Ep 40: Navigating tension, setting boundaries and honouring your partner's desires

How do you deal with conflict or tension in your relationship?

Join us for another real and raw conversation that dives into how Meg and Jacob get through tension filled weeks and how they communicate through all of this.

It's all about vulnerability, being able to trust each other to communicate openly and honestly. No more suppressing and stonewalling and making sure that you listen in the channel between your hearts to help you through these situations. 

If you're yearning for a long-term connection that delves into the deepest levels of intimacy, that truly opens up your heart, then this is tailored just for you.

We riff off on:

• Podcasting with your partner 
• Assessing each other's capacity to effectively communicate
• Embodying rage and moving that energy
• Why Meg needed to break some plates
• Why it's important to recognize and respect personal space in your day to day life as a couple.

and many more...

LINKS:

Come say hi on Instagram - @sexloveeverythinginbetween

Meg: @the.meg.o Jacob: @thejacoboneill

Transcript

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Hey beautiful humans, welcome to sex, love and everything in between. You're here with Jacob and my wife, Meg. And this is the place where we have all the very, very real raw and extremely unfiltered conversations about sex, love and everything in between. It's here you get a behind the scenes look into our relationship. And we will not be holding back well, we might have no, you don't know how to do that. Not at all. So beautiful ones. Thank you for being here. Enjoy this episode. Hi, my love. Hey, lover. Hi, beautiful people. what up what up, everybody? Welcome back to sex, love and everything in between. We're here. And we're going to start with a bit of a story. Story that literally just unfolded. Literally, with post Post story right now. We were talking about this before that and we're in the integration phase. What did you say about podcasting? It's the it's the deepest, most transformative modality for anyone that is looking to do some personal development work. If you have done the if you've done the quantum leap, have you have done the if you've done Tony Robbins UPW if you've done a pilgrimage through South America, working with many different shamans, let me tell you about the latest and greatest modality to hit the scene podcasting with your partner, it will shine light on all the pieces of yourself, you have not yet loved, healed and integrated. We've currently been doing the six month program with sign on for another six months, because we just know there's so much more. There's so much more to go. And you know, there's been times when we want to quit many times. But you know what we're devoted to our own personal development to growing and expanding and becoming more and more abundant beings. And we haven't found a modality like this. I mean, we've tried them all. But this one seems to be the one that works in ways we never thought it could. So we highly recommend the six month podcast podcasting with your partner, PW TP and yeah, I'm sure we will have a link ready for you soon. Truly then Now, for today's episode. I know you guys have heard us talk about this before that often will like can't we have this little studio in our home. It's like a spare bedroom and we use it as a podcast studio and Thursdays we record podcasts. And we always have things we do. Yeah, we always have it in our head that the podcast is going to take an hour. It never takes an hour. That's it. Right. And just like sex, we talk about this. It's like Jacob and I and you guys have heard us talk about the channel between the hearts and that if we go and have sex, but there is something that needs to be addressed or felt or shared or expressed. If there's something in the channel between our hearts that we haven't poured our attention to if we try and have sex and start to have sex, it will be it will make itself bucking norm it will be like a look at me. You know, feel me bring me into this space acknowledge me clear me Stop ignoring me. Totally. And it's the same with podcasting. And that's exactly what happened today. Yes. And it was so fucking inconvenient. It was horrible. Because life is full, you've got t gone. We got shit to do. Like this is just gonna take an hour. Productivity has not been I would say Thursday's have probably been our least productive days. Yeah, because it's not just like us individually. It's like it's it is together. It's the the relational piece. I really think that's like when no different conversation go there. I'm just gonna say when you work with a team as well, sometimes that can feel less productive to a certain degree because there's conversations and there's communication, and there's these pieces that need to go down and this relationships, relationships are not efficient, know or convenient or productive. If you want to bring a level of deep intimacy and relation and relating, like whether this is in your like romantic partnerships, or whether this is in your business partnerships with the people you work with, like it's going to require you to lean into moments that feel really unproductive or really inefficient. And that's not always comfortable, but it's necessary. Yeah, the ROI that you're getting on the time that you're putting in can seem almost ludicrous. You're like this is taking way too much time. What is it? What am I getting out of this? Have you put your business hat on or your societal? societally programmed hat on, you're like, Oh, this is nice, you know, one plus one equals two. And with relationships, that just isn't the case. And that's not just in love, like, like Mike said, not just in like lovers. But like, with friends with business, people in your business, this is all about, like learning to work together, learning how to honor each humans uniqueness whilst also moving towards a common goal. And you and I are very different. Very different. We often say that if we were put in a group project at school, like we had to do one of those group assignments that we would have been, yeah, we would not have been friends after the group assignment. No, I would have hated you. You would have been I would have been, you would have I would have been like, I can't I can't be with near this person. Yeah, this is too intense. Lucky we didn't meet when we were 17 Oh, gosh. Or even at university. Imagine, I could just imagine, oh, my goodness, I remember rocking up to a group assignment. And I was just like, I'm not directed whilst everyone else was doing their presentations. And we went last. I just wrote my my part. Ironically, I got up there and crushed it. And my teammates, just they just, they just keeled over, they couldn't handle the pressure of presenting, I feel like they had a story on the podcast, I needed to tell it. Because I need to, like, let people understand that. Like, there's this I think this is like your, and this is what I feel like the thing that will trigger it, you about your partner is also one of their like, things that they can teach you and like support you in developing yourself. So for you like you're incredibly particular and you're incredibly powerful, like delivering in your work, like you know what, you know how to structure things, you know, how to plan you know how to execute. Whereas with me, I'm like, let's all let's just throw it in the bucket, and we'll start walking towards the, you know, where we're going to be, we're going to do the thing, and we'll see what happens. We'll collect whatever else we can on the way. So over the past few years, I've learned a lot from you in regards to not just action taking, but like strategy, planning and executing when it comes to creations. So thank you. And I've learned how to let go. Yeah. 51% is still a pass, you have to have when you get a job that I look at whether you got 51 or 100 in assignment, so that's my, that's my I'm working on that. I don't want to I don't need 100% But I think better than just a PASS is what I'm working on. bit more. Okay, well, let's kind of toggle this back to storytime. Yeah, a little bit of behind the scenes of what happened this morning. Did we talk about? Yeah, let's just go into that. So yeah, like we said, today was podcast day. But why did we always like say, Yeah, we're gonna podcast and then we get caught up in other things. Or we have not caught up and we our house was really messy before the cleaning got. We had to get up and clean. Why is that a thing guys? We used to do this growing up when we had a cleaner every so often, like, um, would make us clean or tidy like everything and the House would look pretty much clean with all the clean and gold. Well, I get it so the job was definitely wasn't clean. We had close shit ever. Yeah, we ended the kitchen was a mess. It was they would have had to be here for an extra three hours if they wanted to get everything done. Yeah, so we woke up early and cleaning house like immediately. Yeah, yeah. And then we went we went to a cafe. Yeah. And then I was so this is where kind of the tension piece started. I was already I'm like pre blade. So yesterday, I was like, Dragon energy. I didn't want you near me. And that was very, like, I was just like, and I know a lot of the women will resonate with this. It's like when you feel like almost like the I find it's like my skin crawling but it's just like that, you know, like Dragon like wanting to come out and just like the fuse is a lot shorter. I'm very clear on my No, I'm very clear on like, what I want to put my energy into, and it can be very ruthless. Yes. I love how one of my teachers Jane Hardwick calling speaks about that. automa like the pre bleed is like when the wild woman will like no longer be cage. She's just like, uncommon the fuck out. And that's exactly what I felt like yesterday. So I was in that. And then yeah, we went to the cafe. And then you'd already told me that, you know, you're very full at the moment with the gathering of men coming up next week. And I just kept asking you questions. And you just kept answering my questions. You aren't really setting a boundary with me. But yeah, I kept interrupting you. And that would have been incredibly annoying. It was Yeah, yeah. It knows moments would happen. cuz I'm like, why? Like, why don't I go to an office? It's like, Wait, like, I think that's like something that allowed that thought today, I just want to be in an office, and where you can't get me where you can where you don't. I was like, I felt really, like I didn't want to give. I felt like I wanted to take something from you and like, make you go without I felt really, really, I could feel that in the right home. Yeah, just like I just, I've got nothing left to give you. I've got nothing that I want to give you right now. And normally, I'm quite open and giving. And I like to make sure. And that's also my nice guy coming out. But then I was just like, I'm just like I've said that I've got a lot on, but then you're asking the questions. But then I feel sometimes too when we're training each other with boundaries. It's not just a one, hey, respect my boundary. And then you'll just automatically know how to respect my boundary and all of the right ways. Yeah, it's a matter of like, hey, remember, I said, I'm really busy, like, I'm sure you can. I'm sure you can figure this one out. And then again, hey, lobby, and I've said I'm busy. It's like, I didn't actually implement that. I just started answering your questions. And so then I'm like, okay, he's sweet with it. Okay, I'm gonna ask again, and again, he must be happy to help me. So I was just like, really sucking the juice. Yeah. And I think because we both work from home, there's a part of us that's got our lives deeply intertwined that we our boundaries are really hard to. They're they're constantly changing and evolving based on where our projects are at what we're up to where you're at, in your bleed, where you're at, in your life. And for me, it's like, I have to be really careful not to just like slow, like, I become like, I'm more of a slow burn, where I like, slowly, slowly build up resentment. And then all of a sudden, it's just like, all of a sudden, I'm just completely cut you off. Yeah. And that's what happened today. So we were at the cafe for quite a while. And then already, we'd said we'd podcast at like, 10. Yes. And we're at the cafe until like 12. So already, it was just a bit like I then started to feel a little agitated that it was like, I didn't really get much work done at the cafe. And then I didn't really like on and we've got a podcast. And so we got home. And we often a lot of other things unfold like we were doing other things. And we finally found ourselves in the podcast room. Actually, on the way home, I could feel that you were like, I could feel like stonewalling energy. There was like, it's very rare that we're in a car together and like you might be doing work, but you weren't doing why he would just sitting there. Yeah, deaths aside, I was just I was not at all. But I could also feel that it was a bit like you were what was going on for you in that moment? I thought we weren't going to do a process live on on a we weren't going to do or I had my Jacob before, when I was just like, so closed and was like, just like very deeply contracted while we were sitting on these podcasts aids. Take us like, let's just hit record and let's go for it. I don't know what's gonna happen. Nobody's here yet. That's my style, baby. Yeah. But yeah, what was going on for me was like, I don't want you to heck, I don't want you to have anything from me. I want you to feel what it's like to have nothing for me. I want you to. I want you to I want to stop you have me? Yeah. It's quite a dark, automated. I could feel it. It feels like punishment. Yeah. Yeah. And you very rarely go into that energy at all. But you've spoken about this, like you're in a manipulator. And I could feel that, like, I could feel that in that moment. And guys, this is like a 15 minute car ride. And I didn't feel it. As soon as we got out of the car, like we started to talk and like, you know, clear a bit of the energy. But yeah, that's what it feels like, it feels like a punch. I'm being punished in those moments. Yeah. And I think because we have quite strong communication regularly that it's can sometimes be quite abrupt when I don't. But yeah, there was a part of me is like, How dare you? How dare you? You know, it's like you take those just like you take so much from me. And I was just like, I was sitting in a story that I'm like You How dare you? You get so much from and you still want more? You get some and then I was just thinking back like the day before? Was it yesterday and like I went somewhere and didn't tell you and I was just like, I'm I'm locked into what I'm doing. Like I'm hyper focused. I'm zoned in I'm running the biggest event that I've ever ran by double anything that I've ever ran. And I was like, can you just like let me let me fucking fly like just stop asking me questions. Stop. Stop wanting to know everything. Like just let me go. And just like, like for me that was the thing is like, I don't need you to wash my clothes, cook my food. Do all these like acts of service right now. All I need is like zero expectations that you're gonna get anything from me for the next 10 days. Yeah, I, like it's so hard for me to ask for that, because my identity is wrapped up in doing things for others. Totally. And because you are such a US so available to me a lot in our relationship and yeah, that can feel Yeah, that can feel strange to then yeah, and this is why nice guys never build a legacy. This is why like the passive guy never ever, like builds a really powerful career or something that can really serve his, his own little kingdom that he's building is because he doesn't have the ability to become hyper focused and really, really zone in and go all in on something, because he's constantly tending to other people. And I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. But if that's how you lead your life, and you never actually like choose to follow the, the path of purpose or the path of vision that's calling you into creating that thing that you're responsible for. You will, you will find yourself harboring resentment eventually. That's my opinion, but it's also a lot of what's been reflected back to me and my clients and the men that I've worked with. Yeah. And even in that, like, even in this season, it's like, ah, like, I just need, I just need the next two weeks to, to do whatever I need to do and not have to communicate and not have to, like, confirm everything and cross check everything with you. But most of our life, that's how we operate. I know. And it was also challenging, because earlier in the week, you were like, hey, on Thursday, I'm gonna take you on a little date morning. Yeah. And so that was really hard because it was like you. Yeah, something and then that. Yeah, didn't end up what it was. Yeah. And I just want to go back to back with you. When there's something Yeah, but the kitchen was like a mess. And we had stuff and you're like, No, no, I'm not saying because last night, we were like, Oh, that's not gonna like it's very full and that yeah, no, yeah. So it's almost like he would give me a little bit of a tight like, yeah, you're gonna get some of me? Yeah, actually. Oh, I was. So I was so happy to do that. But then. Yeah, like you said, I want you to come to bed and I was like, I want to say no, and I was like you, like you want like, that's where I was like, you take so much for me and you want more and I'm like, and even the word take like is not the right word. But it's what, like, runs through my hands. Yeah, that's what I'm telling myself and I know that hey, no, you chose to. She didn't demand that you chose to give that to her. So it's not her taking it all like that's on you. But in my head, it's like she takes everything from you. She takes everything she deserves and just cut her off. cut her off. That bad She doesn't deserve anything. She's had enough make her suffer. Lilia let her suffer let her stop let her go through the dark night of the soul let her just have nothing but her drown like sick. Oh, that's so dark. Shadow drown? Yeah, like that's like it's like just leave her like metaphoric. Metaphorically. Yeah. But that's, that's what happens. When I don't honor myself. I created I create a victim mentality. And then you're the bad guy. Yeah. And then how do I make you feel really bad? So you then come groveling say, Hey, I'm so sorry. Like, yeah, see, you are bad. You are wrong. You shouldn't have done that to me. When in actual fact, I should have just spoke the fuck up. Like I said, Hey, I'm not coming to the cafe with you this morning. I've got stuff to do. podcast at 10. Yeah, if you're not at home at 10 We're not doing it and that's on you. And yeah, take the emotion out of it. And just like bring it in. Just be really regimented, very militant style. And we would have got the podcast done. I'm sure. I'm sure that would have worked for us. Well, I'm turned on by boundaries, though. When you like really clearly state your boundaries. That's such a tunnel for me. Yeah. But I know it's a challenge. Like that is a challenge. When so much of our relationship, you are such a giver, and you also available so I can understand that in those moments that would feel like rejecting me or turning me down or Yeah, like my boundaries can sometimes feel a little bit like rejection. And then sometimes the support that I need is for you to honor the boundary, which is to I don't want you to talk to me or being me. And then I Yeah, which is like that sucks to hear as a woman that like one of you know, the feminine core desire is intimacy and connection. So I'm asking you to forego your deepest desire for mine. And yeah, which is devotion, where I would rather I've asked you several times, like how can I really support you and all I live in? Like, give me a massage like, I don't want you say leave me the fuck alone. I want it to be like cook, cook chicken soup. Anything which you can say yeah, but that's like, that's the like, this is sometimes where men differ from women to I believe, is it what I want in those moments like how you can best support me. I know I've also got to set a boundary that hey, listen this next two weeks I'm not available. Not available for dinner. I'm not available for chit chat. I'm unavailable to watch that real or do that thing? Because I've got to get shit done what thing? Sex not available for sex. I am not available for sex at the moment. Am I? Well, you like in the last 40? Yeah, but the thing is that yet Ken, can you forego your deepest desire for connection to honor, honor my deepest desire for totally. And there's part of me that's taking your desire personally. Yeah, well, yeah. And like even Yeah, so much is being illuminated right now, just in this conversation that yeah, the most I'm, I'm when I say how can I love you that I in this time, I want something that's convenient. For me, that sucks so much. That sucks so much. And that really came up for me before being like, Wow, I feel really selfish. Right now there's part of me that feels really selfish, even having a bit of an emotional process before and you really choosing to be in it with me. Like, that was there was like this guilt and the shame. And this, like, I'm being really selfish right now. And that that was so in service to, you know, our relationship and the podcast in the end. But yeah, this is, yeah, this is really beautiful. And I think this speaks really to like, service. And that in like, partnership, or in what some people would call like, sacred union. Sometimes it is about not necessarily not not not not necessarily, but not moderating ourselves, but also like really revering and honoring the desires of our partner and being in service to that. And sometimes that is, Oh, I love I think we've spoken about this before the word sacrifice means to make sacred if we sacrifice something we're making, were sacrificing it to make something else sacred. And so it's like, oh, can I sacrifice my deep yearning to be close to you in all times of the day to make sacred, your desire to feel really loved by me giving you space and for you to feel really supported and really free in these next in this these next kind of 10 days. And what kind of I'm so sorry, that not like nailing that in the last few days. It's it's your, it's the part of me that wants everything you want me to be greatly successful and really powerful in my work, but then you want to be have, you want to have your, you know, you want to know everything about every single step and be a part of it. And you want me to be a part of everything that you're doing. And that's that's that's your core desire, deep connection, the feminine core desires that is to is to connect is to be intimate. There has been simultaneously I didn't want anything to do yesterday. Yeah, yeah. But for me, this is the this is the tragedy for most men is that they don't have these conversations, or they don't stick around to get clear on this. They'll either just shut off their soul and just crush it. Or they'll they'll continue to run from relationship to relationship trying to find the woman that's going to be available in the way that they need them to be. And this is, yeah, this is a hard one for me, because I'm about to run, the biggest retreat I've ever ran, we've got like, we're gonna end up having 150 men on the land for four days. Like that's, that's a lot to organize, like, I'm organizing every aspect of this retreat. And I'm really, really particular about how I wanted to run them what I see possible. So that's I have a lot of bandwidth. And I'm like, this is the first time I've ever sold something out. In five years of doing this fucking work, like just slogging it out, just being like, I can do this, I'm gonna stick stick the course, doesn't matter if I don't sell out anything, I'm just gonna stay. And this is the first time I've ever felt like my business is like, Let's fucking go, you've got this man. Like, this is the turning point for me. And I feel like, not only is it a turning point, for me, it's a turning point for our relationship. And like all of the dreams that we have for the next five to 10 years of our lives, I feel like my business is like growing in capacity to serve us and our connection. But that means there's gonna be these little two week brackets every now and then where I can't do the things that we normally do. Where I can't stop and come out and talk to you for hours on on where I'm going to be locked into conversations and meetings and, and creations that are in service to their greater vision. Which means we have to zoom out our timeframes a little more, which is much more of a masculine perspective to which is to be present but also to be seen. Seeing the greater the greater scheme of things. It's a very dark masculine trait actually. What is like for sites like the future future visioning, what was the dark? What do you mean by dark? masculine and like it's the ability to see like to see what's what's coming and then to move toward it. Yeah. So it's like the penetrative. Oh, yeah. Correct. Yeah. So yeah. So for me like Teego I'm just like, I'm going towards that. Yeah. Anything that is not that is not allowed in my field of view right now. Yeah. And I think one of the cool pieces here and you know, you guys are hearing me in this, but I am like, in the dead. This is like the depth of my practice in relationship is to not take things personally. And to not take your devotion to your work, personally. And there is part of me like, I fucking nailed this last week. I was like, Yeah, I was on you. Were on. I was just like, on an probably different way that probably wouldn't have served you this week. No. Last week last week, you were 10 out of 10 a plus. Thank you nailed it. Cool. Thanks, Dana. Did you suck dick? I suck to last. Yeah, I was like, slightly halfway bloody house. Like all of it. Yeah. But that would probably feel too consuming for you this week. Yeah. So this is yeah. This is like this is like, level two to like, completely remove yourself. Okay. It's just like, I am an observer. Yeah. Which is like you don't get to ask me questions. You don't get to touch me. You just have to really just be like, he's got this. Yeah. That makes you want to cry. Why does it make you want to cry? Because I'm so Oh. Yeah, they just realizing even yesterday when I was like, in that dragon pre bleed, everything was kind of like annoying me. You were just like, oh my god, you felt all consuming to me. Yeah. That was like, I think I said this to you later in the evening. I was like, Oh, I think that's how I feel how you feel about me. Like 24 says, yeah, no, that you feel that way about me, but that can be the experience but um yeah, yeah, that was an impression though. That's a hard role to play like completely let go. Oh, and like not be involved in my life in the way that you would normally be? Yeah, for a week or two. Yeah. And to not take it as you because this the almost like stonewalling energy in the car before which again, he I could probably name on like one hand the amount of times you've ever done that to me, which felt like punishment, which before you said it was in a way where it's like, me not taking you being quiet or you not wanting to be in conversation as that as punishment. It's like actually, this is just that is I can love you in that. That doesn't mean anything. You're not You're not doing that to me to teach me a lesson. You're not doing that to me because I've done something wrong. It's just like, that is just what you need. That's what feels loving right now. And yeah, totally. I feel I feel there's such a such a nuance here because Okay, I need my space but also, like we're human. We've got our stories and our beliefs now programs that are driving us and it's going to be little codependent threads woven in our relationship that totally that want to that want to stay connected and for me to say hey, I need the next two weeks all to myself and I need you to I need you I need you to make yourself like scares that you do not due making yourself scarce. That's not your thing. Like you take up space. Yeah. So for me to ask that of you is like, Is it is it going to be a deep practice? Like over the next? What do we got eight days before take on like it's gonna be that's gonna be it's gonna be hard for you. But I trust that you respect me enough. And you love me enough and you trust that I love you deeply and that I'm not going anywhere. Yeah, that you can do that. I can do it. You come up for the challenge Okay, beautiful humans. Welcome to sex, love and everything in between. You're here with Jacob and my wife, Meg. And this is the place where we have all the very, very real raw and extremely unfiltered conversations about sex, love and everything in between. It's here you get a behind the scenes look into our relationship. And we will not be holding back well we might have no you don't know how to do that. Not at all. So beautiful ones. Thank you for being here. Enjoy this episode there was something I wanted to bring. I do want to circle Back to what unfolded in this room earlier. Yeah, she's kind of where I think the piece that we wanted to bring around that he's actually in total opposition to what we're talking about in terms of giving your partner space when they need it. But we'll circle back to that in a moment. But I think one thing I wanted to bring around this is like, and I think that this is one of the part of the medicine of like, recording a conversation like this, and you guys getting to listen to us in a very real, like raw conversation about what's unfolding in our life and like the points of tension that are arising or like the greediness that's arising lately, is that like, it's so okay. To have that grit in like that tension, specially in like long term relationships, that tension is going to be there. Like, you're going to move through different seasons of life where one of you is stretched, or both of you a stretched and like, there's going to be this greediness and this tension, and you must if you desire to evolve your relationship and deepen your love and deepen your intimacy, you must be willing to have these kinds of open conversations, and you must be willing to meet each other in that place. And speak like to not take things personally and to really like and this is the thing I think, were one of our like we're really good at Yeah, what am I trying to say? right on point I was using hands and then one thing that we're very masterful at is just like arguing, or owning it owning when something's gone down owning where we fucked up or owning like, or when someone is saying, even though I'm saying like, part of my practice is to not take things personally. But that's more in a moment when you're in your office and maybe haven't come to bed yet. That's when I'd take like, off when you do what like slam the door. Why did I slam the door the other night? I didn't have to do that. That was that's like the rage in my body pre bleed as well. It's like very real this this pre blade? Why did I slam a door and I just smashed plates then guys. Under the direction of Jacob, it wasn't like I'm gonna smash a place plate to do this. But there was energy to be moved. We're going to talk about that in a moment. Continue. Why? Why did I slam a door? I think I was coming to bed. I stayed on a call a little longer than I did. And I was gonna come out and cuddle you. And then you will like an hour later. And then you fell asleep and I fell asleep. And then I woke up and I was a little drowsy. And then you said we because we pause the movie halfway through. And then it was like two hours later. And then I just like went to bed and slammed the door. John, did you also message me on Instagram and said I'm gonna love you. That was kind of passive aggressive. I don't do that a lot. That was passive aggressive. Yeah. And then what happened? We came out we ended up watching the movie. We finished the movie. We fell asleep. We loved each other. Yeah. Yeah, that was. That was nice. That was nice. Because I was like, angry in the bed. And then I was like, fuck, like, What the fuck are you doing? And then I came out and I was like, Can we watch a movie? Oh, that's funny. That again, is like, if you can get good, you know, it's okay to have those moments where it's like, Whoa, there's something here all this energy to slam the door or like to end unite, if that's happening a lot. And if that's what you do every single time there's tension in the body, that is actually something to address, right? That is very rare that either of us will like, make a lot of energy that wants to move and you know, we're going to throw a bit of a tantrum here or there, we're going to close off or shut down and then it's like all can, what how long does it take for me to come back? Totally. And where am I repeating this pattern on a regular basis? They're the two things that I like to look for, how long does it take for me to come like to move through that process and come back to love or come back to openness? And where am I repeating this pattern on a regular which may be like weekly, daily or weekly basis or monthly basis? Yeah, and what I was gonna say there is like, if you can, the first step, if you can't quite catch yourself before you know you have the like that or like spill out like a volcano on your partner or throw grenades or storm off into the other room and like cross your arms and go to sleep or pretend to go to sleep. Like if the one thing you can do is actually then notice the closure and choose to open again. Especially if you're having moments of tension before you go to bed. Like let that be the devotion that if there is tension there like to open again. So like this the other night it was like ah, I was feeling it. I'd gone to bed I didn't want to talk to you. And then I was like, get the fuck up and go and open your heart to this man. Like what's underneath the spider is underneath the fire is the desire to just snuggle on on the couch and watch the end of the movie. So go out into the kitchen, and share that desire and open your heart and really let yourself be witnessed in that stop strap on about. Ironically, the movie was American Psycho, which is hilarious. It's like, Jesus. What the fuck is that movie even about like the end? It's actually about how the society turns a blind eye to corporate greed and corporate corruption. So everything that happens in that movie is all like he goes in, he loses himself in the, the his actions. He can't stop what he's doing. But then it all gets wiped clear. And he can't even he's even he's like, people don't want to know what really goes on behind. So it's a whole Yeah, so yeah, I did read a lot on Reddit after after the movie. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, that was an intense movie. Yeah, I was like, let's just watch out my magic film. Yes. Ah, you want to talk about smashing plates? Yeah. Let's talk about slashing plates. Yeah. So we're circling right back. Because earlier? Yeah, we came to podcast. We just wanted to get the podcast. I was stonewalling us to know. But before we came in you did you really shout out in the kitchen? Because it was just like, Yeah, you know, we use the word, the challenge channel between our hearts. And it was very clear, there was stuff there in the channel between our hearts. And so you, you came up to me and you were like, ah, there's, there's resentment here. And I'm feeling this resentment. And what else did you share? I was like, Oh, I can feel I've got resentment in my buddy. And it's towards you. And it's because I've said yes to things that I wasn't actually a space for. Like, I don't have bandwidth for the things that we were doing this morning at the cafe. And I kept answering your questions when I didn't actually want any more questions, because I don't have space to answer them right now. And I even said about this morning, like you were like, Hey, do you want Hey, can I do you want this? Do you want that about different drinks? I don't want to be a big part of the thing that I said last night was I don't want to be like, I don't want any expectations or to have to like, answer anything. And that's really, like, that's my whole identity is like being being available for things being a space for thing. So when you asked me like, even though it was like a gesture of love, I was like, I don't want to fuck and answer questions. Yeah, leave me like, it's almost like another thing to another decision to make another thing. So yeah, no, I know a thing. I thought I was being loving. It was like, that's, that feels. Would you like this? Would you like this? Yeah. I'm just like, I just don't want I don't want anyone to hop in the car, I want to go to the cafe, I want to get the coffee want to come home. But don't anything that's outside of the thing that I'm moving toward is is irrelevant. Like, I don't even need to eat really, or drink. I just want to like, the bare minimum. So I can keep moving towards where I'm going. Anything that's so you said that and I was like, Sorry, I interrupted you. That's right. And like that's, that's hard sometimes to know, if you do have a pattern of being available. It's quite can be quite hard as a man to become aware of that. And then know how to communicate that lovingly. Like, I find it very hard to be like, hey, there's, hey, I'm really fucking angry at you right now. Because you asked me if I wanted the morning drink. That doesn't make sense, right? It's like, well, I'll just wanted to know if you were thirsty, like I wanted to do something for you. But I think that that is so much more powerful for you to notice. And I think your practice is definitely bringing it sooner into the really like into the moment. But that for me always like, I think some something that is really like the foundation of our relationship is you share what is alive and what is coming up for you. Because that is great information for the other person and getting to love you better. It's context, right? Totally. So for you to be like, ah, like, there's anger here when you asked me that question. Oh, wow. Why are you angry? Because it feels like another decision and I'm really full right now. And actually the underneath that anger is this desire, like the best way to love me right now is no one asked me questions and leave me alone. Right? Can you see how this is like the people listening? Can you see how this is like, great information. And again, this takes the practice of not taking things personally. But if we're able to, really if we are devoted to loving upon it really well. We're going to want that information. Yeah, we're going to be open to that information. So yeah, you shed that open a little a little I think you had a little tear. Oh, yeah. We opened a little and then we said we're going to come podcast and you went to the toilet and you took so long. Yeah, I was doing breath work practice. I didn't know Have any other man feels like Skype sometimes like, it was like, I just needed that time to like, if any other man like, uses the toilet, it's kind of like a little like, embassy like a little man and like, we can just go and sit and like no one, no one can talk and you can just like, zone out for like 510 minutes like that, for me is like, where I go, it's probably not the healthiest place to go. But for me, that's where I go and I just physically healthy. Yeah, like sitting down like that. But for me, that's, like, that's where I'm like, like, I can't get me in here. You can't get me so it's kind of like it's kind of like a bit of a safe place. That's quite interesting. But anyway, I'm sorry that you needed to hide in the toilet. To feel great. But it's also like I sometimes just need a space to breathe and like that's that's breathe in the fecal matter. But that's their like, I can't I can't I was like, Oh, I feel okay, I feel like I can I can face face this. Now I can step into this and meet this and be here for this totally. But then by then by then I was like, closed again. This isn't productive. Yeah. And I was just frustrated, because then I was even more frustrated that like, I wasn't feeling inspired. And I was feeling closed. And I was nervous that we were gonna get on a podcast and then just like, not have a good vibe and not be connected and not actually. Yeah. Because that's happened before. We've had some times where we've recorded stuff. And then I've gotten to the end being like, not happening. No, did not enjoy that. So yeah, that's what I was nervous about. And I just got so contracted and there was so much frustration there in my body. And we were kind of just sitting here being like, do we want to record you like what's going on share with me, you know, and I was just sitting here like, full of fire and so contracted. Then I was like, Well, do you want a podcast tonight? Yeah, like I said that before? That's what we should do. Well, do you want to do it? No, we're here now that we'll do it. Jacob is currently closing his eyes and imitating me. Yeah, you were just imitating me because I was just like closing my eyes. And I was trying to like, cuz I felt the heaviness and contraction of my heart. And I just wanted to crack my heart the fuck open. Yeah, I know that. I know that what needed to happen. That's the feeling I was wanting to crack my heart open and to feel you and to feel myself but it just just was stuck on how to do that in that moment. So then I asked you can I can't cuddle you and we cuddled and I was just like, No, I will it kind of did and we're just like I I was just like I need to be alone and yeah, this let's not podcast and let's do it. You would like let's do it tomorrow morning. So then I got up and I went to go just go outside and be in the sun. And then I decided I wanted to come in and get my headphones because I wanted to do like a bit of a shaking practice. And then when I came back in, I had you have to me Yeah. And then I turned around and I looked at you and we were just like gazing into each other's eyes. And then when did you suggest to smash a plate? Like and usually Oh no, I said I was like, I just feel like I need to smash something. I was like, there is just rage in my body and there's energy in my body that needs to be moved. It needs to be liberated. It was like I want to go to one of those like, what are those rooms called Smash rooms? Right cage? I was like I want to destroy something right now. And you were like, Let's fucking smash something get a plate. We have a few like broken plates. Like that ship Yeah, so you got me some chips plates. Got outside. I was like I want to do that. Don't look at me. Like I'm looking at you. And I smashed well I smashed one plate nose felt so fucking good. I was like give me another Yeah, and not smashing three plates you did felt really fucking good. And then as soon as I did that, I laughed. My heart was cracked open. There was just so much deliberation and I'm going to quote you I don't know remember what I said? I reckon we could do the podcast now. Let's do the podcast. I was just like so light and so joyful. And think for to take like a moral from this story I think there's a few things here one is like one is like energy like that Energy wants to move and that like rage and that closure in my body it wanted to move there wasn't even really a story with it. And it's a destruct it is it's it's the energy of destruction to it wants to destroy especially like pre bleed that like kind of Cali wild woman energy. She's She's there to destroy she's there to purify. Yeah. And if you haven't got a practice where you can go and do that healthily, like smash a few plates or do a shaking practice or whatever your rage. It's literally you're just liberating this energy that has the wants to take the form of distraction Jim, and yeah, you're either if you're not consciously moving that in the body, you're going to be bringing that into your relationships that bring you out into everything that you touch and everything that you do, you probably either gonna try and suppress it and then ends up with you stonewalling somewhat like I did, I was like I don't want to be I don't want to be direct and put you in your place but in that I then stonewalled and like cut cut you off from me. So it's if we're not in relationship with this part of us and finding healthy ways to move through it, but also to be seen in it is also another really liberating experience. I think that's what we spoke about before with relationships before almost being before the podcast was being witnessed throughout the process, whatever it is, is such a it's such a practice of vulnerability that when it happens the depth that you access in your relationship and the part of you that not just gets to be loved by you but by your partner and accepted by your partner like that for me like sets a new a new tone a new a new a new depth for for the relating that you experienced, and it also gives you that that ah, I now know what what this means when this this energy arises when these things start to happen. Oh, this one what this is what wants to be liberated this isn't about me. This isn't about her. This isn't about them. This is about the energy that is being with contained or withheld that wants to move. Mm hmm. Yeah, and I think one thing we did speak about after we smashed the plates and before we got on, sorry, I I smashed the plates. After I smashed the plates and we got on here was like, Why could have gone off and had a shaking, practice liberated energy and come back, you would have been working but I could have come back and we would have reached the point of like, the space between our hearts is good. The channel between our hearts is clear. We're feeling good. Let's podcast tomorrow. And that that works. And yet there is something so fucking beautiful to stay with your partner through the process. And we didn't intentionally do that. And sometimes this can be so fucking messy. Because that feeling that I had of my heart being closed. And I knew that what the feeling I wanted was liberation, which happened after I smashed the plates. I knew the feeling I wanted was my heart cracked open was sorry that was I even just you wanting in a really distracted me you did the way your tongue was like the like weird lizard tongue thing. Yeah, the feeling I wanted was liberation. And the feeling I wanted was my heart cracked open, but I didn't know. Sometimes we, the thing we usually do doesn't always work. Like sometimes my heart can be closed and I can be like, Oh, my heart is closed, can I have a cuddle? Like something's here. And that can liberate it other times, like feeling and being with moving our body from the shape of closure to openness or moving our relationship from the place of the channel of the heart being blocked to the channel of the heart being clear. That's so fucking nonlinear. That is so nonlinear. And there is no formula to that. You must be willing to stay in hold in that process. And you must be willing to trust the process and you must be willing to attune to the moment. And to attune to the truth of the moment. Like me to be like fuck this rage, I want to smash something and for you to be like, smash something, I'm going to support you in that process. I'm going to be here for you. 100 I want to witness you. What I feel is like if you go into a shaking practice, right, you're going into your nervous system regulation, let's call it that your nervous system regulation exercise. I don't get a deeper level of understanding. Yes. So that's what's missing. So this is this is where a lot of a lot of I see a lot of people they will disconnect, regulate, reconnect. Yes. What they're doing is they're avoiding depth. And John Weinland speaks beautifully about this and causes calls it practicing over a broken heart. And for me, what's more comfortable you just going and doing your shaking practice and me going and getting my work done that's much more comfortable. But is it in service to love? Is it in devotion to the creation of our relationship? No. And no matter how great my business gets, no matter how much energy I put into it if I don't have the people around me that I love to share the spoils of my creation, then what the fuck am I fighting for? What the fuck am I creating for if I cannot share it with those that I love. So for me, there's so many ways we can regulate our nervous system, happy days, breathwork shaking, stillness, movement, whatever it is, there's so many modalities. But there comes a time when you have to let go of the modalities and be with the moment with the person you're with and allow the process to unfold from a place of uncertainty. I don't know where this is gonna go. Mm. I have to trust. Whereas there's a level of control that, hey, I'm going to go and regulate this myself. I'm going to do this myself. And then you come back, I don't have full understanding of what what's happened. So I'm still, we're still at the same level of depth, nothing has actually been liberated to the, to a new place. We're just cleared what was there and stayed at the same level? Yes. And I'm sure do you? Would you find it one of the, I'm just assuming this. I feel like you've shared this with me before. But is this one of your favorite things to witness me in is that like, my heart cracking open and that moment of liberation, of course. And that can happen while we're having sex when I'm like, contracted and like the and then oh, you know, I've met with something in my body or we've we've met that moment together, or while we're in a moment of tension, or that can be you witnessing me, you know, smashed plates or shake or the other night when I was just like, feral as fuck rolling around the Yeah, like, and that for me is so healing, to have you witness, witness me in that moment and meeting myself in that moment, and you willing to stay with me and be a part of that is really powerful. So not only are you liberating the energy but you're also like releasing any shame or judgment that you may feel is there, you're literally using vulnerability as a practice to like free yourself up from shame or judgment, that part of you that's feral, the part of you that smashes plates, the part of you that cries, mid lovemaking session, all of that when you actually let that be in the presence of someone that you love that you want a deeper connection with. What it does is it allows me to love parts of you that I haven't yet met. Whereas if you were to go off and shake and come back, like I'm looking at me, I'm clear again, let's connect it's kind of like there's a level of like fluffiness and softness that doesn't allow the depth to really like, yeah, it doesn't feel like the it's I feel like there isn't a level of depth in those moments. That could be there had you have stayed in the process together. And this is kind of that sacred union intimate communion like cracking open to each other and finding God through through love. Yeah, the love that you share. And I think some people could look at this and be like that, sorry, codependent. Oh CodePen. And, yeah, baby. But I would, I would, I would, I was just like, maybe through that that lens lens. But for us, I would say I really believe in the term like interdependence. And I think there is only or it is like for us it is sacred union This is being in partnership it's like that you're not only devoted to you're not separate beings, you are to a certain degree, but you're separate beings that have chosen to be together in this unity, this union this other entity. And so there is a level of devotion and co creation and union in those moments. Yeah, there's this for me like it's like we know how to regulate ourselves individually, we know that like it's it becomes a choice. We're using each other as a way to like regulate what I mean when I say we could I can go and do the breath work I could go for a run I could do 100 pushups in about an hour I'm gonna do all those things but if I'm not being witnessed by it, there's still a part of me that's in control there's still a part of me that's not really really opening my heart to something outside of myself and trusting that I'm still going to have that love reflected back to me that's the eye we can we get to choose and sometimes it's like yeah, I don't want this is just for me. I'm gonna go and shake I'm gonna go and breathe I'm gonna go and do this. But then it's time for us okay this is this is actually in service to the creation that we have together let's do it. Let's smash and plate that was fucking fun. You loved that yeah, I loved that. I grew up smashing stuff like out of the way was rubbish tip. We used to go out and we used to go out there and just get a big bit of metal and smash TVs and smash fridges and smash cars up all these old like all this stuff we used to just throw stuff up and smash smash all the floor light bulbs and stuff at the tip was a real was a lot of a lot of nervous system regulation practices out away where it's actually a healing center. We will you know, surrounded by the there's some truth to that. Yeah. Just a lot of truth. Like like sort of. There's a part of us that is distracted there's a part of us that does honor it and totally honoring it really believe this is important. Yeah. And like and it's again in this like, intentional way. That is different to, you know, me grabbing those plates. staring you in the eye and being like fuck you like and like you know, but it was like hey there is an energy here let's honor the let's honor this energy that wants to be felt and wants to be moved let's grab some plates and embody the embody the rage and embody the fire that's here to be felt and wanting to be acknowledged in this moment and yeah like to do that in partnership so fucking call, so fucking call Oh, okay. How are you feeling? I'm feeling much better now. Me too. Yeah, I'm really grateful for you in this conversation. And I'm really grateful for you guys for being here and listening. And yeah, supporting the podcast, but also just being so down for these real raw conversations, like, the amount of feedback and DMS and love we get on on all the episodes, but really these episodes where we're just like really sharing the raw, nitty gritty details of what goes down in our relationship in the moment and how we meet these moments. Because we know you are all meeting these kinds of moments in your relationship to like no relationship is, is immune to moments of tension and women's of disagreement or moments where there is contempt or resentment or like we want to push our partner away or, like that is part of relating and yeah, we're so devoted to really shining a light on these kinds of moments. And you know, we're in the fucking arena we view and we're wanting to support you to be able to feel confident to lean into these moments and feel the gifts of these kinds of moments. And how these moments hold the the they are a portal to deeper connection and deeper love and deeper passion. Even though you say do not available for sex. I feel like we're gonna have really great sex later. Yeah. We'll say she honors Have I already failed. For desire for deep connection on his mind. Have I already failed that not putting expectations and expectation that I was kidding. Now you got us? The cute tactic. I was just kidding. We're not gonna fuck like crazy later on. Blink. We're not I swear. I will devote myself to my vision and you'll sit back from afar and watch with reverence with respect and know that on the third of October when I return, that you are gonna get what's coming to you. A real sex crazed fuckathon Oh, yeah. You ready for that? Yeah. Love sex later on. Now, that makes me really excited. Yeah. Okay, we sorry. That's coughed. Like right into the mic. Sorry, guys. That's really complete. Yeah, that feels really good. I think that's, uh, I just want to, like, let everyone know, like, this is normally shit like, this is stuff that we're talking about, like, I know that this is normal in relationships across all spectrum, whether it's just starting halfway to, you know, a few months in years in, these sorts of things come up. There's, there's cycles that we go through in our relationships, and it's a matter of us just being able to acknowledge, yeah, what is there to accept what is there to own it, and then be with the process of expressing itself? And then integrating it and then allowing yourself to like move from that liberated and deeply connected place? Yeah. And it's not about right or wrong. It never is, even though you may want it to be. It's not. It's about how, how do we actually meet this as individuals and together? And that's, yeah, that's, that's a devotional practice. That's a lifelong journey that you that you will continually recommit and recommit and recommit and recommit, to and that's what I'm here for. So thank you. Thank you, my love. Thank you, my man. Bless up beautiful humans. We will see you next week. Part of this conversation we love you love. Yo, yo, yo, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of sex, love and everything in between. Now, if you'd like to stay connected with Megan, I You can head on over to Instagram and follow me at the Jacob O'Neill and where can people find you? lover@the.mag.oh amazing and yeah, guys, check out the show notes for all other information in regards to what we've got coming up. And yeah, we're super super grateful that you guys for taking the time to listen in to this podcast. If you do have any topics or any questions, like I said, hit us up on Instagram and we'll see what we can do. Apart from that have a beautiful, beautiful rest of your day. Thanks for being here. Big Big Love.