture, you also take so you can be saying the words, but you can also and this is maybe for men, you can be saying the words to a woman, the right in quotation mark words, but if there is a feeling of urgency in your body, and if if there is this feeling of like, how can we just get to the end of that process? Like, a woman is going to fucking feel that? Oh, yeah. So even if you're saying like, all of you as well. I'm so here. Yes. Tell me more. Like, but if there's this energetic posture of like, hurry the fuck up? Or like, come on, a woman is still going to have that wound of I'm too much activated. Yep. That's why we're being a space being an open space in that way. allows the desire to reveal itself, we're gonna remember this is vulnerable. We're sharing. We're sharing in a way that exposes us where we're taking a risk when we're exposing our desires. Yeah, because it's vulnerable. Because we're focusing on ourselves. We're not saying you didn't take me out to dinner saying, hey, I want to I want to be, you know, I wanna be looked after I want you to take me out to dinner. I want to, I'm a fucking princess. That's my new nickname for you, Princess. It's awful. Like my mind thinks it's awful. But my body like, it does things I like, it melts my insides. Yeah. That's like, that's the base for me is like just owning that owning owning that process and understanding that yes, we can. We can sometimes overreach, but realistically, we want to be able to understand without needing to know and get somewhere. Yeah, yeah. And that vulnerability we got it with, we've got to know that someone bringing through their desires, it's vulnerable. They're putting themselves they're exposing themselves in a way that they haven't before. And I know for me, like speaking my desires, feels like I'm about to die. Because like, I'm literally exposing myself to death. And that comes back to my own worthiness stuff, which is a whole nother topic. Yeah, this is that like a well, that's why I said gentle, simple and clear, like these things require, require a tenderness because they are vulnerable. Yes, yeah. And I think, I think like coming back to that, like complaint desire, and let's use that example before that we used of, actually, no, let's use another example. I want to, I want to use an example of like, during a sexual experience, so like to do with sex or in the bedroom that for a woman, a opens me using example, that's based on a woman bringing her complaint again, of course, okay. And then maybe you can bring one for men as well. But safer woman, if you are wanting like slower sex, you're feeling like your partner is like, you know, going hard and fast all the time. And he's not he's not attuning to your pace or your placees pace. And so there's a desire to have his presence more on your body, there's a desire for slowing down. And so you could bring a complaint of like, you always go way too fast. Right? You don't actually like, think about me? When we're having sex. You go way too fast way to hide. Right, that complaint. We're underneath that complaint is the desire, right? It's like, hey, it would I really feel my body would love, like, slower sex. I really feel like my body is wanting to explore slowing down and seeing what that feels like together when we're having sex. Would you be open to exploring that? Are you are you next time we have sex? Can we play with that together? How did I go? Yeah, great. But as far as I was gonna say, yeah, that like the complaint has this energetic frequency of you're doing something wrong? Right. There's something you're doing that's wrong or this like a not enoughness frequency, where the desire is an invitation and it's really loving. Like, even in that example of the bedroom. It's basically if I was to say that to you, I'm like, Hey, can you play this role for me? Hey, II, this is a way you can love me this is beautiful information on how you can love me better. Are you? Yes. Are you willing? And that's like, instead of just giving someone information on what they're fucking up, versus Hey, this is a clear role I want you to play in my life. Like that is just like, so there's so much more possibility in the in the desire piece. And yeah, like, that sort of says like, Hey, I'd love to go really slow next time. Yeah, I'd love to like go really slow. Like, I want to be aching for you. I want to be like begging you. And that like those sorts of things. Like almost like that. Like that. Yeah, like bringing that that desire alive. In this this invitation. It's, it's, it's beautiful. Yeah. One more thing I wanted to speak about. And it's so interesting. One of the reasons I brought this topic up today is I've often said this, like under every desire is or under every complaint is a desire. And I was I'm reading this phenomenal fucking book right now. It's called unbound. It's by Cassia someone. And she was she trained with Dallas monks and was also like, a very well known dominatrix. So she brings together it's all about power dynamics and relationships. And it's so phenomenal. And she literally says exactly the same thing. That under every desire is under every complaint, like lives a desire. And she was also like, deepening into it around the fact that a lot of women, we've been conditioned as women to, like, feel selfish and feel like when we don't, it's not safe for us to really share our desires that we're we're asking for too much, we're so afraid to be too much that in really asking for what we want. That's that's a very scary thing for many women. And so this wounding that so many women carry, often until they, you know, look at it and integrate it is yeah, creates a lot of makes it so much easier to bring the complaint. You know, it's so much easier to just say, you're not doing this right, than to actually be with the part of me that feels like, Oh, I'm a bad woman, if I want something or I'm asking for too much. If I actually bring this desire forth. I don't have to actually look at that part of me. So I'm just going to bring the complainant hopefully he gets that there's a desire there. Yeah, can I get what I want without the the investment of a vulnerability? Totally. And that's, it's just a no all the time. Unless you have I was gonna say unless you have a very masterful partner, but then it's just like, so. It's such a disservice to them. And even if your partner is attuned, and they become aware of your desire, and they ask you, Hey, I feel like you feel like you really want to be looked after tonight. Is that am I right? That's gonna crack you open anyway, you're gonna have to feel. Yeah, regardless, this is a whole thing is like anytime you bring a complaint, and you want your partner to understand it as a desire without you having to reveal your heart, you beg your pardon, that shouldn't have happened. Anytime you bring, bring that complaint, you're trying to bypass feeling, trying to bypass the feeling of vulnerability, which is the thing that cracks your heart open allows you to have an emotional process. And then nine times out of 10. That expression of the desire is what you wanted more than the actual desire anyway, that's what love the moment is asking for. It's not asking for that desire to be met right away. It's asking for you to have the courage to let the truth be known. To let the truth move through you. And then this is the thing and this is something that I speak to men about is like if you hear a desire, if your if your woman has the courage to open her heart and speak her desire to you, and you agree to honoring that desire to say yes, I'm a space that yes, I'm going to I'm going to accept the invitation. You then have a duty to fulfill that you can take that take the moment and wrap it up in this beautiful we'll wrap it up in your word and have a song that feels so good. And then next week, not do the dinner or next week not not not go slow and gentle and then take your time with sex you you have a duty to fulfilling what you what your word what you've given your word to. Yes. Yeah, totally agree. And just one other almost like Nuance I want to bring in here is that we speak a lot on and a huge part of our teachings. Like revealing especially for women, it's like, you know if there is revealing the truth of your heart or revealing what is really there, so I want to just make it very clear that we're not telling you to bypass that pot of the your relationship and the pot of the practice of relating. It's not like oh, this so much hurt and disappointment he a bit oh my gosh, the desire underneath that is just to feel really loved. So I'm just gonna say I want to feel really loved like, no, like, it's often very important to, to bring, you know, bring the the posture again of like Ouch, yeah, right like Oh, but to not hang out there. And then to become discerning of the moments where I'm just like, again, there's something different, it's something different than the it's very different to wrap your complaint Apple wrap a hook up in passive aggressiveness to avoid vulnerability. So that's the Why do you never take me out? Versus like, Oh, right. Oh, I think everyone knows that. Like, you know, the owl and like to show something I teach women is like, can you show him the Ouch. Not necessarily tell. But like, in those moments, that is the revealing, like, what is every woman knows? Like, even when I'm saying like, Oh, like, what does your body do when you like out? Right? That hurt? Oh, right. And to be able to bring him in on a moment. But that is far different. And we're not saying bypass that and go straight to this is what I want. That's an important part of the relationship practice. But this is more just shifting those moments where you're wrapping up, you know, the complaint in or just focusing on the complaint and focusing on you're wrapping it up in something passive aggressive and very unclear. And often sorry, one more thing. In the reveal, you can you can have an ouch moment and again, under the ouch is always a desire. So, you know, bringing that into the practice and always looking for that as well. Yeah. 100% That, that that hurt, revealing the hurt. Yeah. Is a part of accessing the desire, in my opinion. Yeah, that hurt is the feeling piece. And often that's the doorway and that's sort of yeah, you go through the complaint, the complaint is the outward Hey, you did this. And then you sort of soften into the hurt which is hey, I'm feeling not feeling loved. feel I feel a bit left out. Or you've been working a lot with you or miss you really feel good Nathan to you. And I really love it like a magnet. Or I didn't know what to get the demo phone. That's you. It's like, Ah, it's not a and this is the thing that hurt reveals like, the desire and then gives me feedback about how to love you better. Yes, and this is really what a relationship is all about is learning how to love each other better. Yeah, learning how to love the parts of ourselves that we haven't really learned to love. We've been taught not to love or the desires that we've been told weren't okay to have. Yeah, and this is like this is still a as a man a huge huge blockage for me is like actually asking for what I want. And he loved it. He loved when I asked for what I want you love when I speak my desires. I get so excited. Yes, I'm like, I get to love you. And I have clear instructions on how to love you that I know are gonna like because I'm a pretty person. When it comes to being loved sometimes you sometimes make it you like you can be hyper independent and like you can get a bit bratty Yeah, but then sometimes you do have some Unspoken desires that you cross your fingers and hope I hope I actually like how do you not fucking know this? Yeah, how do you not know that? That's what I want. So when you do actually share really clearly I get so fucking pumped because I'm like, Yes. I love this motherfucker. Good. I love this motherfucker. Because there is a we like I deeply want to show up for you and I want to love you so well. And I think that is like that, that hearing that from your partner like getting that clarity that your partner wants to love you really well. That's a permission slip. Yes. like hearing that. And this is like in this is another another like thing that we say and I give Sorry to cut you off before that but I'm just really passionate about this. Because that hearing that from a woman to a man is like it's like fucking it's life changing. Yes, life change if you're a woman who is aching to love her man better making that known, hey, I want to love you better. I want to know what your desires are. Yeah, I really want to be like be the best only the best person that loving you as like fuck this person care as they can become a a belief in in men, especially that all we're just here to serve a purpose. We're not here to actually, we, if we're lucky, we'll get what we want. But that's not the main main priority. We'll just do everything else and we'll get what we want. If we're lucky. But knowing that your partner wants to love you better that they want to be the best person that loving you and that that's, that's a priority for them. It's fucking life changing. Yeah. So cool. And that's one of our favorite questions, right? Like how can I love you better? Yeah, and yeah, like bringing that with You're a man or a woman, like, bring if you're in partnership, like, bring that to your partner regularly, like, at least a few times a year. Yeah, like to be able to say, Hey, you, like you said almost like, I want to be the best person walking this planet at loving you. Like, what do I need to know right now to love you better? Or how can I love you better? And sometimes I know we've we've shared that question a lot on Instagram and in different teachings. And sometimes people like I asked my partner, and they had no idea that we're like, you're doing a good job, I don't know. But I really invite you to just be like, hey, like you'd do a partner, especially for a man, I think, like, yeah, for my experience, and what I've seen is like women, potentially clear sometimes and what it is they do want it, they just not speaking it, where a man sometimes actually isn't connected to, ah, I can ask for what I owe, like, I do actually want these things. So don't put the expectation on your partner to like, be able to answer you in a split second, and say like, Hey, can you? Can you think about that for a few days? At least for me, please? Yeah, so one of the things sometimes when put on the spot, we can almost feel like we have to give an answer. Yeah, I have to tell you all my disasters like that can feel like responsibilities burden against guy you need something from it. Yeah. Hey, I want to know how I can love you better. Don't. Don't try and answer that now. Yeah, but I want you to write a list of at least 10 things that you want from me. Yeah. And if your partner's struggling, you could even say like, oh, like, some of the ways they love to love you is, you know, giving you some scroll time at night and uninterrupted or like knocking on your door of your office, or I love making you that does she love or like you could give some examples? So they're like, oh, yeah, those things are acts of love or acts of service. And yeah, and be open to your partner's desires being completely left field. Like for me, like the things that make me feel like so loud is, is like, literally, like, the household chores. Yeah, that sort of shit makes me feel so loved. Let me take the buttons down today. Yeah, like I'm like, oh, like you care about our environment, or you care about like the home or that makes me feel feel loved. For you, it's different. You have the things that make you feel love the things that you decide how you want to be, you want to be deeply connected, you want quality time, you want to be out in the world doing things together and going on adventures. And that's important to you. And, and that's like the thing that you feel loved in. And it's like, oh, we've got to learn that our partner's desires may be different to our desires as well, which can be a little confronting, and we can be, we can be, and this is where like, knowing how love languages can be really supportive. Yes, we can be really showing up like for you. Your top love language is acts of service. Yes. And so oftentimes, you will be offering me a lot of acts of service. Yeah, but I don't really compute that as love. What a great house man where you're like, I love you, I love you look at how much I'm doing around the home. Look at all these things that you don't even know I'm doing. Yeah, where for me the most, I get giddy when you simply go, Hey, want to go to coffee in the morning. Or, Hey, let's go for a walk, let's go for a walk. Or I'm gonna wake up early, let's I'm waking you up early, and we're gonna go to the beach like I can, I can feel that in my belly right now. Like, if that makes you wanna cry. Like you're just taking us somewhere invite like, the invitation into quality time. Is that is love to me. That is That is love. So a key thing with desires, this is really what you've touched on so beautifully, quite often will give what it is that we deeply want. Yes. So for me, I'll do lots of acts of service. And then my complaint will come through in a passive aggressive with help, like, why through withholding? And it's like, Ah, I'm just giving you what I really deeply want to receive yet. I haven't communicated that at all. Yeah, and it's an ongoing, you know, you don't just say once, hey, can you do all of these things all the time? Yeah, it's an ongoing, you know, hey, this is important to me, my love, hey, I'd love I'd love support with this, I'd love I'd love for you to, you know, take, take take control of this, this part of the house or whatever. But if I just keep on doing the the acts of service that I want you to do for me, thinking that, well, if I do five of these, maybe we'll do five of these. It's I'm using a mathematical formula to try and get my desires and bypass having to actually be vulnerable. I'm never, I'm never really going to land it and then silently resenting me when I'm not doing it. And that's just the way that works right when we're whenever we're holding an unspoken expectation or desire, and then crossing our fingers or leaving all these clues or hints for our partner, when they're not getting it when they're not interpreting the clues and receiving The desire, the only way is to feel resentment. Exactly. We start to harbor all this resentment. And then suddenly we're like, and our partners like, fight the fight. I didn't even know I didn't even know that you wanted that. Yeah. And so again, like we can offer ourselves grace, if that is the way this plays out sometimes, but we can save ourselves a lot of suffering. And we can save our relationship, a lot of tension. And we can just create so much more potential for love and intimacy. If we are to go straight to the fucking desire straight to the to the what's the Undo bit of that iceberg. Iceberg, go straight to the underbelly of the iceberg. And a bit of the iceberg and a bit of the iceberg. Yeah. Okay, anything else you want to bring? No, I just think that this is like this is such well, actually, the final thing I will bring is like this can be playful. This and this is something that we've cultivated to the point where we bring play in we bring almost like playful curiosity, playful consciousness, where we can open our partner open each other with play wildness, like this depths doesn't always mean heavy, or dark, or kind of gritty, you can. You can, you can crack open and bring some lightness, bring lightness through in these moments as well. Yeah. I know for me, like when I'm doing a lot of stuff, and then you become aware, like, he wants to be loved acts of service, you're gonna love him. Hey, do you want me to cook dinner with you tonight? I'm gonna know I'm gonna cook in a few tonight. And it's like, Ah, this is where we get to, when we start to practice this revealing our desires fumbling, stumbling, vulnerably, risking it all. By asking for what we want. We then become incredible practitioners of loving our partner. And that for me is like, oh, when you become aware of like, hey, I can see that the complaint the posture of complaint is is taking is taking form in his body, can I offer him what I know that He desires in the way that He desires? It? Not just being like, fuck him, I know that he wants that thing. And I'm not actually gonna give it away. Yeah, like that is like why Yeah, like, I get that because it's almost like this manipulative energy. But also, if you, like you're on again, we say this all the time, but you're on the same if you're in partnership, the only way to create deep intimacy and deep partnership is to truly believe and feel that you are on the same team. Anytime you like, we are in opposition. Like, it defeats the whole purpose of relating totally. And so, you know, this isn't the you're not allowed opposing opinions on things or anything, but when there is this posture of opposition, and we're fighting and, you know, that's a me against you. That's, that's just not any time the portal or the doorway to deeper intimacy. So in those kinds of moments, yeah, you, if you're going, Oh, I can see what's happening here and fuck her or fuck him, I'm gonna, I'm not gonna do that thing, because she has to ask for it. Or he has to ask. It's like, actually, I'm on the same team, I can actually support my teammate to see that, ah, there is a desire there. And I'm just gonna go straight to the desire. Yeah. And that's, that's the, that's what develops through practice. And I know like, when you're in a moment of tension, and I can feel you starting to, yeah, take on the posture of complaint. I can feel it coming through your language is like, doing it for a walk for half an hour. And you want to just like go for a walk and just chat. And you're like, Oh, my God. Oh, I loved the best, best life. Jake voice says that I like, do like a running commentary on like, when I'm really happy. And then anytime something's too dark. For me. I'm like in the like, I just get my silence. So he knows whenever the running commentary stops, yes, there is probably an invitation to lean in. Definitely. And I feel that like we are we're definitely still devotees of this, this, this, this practice of love of loving each other. But we've arrived where we have through fumbling, stumbling and understanding the vulnerability and the truth liberates. Yeah, and sort of coming back to that as many times as possible to learn how to love each other better to learn how to be loved by each other better. And it's an ongoing practice but when you have the the framework and the structure and you know, that beneath every complaint, there is a desire, things become a whole lot clearer. And you start to see things that you never would have seen before. Yes, and that it gives you x ray fucking vision and it makes you feel like you've got least like hyper is high def, like clarity and it's awesome. It's awesome. Because what would have triggered a deep moment of closure is now just a simple Hey lover. Tell me more. Tell me more. Come on. Come and sit on my knee. Come on, tell me more. No, mega will not sit on your lap. And you like get out of here. I'm like, I'm not come on my little print. And that plays if we stop each other out of it be like, Ah, here we go. I know that this is I'm resisting and you're about to give me the thing that I want deeply. Yeah. Oh, shit. This is going to be beautiful. But I'm also a bit of a brat. So I'm gonna throw a little bit of a tantrum in in saying yes to it. We love a good tantrum. Yeah. I was gonna say something, but I forgotten it. I'm complete. Okay. Thank you beautiful humans. This has been an epic fucking conversation. Do you have any desires my love that you want to share with me live on the podcast? Yeah, maybe we could maybe we could ask each other the question. How can I love you better? How can I love you better? Hey, my level. What do you need to feel more loved for me? Lots and lots of lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of invitations into time together. Yeah. Yeah. So you'd like more quality time? Yeah. But I want you to not just more quality time I want I love and I feel so loved. And it makes me giddy. And I even have butterflies thinking about it. When you say things like, hey, in the morning. Like I'm taking you to coffee. I'm taking you to the beach. We're spending an hour together just just us. Oh, shit like that. That makes me feel so unbelievably loved. Amazing. Yeah. Done. How can I love you better? I would love more space. I would love. Yeah, I feel like you're loving me so beautifully in the home right now. I feel so loved. I think you're nailing that. You've been cooking and cleaning and going in the groceries and being so generous with your acts of service. But yeah, the other piece is like, yeah, just Yeah, I desire more space, especially after doing so much in the last little while just like honoring my space. Which is so contradictory. I gather you guys are so opposite. But I am so excited to spend quality time with you. Because it's quality time. I'm prioritizing it to make sure it's quality. It's not just any time we such as all we've got five minutes that spend time together. It's really intentional. And yeah, I feel for me to have my desires on it. I need to actually create that space for myself as well. So you can honor it. Yeah. So yeah, being really intentional. That feels that feels exciting. I would love to do that. I would love to love you like that. Yeah, I want to love you like that, too. lucky lucky. Is that another one of your desires? Lucky Lucky you. Yeah. I feel good. I feel good. Let's finish. You guys feel good. Yeah, I'm complete. I'm complete too. And for those of you that fucking love being here with us, one of the best ways you can support the podcast is to go to the Apple podcast app, find sex, love and everything in between. And then give us a five star rating. Yeah, if you fucking love it here and leave a review. We would love that. Yeah, we want to hear your words. That's just like such a powerful way to get. Yeah, this work and these teachings into the ears of more humans and into the relationships of more people. And yeah, and then if you screenshot your review, and then email my team at support at mag O'Sullivan dot com, so support at Mega solomon.com They're gonna send you a little gift. So yeah, we love you. Thanks for being with us. Thanks for supporting the podcast we really truly adore you. Love yo, yo, yo, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Sex love and everything in between. Now if you'd like to stay connected with Megan i You can head on over to Instagram and follow me at the Jacob O'Neill and where can people find you lover at the dot mag dot o amazing and yeah, guys, check out the show notes for all other information in regards to what we've got coming up. And yeah, we're super super grateful that you guys have taken the time to listen in to this podcast. If you do have any topics or any questions like I said, hit us up on Instagram and we'll see what we can do. Apart From that have a beautiful beautiful rest of your day thanks for being here big big love